Andrew Letter 44 - Steve and I fight, and I start packing

 

 

Dear Mom,

 

Hi there. Well, I'm taking a brief moment from packing to write you on the status of my voyage. Snag city.

I don't know if you knew already, but I got my RV. It's an ex- air force SAC mobile command center. It is a 1963 Dodge UPS type vehicle, with an air conditioner, power converter and multiple lights and wall sockets, plus a couple metal desks and a shelf.

I bought it for its rugged tires, straight six cylinder engine and oil filtered one barrel carb. It has a roof rack and roll out awining. It weighs 7000 lbs. Anyway, I can fit everything I own in there.

And its a good thing. Steve is being a major weenie right now, and I fear that I have become like Tim in his estimation. He simply has no respect or liking or even tolerance for me anymore. He has again let things (which I have really conscientiously tried to avoid doing) bug him, like drinking the last of the milk. Or eating his 2 day old left overs. Or having my laundry in the washer when he wants to use it.

I don't know. He never said a word, and now it's over. He has told me that we are 180 degrees opposite and that he finds nothing in me to admire. He says he wants to have people who are his equals living with him. I, in short, bum him out.

But the thing is, I see no clues, so I proceed cautiously. I do things around the house if I think there's a possibility he will wank about it. So basically, when I do good, there's no clue that it mattered any, and it I miss something, it goes into my file.

I really have been trying to read and please him, but the man is an ocean. I can't see past the surface of calm and general disgust. I have tried to salvage it, really. I kept appealing to emotional sanity, that we could work it out. He said, “Why Try?”

He is completely isolating himself from any of his friends who he feels have not reciprocated exactly to his requirements. People are just liabilities to him. Friends are bottom line dollar amounts. He is going to wind up old and alone just like grandpa.

I cannot stop him. I am caring less. I have indeed recognized and been grateful for the opportunity he has given me to stay here thus far. And he had earlier spoken of paying rent if my trip were delayed much further.

But the other night, when picking up on some negative vibes emanating from Steve, I mentioned that I really wanted to talk to him about paying rent, and staying there for a while longer.

At first he said sure, rent might appease him. Then he gets second thoughts. He wants female roommates, and he feels I'd be a problem. "I'd rather see you packing," he says.

So, I'm packing. Again. And I'll be unpacking again soon, too. And so it goes.

I am not ready for the trip. I am not sure where my life is going. I need to find a partner. I have been desperately searching all the usual places, including some naughty workplace note passing. But I have suffered only rejection. I am not their type. I seem to be nobody’s type. 

I hope the people with the room for rent call me back.

I am enjoying my job (and my weekends on the river) and the weather and the people I work with (clients and staff). My main admirers are all mentally ill. 

I wrote a letter to a girl at work and told her how great she was and how would she like to go camping for six months and such. She was very nice not to hurt my feelings. We are friends now that I know I am not her type and that she has a boyfriend and that she is trying to get her life back together from drinking and drugs, and maybe nine months ago she would've, but now she's too responsible. 

I believe her. I still like her, regardless, and I'm glad that I got it off my chest, so now we can be friends.

There's another great girl where I work (who's married--dammit!) who has been a particular comfort to me. I'm glad I don't lack for human contact entirely, even if I have to get it from co-workers and not at home.

Steve really bums me out. What can I do? I'm out of here.

It's way, way past that. He practically ridicules me when discussing my situation. He gets sarcastic and feigns mock incredulity, mimics me and taunts me. He does not speak from reason, but from those black, grandfather, pit of nothingness emotions which I cannot fathom. 

He is intensely bitter. I hate him. I wanted so much for us to be friends, but nothing ever works out. I am everything he hates, a suckhole liability, an unnecessary expense.

I got nowhere to go. I'm looking. Fast. Two or three days max. If I have to sleep on the street in my van or whatever. He needs his space or whatever, and I haven't got time for the pain. I'm trying to put my own life together and I don't need someone telling me I'm worthless, nothing to admire. Fuck him!

Look who's bitter. Way to spread a little family joy around, yeah. Sorry. You don't need it. I don't need it. 

 

He drives me to it by tearing me down so much, but I really don't want to be bitter and hate him. But he will just never understand that he was young and stupid once and not too far from recently. He thinks I should have all the answers, firm plans, never change my mind, never get confused. He can have his equals. I'll just take fellow human beings. 

I cannot say for sure who is to blame for the terrible way things have ended up, but they were destined. I fought the deterioration as long as I could, but he just gets nasty and there's no use. He is like I was as a teenager, emotionally. “I don't want to talk about it, you'll never change me, Why Try?”

Why try to get along when you can just cut someone out of your life? Adios, Familia. Nice idea, while it lasted. C-YA.

Greed, in the end, destroys all things. His greed, my greed. Life can suck. It can be great. I guess it's who you hang around with, how you look at it, how content you can be with what is sent your way.

I am guilty of letting Steve do me a favor so now he can hold it over my head forever. Enough. Forget it. Move on.

I really don't know how much closer I am to deciding what I'm doing with my life, but I'm doing some serious reflecting on what I want out of it. And what I have to do to get it. I am too carefree, but not carefree enough to live the carefree life to the fullest like it was meant to be lived. I get scared.

 

“What a sissy,” Steve would say. Such male bonding. Oh, well, I gotta go pack.

 

See ya when I see ya. Bye.

Andrew

More personal ad reply rambliings

5-2-92
 
Dearest Girl of my Daydreams,

Hello! I am very pleased to have this opportunity to pour out my soul, heart, lungs and innards into the empty void of this blank piece of paper. It is so refreshing to give utterance to the yearnings and wanderings of the mind and soul. It's easy, it's fun and it's non-toxic just like Play Dough.

Sorry to be ramblin' right off, however, ahem, you haven't introduced yourself yet. I will quickly take up the silence and tell you who I am. 

My name, is Juan Valdez. No, it isn't, and I am feeling not a little bit giddy, so I'll just settle THAT down right away. Hey! My name is. It really, really REALLY is--Andrew Paul Golding, aka "Hoody" or "Drew."
 
My current occupation, besides being a reformed window horticulturalist, is graveyard attendant at our local board and care for the mentally ill. I am currently living in Chico with my Uncle Steve. 

I have a past which, though not as colorful as that of river barge captain, but more interesting than full time caterer to the whims of Establishment Pigs and those who would strip us of dignity respect and 40 years of freewheelin', ramblin' and boogyin' and partyin' (but not to excess, that would be BAD). 

Let me be serious for just a moment. The typewriter on my lap, and leaning back in bed a bit too far and, you know, the blood wasn't getting all the way up to the top part of my brain. So now I am functioning a bit more goodlike. 

My name really is Andrew, and I'm just a lonely fool whose been lonely too long and whose lovelight has grown dim but who, like the solitary miner for a heart of gold, keeps a faithful watch for the morning sun bringing a new day and a new day's chance of finding his treasure. Yeah. 

I am, in fact, a very groovy and hip guy who, through slight disaffection with society (possibly due, in part, to the Rodney King Beating) has become slightly out of touch with the basics of human interchange. 

I live with my uncle, like I said, but would love to become self-sufficient real soon. In Chico, minimum wage jobs are competed over fiercely, so I am lucky to be employed and have an uncle who is understanding, to a point. 

So here I am, in Chico, since last year when my educational plans were temporarily set aside, as my Grandfather deteriorated and died. It was time for him to depart, all his life having been used up long ago. His only activities were TV watching and smoking cigarettes (even after they brought the oxygen machine). 

The magnitude of the isolation he suffered, self-imposed, through years of minimalism in the areas of human grace, was immense. He believed in the work ethic. And the save ethic. He died very well off for an uneducated North Dakota farm boy. But he shut himself all up inside and never let anyone in. Please, let me learn. 

So, who are you and what do you want in a guy? I tell you, it's a jungle out there. Don't just fall for the guy with all the stats.
 
Honey, you need a rebel. You need someone who hasn't got his priorities in order, who favors fun over futility, taking a vacation over toiling in vain. Hey, I don't have a prescription for life, but I do have a plan for a pretty cool six month camping trip, not for the timid of heart or committed of career path. 

I will, eventually, in say six months to a year, pick up the pieces of my life and make a nice little niche for myself, hopefully involving ownership of rural property and the raising of animals. Music figures in and video, art and writing. I hope to be a decathlete of the humanities. And I want to learn a trade.

I am 27 years old, a bit of a dreamer, but the right lady in my life could be a rudder in channeling the wind in my sails. I am an adventurer at heart, afraid I'll wind up a Walter Mitty, or worse, like Grandpa -- old and alone. I could use a friend, I could be a good friend. 

Ask me anything. What's fun? Driving to some isolated river or lake, canoeing to a remote campsite with the choicest of organic party supplies, tent & sleeping bag and living like Huck Finn for a while (Huck Finn with a girlfriend). Stargazing, fishing and bathing in mountain streams. Yeah. 

Work six months in a bum job, take six months vacation, travel extensively. Please, say you approve. Later on, six months to a year or so, we can get our lives on track and work toward that mythical Apple Pie Picket Fence Pension Plan. But for God's sake, lets enjoy this thing called youth and not waste it with the entangling encumberments placed on us all to readily by reality peddling establishment elitist dogs. Yah! 

What else could you possibly want to know about me that you wouldn't want to unfold in the natural language of romance (you tell me what you like, I tell you what you want to hear, etc)? I will ask you a question--don't write if you can't answer honestly--oh never mind, that's a leading question. 

I believe in love, despite economic or societal or any other constraints. I believe in fidelity and honesty, in hard work for the things that are good in life and in the bliss of kicking back and having fun in Nature. I love the quiet, majestic flow of a river or the smell of pine in cold mountain air. 

Oh, come on, what have I got to say to get you into my camper van? Ok, let's hear your version. I may be wrong: "Give me the gritty city and the sweatshop, yeah." Nahh! 

I like cats. I don't smoke cigarettes. Kids are optional and later (when I've matured satisfactorily). Let's discuss this further (unless you believe I am hopeless).  I don't know you at all. I'd like to. You seem sensitive, not the Beverly Hills 90210 type.
 
Please respond. I'll be waiting. And waiting. and come on...please? 

To us, to the future, to the moon,
 
Andrew.
 

 
19 Garden Park Dr.
Chico, CA 45926
916 345-5401

Sorry bout the red ink but you need it when you make these little goodies. And the paper gets a C- (weak)
 

 

 

The Story of My Life (Chico era personal reply draft)

This is the Story of My Life.
 
Hello. stranger! I am very pleased to be meeting you. I am hoping that very soon we will at least be friends and openin' up to each other and havin' a real real time together. Like, can you comprehend?  If you are young, attractive, insane of mind and single, then please respond. 

I have waited my whole lifetime (or at least the last six months) in search of a woman-child or female creature who, being of acclaimable spirit and quite herself in her ways, would consent to spending some golden moments, some precious time, with the old Hoodmaster. Hoody. That's me.
 
O.K., so you expected Walter Maverick? No such luck. I am still in search of a direction for myself to go in. You know, regarding life and stuff. But I show some promising potential, I think. I believe we could enrich each others lives regardless of what type of people we both are. 

Unless of course you are a member of George Bush's personal entourage. I am of liberal mind, I believe, and find it personally unconscionable to get involved with "the Man" in any way. I get pulled over by him enough as it is. The last time was in Gridley. Talk about straight! 

Well, any-who, I sure hope I can rise above all that and somehow get around to asking you out for a date. Cause that's all I is tryin' to do any-whee. O.K., I could fall madly in love with you. It's not out of the question. In fact, I'd be diggin' it.
 
Ya know? It's real alone-ly bein' alone. I would like to make-ay you life less lonely too, honey-sweetness. 

I can't be makin' description desecration of myself cause I ain't that vain.
 
O.K., so I am a sex god. But, no really, you must take a chance on me, as I am on you. We can only talk, meet and see what is and what should never be. It couldn't be that bad. I is of the human species as like are you. It could be we have nice time together, love-lorn longfelt love of my heart. I wait for you call.
 
Andrew Golding (you friend) hey-mon
 
345-5401
 
You Friend - Hey Mon