Robot Song

Since it rained, since it rained the Robot

Got left outside the shed

Got left outside the shed

Thought it was once ingrained inside my head

Despite of what you said, he got

Left outside the shed

Now his wheels are rusty

Since it snowed, since it snowed the Robot

Got left out in the cold, got left out in the cold

His arms no longer fold

And his batteries are old

I never cared much, truth be told

Despite of how you scold

And how you never trust me

In the spring, in the spring the flowers

Burst through the Robot’s head

His legs, made out of lead

Sink in the flower bed

And I wake up, I wake up, I get out of my bed

Put the Robot in the shed

Put the Robot in the shed

And you say you love me

A Barn, an MRV, Oxygen and a Blow-off Valve

So, this is 2010. I am still alive and married. My wife still has MS and all its craziness. She has moments of clarity and moments of being a "raging cow" (her phrase, coined in a "moment of clarity"). Most of the time she is somewhere in the middle.

As for me, I have a blow off valve which is like this: mostly I curse under my breath, and it keeps me from saying the things out loud that I would say if I didn't relieve the pressure/stress. It is the "evil caregiver" in me that makes me cuss. I have to harness all my superman powers to not get so angry at the MS for stealing my wife's brain that I punch holes in the walls. For her I put on the "yes, honey" routine, so, in that sense, the superman business is an act. In the sense of my daily routine, it's just that, a daily routine. The routine involves me doing everything and watching my wife slowly slip away.

So, we are putting a barn up on our property in hopes to get some animals. My wife loves horses and hopes to one day have one or two. It is so ironic that we moved to this place 2 years ago so we could have animals, and then my wife's health deteriorated so rapidly that now she barely makes it out of bed in a day. Anyway, the barn foundation is costing us a fortune and is going to be so well built that it will be a shame to put up our pipe panel mare motel on it. It deserves a 3 story big 'ol metal building. But we will have animals even if I wind up doing all their care and maintenance.

Yesterday after a shower she couldn't make it back into bed and fell onto the floor while transferring from the shower chair to the bed. I get so frustrated watching her on the floor crying. A family friend who is a retired doctor let us borrow an oxygen generator. While she was on the floor (I cannot lift her up, she weighs 300 lbs) I gave her the O2. It revived her enough to get on her knees and then up onto the bed. It seems that all her problems stem from a lack of brain oxygen.

So she had an MRV at UC Davis, and the doctor found a narrowed right jugular vein and a larger than normal left jugular vein with collaterals. The doppler scan showed very little flow on the right side. She has an appointment for an angioplasty some time in mid-April. By my birthday we will know if this whole CCSVI thing holds any water. Keeping my fingers and all other appendages crossed....Stay tuned.

Journal entry for _______ (some time in 2010 "Maybe")

Maybe if I poke, my eye
With a screwdriver I might get to the root of it
Somewhere in my mind--oh
Maybe