Another F'd up Thanksgiving

God, if you think this is funny, you are so fucked up.  I don't know or care about the cosmic state of blahh blahh whatever.  I can't pull out of my funk cuzz I have zero positivity. I spent the last day not enjoying fucking anything at all about this holiday.  I remember the time 4 or 5 years ago when my wife came out to the kitchen for the last time under her own power.  She heard me cooking and making turkey.  There was Christian music playing.  She screamed at me because she hates that crap.  Can't blame her, but I was upset by her ranting.  I don't know it may have been a different time, but we argued about giblets and she said she would never get out of bed again because of my making it unpleasant for her.  I still think that is probably true.  I would try my conjuring of light and love, but I have such negative thought processes going on that I am only capable of making negative statements.  See? I could sure use some help.  See, in the last couple of years my wife has come back from some crazy bitch land to being a very calm and understanding person.  Much unlike what could be said for myself. I seem to do the opposite, and I rely on her to calm me down or give me insight into why I am so fucked up.  But, then I always ignore all her advice and say "I can't, I'm too far gone.."  I feel like I am out of options, I can't be around her, I bring her down. I can't not be around her, I need her spark (when I am not completely quenching it).  She is completely bedridden and relies on me for everything.  Almost. She can still put food in her mouth most days.  I make her feel miserable and seeing her miserable makes me more miserable.  I can't relate this to anyone, no one can stomach all my bitter pain.  I am a coward and a rotten person.  I don't think the cats are even very fond of me any more.  They have seen too much of my rage.  My uncle killed himself around this time 2 years ago.  I said I would never do that, because I have people that count on me.  Cats, dog, and my lovely wife.  But they can't really stand me, so I'm not on such sure footing anymore.  NSA are you listening? I guess I'm not important enough to spy on, really. So, another fucked up Thanksgiving, ruined by me.  All my wife does is try to come up with positive things to keep me going.  Like getting the house paid off or buying me little trinkets to put in a collectable case.  I really ought to go thank her for that.  But she wants me to leave her alone for at least an hour.  I will say it one more time for old time's sake.  Light and love, Boopie.