Dear Joy,
I probably shouldn't be writing you or even thinking of you right now. I feel like I'm violating some law of psychologically correct dating. Well, so f---in' what?
It's Wednesday, Oct 14. One week plus since I've seen you, and the circumstances of the interval have me wondering and confused. A week can go by fast or slow depending on whether I'm busy or not, etc. It's not a long time in the scheme of things, but this one has been very tough.
The thing that is hard to deal with is the uncertain feeling I have that you must be thinking I'm a big jerk or something -- only you don't want to tell me. So you are hoping I'll just go away. I could be a big jerk. Sometimes I don't always see how my behavior affects others or even notice how I am acting until someone tells me: "You look sad" or "How come you are so quiet?"
But in this case, I really am baffled. What did I do to offend you? It was only a week ago you were saying "I love you" and "You're all I want in a man."
Now, I know I never deserved for you to say those things to me in the first place, however, like a overpayment on a tax refund, I hate to have you take those wonderful words back. They meant so much to me, a habitually unloved person. I thought you were serious, and I allowed myself to feel a moment of comfort in my lonely life.
I thought I was going to be one of those lucky people who love has smiled upon. I don't have an overly idealized view of what a relationship is. I know there are plenty of things to work through, and some relationships may never be worth the work necessary to maintain them. Maybe I'm not worth the trouble to get to know and help to grow, etc.
It is your loss, and I'm not being pouty or saying sour grapes. I really believe that. If you are so cold as to close the door on me after inviting me into your life, then I really feel that you are the one who should feel cheated.
You must have seen something in me that you didn't like, but it doesn't have to mean the end of it all. People all have faults. People can change. I'm willing to work with you if you are willing to work with me. But I just can't deal with the insecurity of not knowing what is going on.
The need for space I understand. The need for time with your kid, time to work, time alone. I understand these things.
But what I feel like is a piece of frozen meat that you took out of the bargain bin and put in your cart, only to return it to the refrigerator after partially thawing it out while walking around the store. I feel like a puppy returned to the pound after a week in a loving home.
I want to cry, and I want to not give a shit, but I can't do either.
I didn't want to get too attached too soon, but you, after repeatedly telling me you loved me, made me feel confident enough to let myself open my heart to you. At this point, I don't know if I can trust you with my heart anymore.
I can't keep going through these aches and pains of romance. Frankly, it sucks. First, they tell you everything you want to hear, then you believe it -- and then they say goodbye. Then you never want to believe it again.
Fuck it. I've got better things to do with my energy than waste it hurting over someone who is more confused than I am. I really hope you find happiness and peace in your life.
Sure, we can be friends. Whatever you want. I just don't know what you are thinking or feeling right now, and I am a bit bitter about being hung up on during our last conversation.
I have been occupying myself nicely this week, determined not to let this area of my life cause the others to all suck as well. And I may be jumping to conclusions. I do that sometimes, though I'm always ready to give my friends the benefit of the doubt.
You are just a mystery right now. What did I do wrong? What did she ever see in me to begin with? What can I do to make things better? To make them more like they were during that first week...Was I dreaming or what?
I'm sorry I'm not a more mature person. My judgement is not always clear where my emotions are involved. Oh, well. I guess that makes me human. Is it a crime to get carried away and emotionally involved with another person these days?
I assure you that whatever psychological problems I may have, I am not an unfit person. I am not violent or abusive. I am not mentally deranged or psychotic (any more than average) or dangerous.
I hope I haven't given you the wrong impression by joking about schizophrenia. It's just the environment that I work in that causes me to banter about words having to do with mental illness, kind of a "gallows humor." Whatever, I'm just shooting in the dark.
I wish you would call me and tell me that everything is alright, that it was just a passing cloud, that you really do love me...
Oh, well. Sitting here writing about it is good to pass the time and get things out that hurt to keep inside, but it doesn't change anything. I feel like a candidate waiting for the election results, or a prisoner waiting for his verdict. I'll probably get the chair...
Well, eventually we'll talk and this letter will be redundant and obsolete. Until then, here's wishing you were here.
AG
