Love vs. Zoloft: which is better for depression? (Another unsent Mom letter)

Surprise! Just thought I'd write'cha cuz I'm sittin' here @ work w/nuthin' to read and just had to do something (other than work). So, how's the good life? 

I can say w/out hesitation that things have never been better for me. I have never been happier or had such predominantly good feelings about being alive. I have been afraid to blink or go to sleep, for fear of waking up back in my old reality.

Did I mention that I was in love? Oh, yeah. Well, I still am. She's great, Mom, just absolutely the most amazingly wonderful girl I could ever hope to meet. You'd approve, I just know it. I've written her four or five love letters and -- get this -- she didn't recoil in horror! She likes 'em. She's even encouraging me to write more. I told her to buy a filing cabinet...We've gotten past all the awkward stuff and have the most perfect relationship. I never thought it could be so good, so hang-up free, so real. 

I've been off Zoloft for about a month (I've taken maybe 100mg in the past 4 weeks to minimize the effects of withdrawal). I've been waiting for the malaise, the pessimism, "the grumps," the irrationality, but nothing uncontrollable has come up.

Yesterday a kitten of mine was killed. We found her in the alley, rain-soaked and run over. I was very sad, having become attached to this cute little animal. So I waited til Steve and I finished work, put on some sad music and bawled like a baby -- for a minute or two. I still get sad when I think about Scruffy, poor, unlucky little cat.

But I feel more human, like those wires that were disconnected by the Zoloft (negative emotions) were reconnected and configured correctly. I was definitely drugged those months that I lived my same old crappy life but without the normal crappy emotions associated with it. I would not recommend use of this drug without concomitant therapy or some program to actually change the circumstances of depression.

Perhaps we're different, you and I, in this regard. I am certain that my depression was a normal reaction to living out a boring, dreary script, concocted by distorted thinking. How I got to feeling so alienated in the first place is a mystery. All I know is that for years nothing was clicking for me, so I'd add this to my wall of isolation, and I developed few interpersonal skills.

Then I meet this girl, and I'm on a high, and this feeds my sense of well-being, which provides me with all kinds of impetus to be a better person. It's a victorious cycle. I know the trick is not to hinge my total happiness on any one thing (or person). Rienna is absolutely the best thing to happen to me, but she has just made me realize that I'm alive. 

Not much has changed in my life but my attitude. Instead of feeling cheated, I feel blessed, and people can see that things are different with me. I'm more patient. I smile and joke more. I have time to talk to people. I don't avoid eye contact...How many times can one be born again?

I'm not sure how long this newness will last, but I am determined not to forget these beautiful days, should darker ones appear on the horizon. Life is cool.

Steve's gearing up to go, and business is picking up. I'm getting lots of practice and feel a bit more confident about the prospect of handling things alone. Tomorrow I will play "boss" while Steve plays "dumb employee." I'll be earning the profits and paying him the peanuts...actually, he just gave all us peons a raise (from 5 to 7 dollars an hour). This is it! Wish me luck.

Untitled (date approximate)

Thieves and liars and shopping cart pushers all crowded around my door

Laundry mat, trailer park Winchell's Donut patrons

All coming to settle a score

Aborted fetuses and welfare mothers

Cowboys, junkies, cops and others

(More criminal than myself, that's for sure)

Collect on my doormat and want to inhabit

The storage bin under my porch

I get tired of the fighting that always breaks out whenever I let one come in

I just never learn to padlock my mouth shut, I don't guess I'll ever win

All I can do is leave out some food in a dish

Throw out my line, and try to catch a fish

Caught without a plan, I'm caught

Standing in the beer department of my supermarket

While all eyes from behind glass & down aisles and 

otherwise look at my car & how I park it 

I'm not a lunatic, but I always try

To break out of reality now & again

It's just a shame that when I get there or

Leave here (whatever's the case) someone always knows my name 

Statement of complaint

Approximately 7:30 AM the morning of 10-3-93, as I was looking out of my office window which face the alley, I noticed someone creeping around and looking into the window of my car. I went outside and asked the man if I could help him. He looked nervous and asked me if I was selling my car. I said no. Then he asked me if I was a mechanic. I responded negatively and told him he'd better not hang around outside as this was a business.