Here I am at work blogging. I should be working, but there's no work right now in my automotive service department. I would be working on Honda cars and raking in the big bucks as an evil mechanic, but it is Black Friday, and everyone is out spending the government's money on toys and other useless gadgets for the holiday season.
So, with all the things we have to be thankful for mine is, well, I'm still married despite having a hard time finding the giblets in the thanksgiving turkey. I am working on my attitude, but I'm telling ya, it isn't easy. I have had a short fuse my whole life. Comes from being spoiled as a child. Too much ice cream every time I whined.
So when something goes slightly not my way, I act up and give the world the finger, and this gets me in trouble with my dear, MS suffering wife, Boopie, or Boopieup, if you have already checked out her blog/rant page. I figured every story has two sides, and even the evil villain needs to have a voice. If only so that people learn "don't be like him."
Consider me the Hitler of caregivers. I don't say that to make light of it. I really don't know where the evilness arises from, kind of the mid-chest region, and then the ears will tingle and turn red, and possibly a wisp of smoke comes out, I don't know.
Any-hoo. I like cats and beer and days off of work. I love my wife, Boopie, although it is harder and harder to avoid all conflicts. Partly because of her MS and partly because of my piss-poor attitude.
Rewind 10+ years. A partly-unemployed screenprinter and VCR tech meets a cowgirl down on her relationship luck and sweeps her off her horse and into his one bedroom shack in Paradise, CA. Although she becomes partly domesticated, and he gives up some of his batchelorism, they both have baggage from upbringing and past relationships.
After 5 years of dating and living in sin, they commit the final act of courage and take the plunge to get married. They have had much fun together and look forward to much more. She goes back to school and lands a dream job working at the college.
After a few months on the job she develops some strange symptoms: blurry vision when standing, numbness on her left thigh, and occasional headaches behind her right eye. A few visits to doctors, eye doctors and a neurologist confirm a diagnosis of MS. Who knew what that meant back then? We were just relieved it wasn't cancer.
After much reluctance and a worsening of symptoms she is forced to take a 5 month leave from work. She keeps her head up and tries to go on with her life despite the worsening symptoms. So many things she could still do, but time wasn't on her side. She is forced to go on disability in 2005.
In 2008, she still had enough drive to try to make her dreams of having a ranch and horses come true. On Valentine's Day, we both found a place that seemed perfect. Three months later we were moving into the 5 acre ranch/home.
Misty, our beloved Tennessee Walker did not live to see the move. She died before we could close escrow. Huckleberry, our Basset hound also died in 2008 along with Stinky, the boogery, toothless tomcat. Time may be the great healer, but it is also killing us all slowly. I have type 2 diabetes, but can control it with strict diet and exercise. I still have my feet.
By 2009, she is no longer walking or doing much of anything. It is hard to transfer to the wheelchair or the shower without risking falling. 98% of everyday is spent in bed doing stuff on the internet (dial-up) listening to audio books or watching tv (3 channels).
We had a $10,000 bathroom remodel done with a 401k loan, but are still unable to use it due to the manufactured shower pan not being truly a "roll-in" shower. It has a bevel 1-1/8 high which defies all but the 8" casters of a regular manual wheelchair. We now need to dump some more money into finding a shower wheel chair to make it up this ramp.
I went from being a carefree, fun-loving dude with minimal responsibilities and not so much economic prosperity to an overworked, soured, evil caregiver with lots of responsibilities and not much in the way of fun. I know this sounds selfish, because look at the deal my wife got. She got MS, deteriorating health and an evil sourpuss of a husband/caregiver.
I mean, I don't set out intentionally to be an ass, it just comes out in the course of a day if I don't really fight it. I don't do evil caregiver stuff like beat her or tie her to the bed (even if she begs). I just let the occasional bleep out or make an abrupt movement which she interprets as bad body language. I rarely deny it anymore. I just apologize and try to do better.
Lately, she has been threatening to move out, or worse yet, having some 70-year-old ex-boyfriend move in to take care of her. I could scream, but this would just aggravate the situation, so I have to bite my tongue and just be a good boy. I understand how she feels better than I understand my own feelings.
This is where I am at right at the moment. Sort of in the doghouse and out of second chances. I need help sorting out my anger and frustration issues. I need to have a better attitude toward life, but don't know how to start cuzz I hate it right now. Ever just hate everything? I don't know how to stop being me, and I don't like who I am.
So who reads these blogs? No one, I hope. I don't anticipate any fan clubs. I expect more the cave man type clubs and pitchforks and torches. Out with the evil caregiver! Out I say! Oh, and the giblets were right there where she said they would be.
No comments:
Post a Comment
I've changed my comments settings to allow for anyone to comment. All comments are welcome, even spineless potshots from anonymous posters. Please, by all means, give me the tongue lashing I so richly deserve. I promise not to hunt you down and melt your keyboard with my plasma cannon. I won't, however, promise not to pout and make that face you can't stand.