This is the most difficult letter I have ever had to write. It is, in a sense, a useless gesture of respect and consideration (of which I am totally devoid). I am leaving you all and am determined to have a go at life outside the confines (not too subtle choice of words there) of the Bible Study of which I have been a part for the last 5+ years.
No one has wronged me or treated me unkindly. Were it not for my own stubborn will and many other character flaws, I should be glad to have any and all of you as my intimate friends. But your friendship comes with a price, the complete sacrifice of myself and subjection to the discipline and structures of Bible Study.
I have grown first lax, then indifferent, then cold and then hostile toward the Structure and the program you all cherish. I once cherished it too, but something happened. I can't explain. I began to desire more "freedom" at a time when restrictions were getting tighter. As Bible Study got more unified and corporate, I wanted to be more separate and individual.
I don't know what planted the first seeds of apostasy in me or why I never tried to stop its taking root. Who knows. Why did I stay this long if only to fall away now? Many reasons. I had hope. For a time, I had hope of eventually turning it around, knowing it would take 100% to do this and just kind of slouching along, saying, "Yeah, but... tomorrow... next week... next month."
But the self-deception that I would ever change could only last so long. Next, came the trying to get away with being 90% Christian, fully into Bible Study, outwardly 100%, if it didn't take too much effort. But the amount of effort to maintain the deception just took me further down the road of apostasy.
I wanted everyone to like me and still be my friend. I partook of the good times (if the focus wasn't too intense on any aspect of Bible Study, teachings, worship). I was basically being a hidden reef, a cloud without rain, a tree without fruit, a wolf in sheep's clothing, devoid of the Spirit, an imposter, a fake, a liar and a hypocrite.
I had no desire to disobey certain Bible Study Regulations or Christian Principals. But on the whole I find myself taking less and less joy with corporate activities (esp. when they involve staying up late or going to fellowship after). I can't expect to just go on like that and get anywhere in the faith. I would have to undergo a change in character which I do not have the will or desire to effect.
As immature as it sounds and is: I just want to do what I want, when I want. This issue isn't fishing or listening to worldly music or buying this or that thing. It's the whole thing. The having to "ask," the having to be on a schedule, the non-optionalness, the lack of time to do anything else. It's just the same as any other apostate, only I have covered it so well for so long.
Anyway, by now you are probably sick of hearing about my wicked heart and its wicked reasons for why I am leaving -- I have left. I hope not too many things are left hanging. I will not be a presence the way others have. I don't have an address at this point and the only way I can be reached is at work. However, I don't want to be called and questioned or preached to.
I left without one single thing negative to say about Bible Study to anyone. Now I am gone. I still don't say that it is Bible Study that is wrong -- I know that it is me that is wrong. Everything about me is wrong, from the deceit to leaving. But until I actually want and desire the things that Bible Study provides, it will be a useless struggle to remain a disciple. I have trampled underfoot all that is sacred. I can only be an enemy.
I wish it were not this way. I don't have malice toward anyone personally. In my own stupid, faithless stubborn way, I love you. That's why I couldn't bear to say good bye or go the route of hanging around, but not being in, Bible Study and having you all shun me. That is why I stayed so long, enduring the nights we met late or often, and stayed with the normal routine.
You are my only friends in the world, but I simply cannot be forced into something which I don't want.
I could go on and on, back and forth with this, but I'll not make you suffer to hear it. I will go on with what's left of my empty life, alone and aware of the fact that sooner or later, I am destined to die. And I will be faced with my folly and with the question: "What about God?"
Goodbye.
