Pee-Wee ('91 - something I may have attempted to turn in to my mass media English class teacher)

Pee-Wee wasn't goin' to hurt no one

With his thing out that day

But someone at the Sarasota Sheriff's office told the newspaper

And that's all there was to say. Uh-Huh.

    "Adapted from "Hey Pee-Wee - Where you going with that popcorn in your hand?" 

 

 

There is something base inside each of us who laugh at Pee-Wee's Misadventures. Paul Ruebens was arrested for something slightly more disgusting than coughing up phlegm in public. While we all condemn him for quietly working out his Universal Joint inside a theater, how do we know that he wasn't seated in a section marked "Masturbating" and not "Non-Masturbating?" Although I may not want to shake Pee-Wee's hand, I feel that his sexual outlet is less repulsive than rape. My only thought for his ruined T.V. career is that perhaps he could "go with it" and start a new career in the burgeoning soft core "Kiddie Cable Porn" industry. 

Fake News (1991, before fake news started getting trendy and annoying)

LIVE TO MOST OF THE TRI-COUNTY AREA (EXCEPT GRIDLEY) THE CHICO NEWS REPORT AT FIVE. TODAY'S TOP STORY IS ONE OF POLICE CORRUPTION AND BRUTALITY ON INTERSTATE 99.

MOTORIST DURHAM P. O'REILLY (WHO HAD NOT BEEN DRINKING) WAS PULLED OVER AND STRIP-SEARCHED BY AN OVER-ZEALOUS OFFICER McCULLOUGH C. CHAINSAW.

THE PORKIN' FUZZ OFFICER BELIEVED THAT THERE WERE DRUGS STASHED IN THE 54 YEAR OLD TRUCKER'S COLON, BUT THE CAVITY SEARCH REVEALED ONLY SEVERAL MINOR COMPANY HYGIENE VIOLATIONS.

THE LONG DISTANCE POTATO HAULER WAS NOT CITED FOR THE SEVERAL WARTS WITH HAIR LENGTH EXCEEDING ONE INCH OR FOR DIRTY JOCKEY SHORTS BUT HE WAS SEVERELY SUNBURNED AFTER THE NINETY MINUTE SEARCH. HE WAS ALSO MISSING SOME CHANGE FROM HIS RIGHT FRONT POCKET FOR WHICH HE IS SUING THE BUTTE COUNTY SHERIFF'S DEPT. FOR 14 MILLION DOLLARS.

 CHANNEL 12 NEWS GROVER DUDSMORE REPORTING.

HOW MANY TIMES HAVE YOU BEEN SAWING YOUR LIMBS OFF ON A CIRCULAR SAW, WHEN YOU EXPERIENCE LIGHT-HEADEDNESS OR SHORTNESS OF BREATH DUE TO BLOOD LOSS?

WELL, ONE NORTH COUNTY WOMAN IS TAKING HER COMPLAINT ALL THE WAY UP TO THE SUPREME COURT. SHE IS SUING SEARS FOR SELLING TABLE SAWS WITHOUT PROPER WARNING LABELS. ACCORDING TO MRS. WORSTNIGHTMARE THE SAWS SHOULD CARRY THE WARNING: "DO NOT USE TO TRIM HAIR OR TOENAILS--MAY CAUSE DEATH."

WE WISH HER THE BEST IN HER SUIT, WHICH IS HER TWELFTH TO DATE.

KHSL TV NEWS AT 5

Drug Raid ('90s Grandpa era)

POLICE OFFICER! OPEN THE DOOR! OPEN THE DOOR THIS IS THE POLICE. This is a special forces task unit of the DEA, a branch of the federal government dedicated to fighting the Presidents "War on Drugs". Open the door. You have been found to be in violation. Stop having fun. Do what you're told. You have ten seconds. Do what you're told. You have seven seconds. Place your hands on your head. Feet apart. Four seconds. Three two one...shoot him. He tried to escape. No he was trying to attack the officer. The officer of the law. The police officer....