Think I'll Eat Some Worms

 

Got that pit of the stomach feeling again. No doubt because I am self-indulging my miserable feelings of worthlessness. I am alone. I am utterly alone. You know the drill. 

Here's the deal. I suck at a lot of things, being a caregiver tops the list. Other things I suck at. Barn building. Roof panels still not on correctly, kicking my ass and requiring help (again). Work. I have off days at work and get called into the office so often I need my own seat. I don't know how long this can go on before I get canned. Being a decent person. This goes back to caregiving, but it goes deeper. I am just not nice. 

Yesterday, I bumped my head, and my wife said, "Sorry you bumped your head. Did you learn anything?" I was not happy to be lectured so I tried to ask her to not include the scolding on account of I just bumped my head and it still hurt. She is PMSing right now so she jumped on my "stupidity" -- "12 years of..." --  "I have no sympathy for...."  I should have quit while I was behind, but stupidly I argued about how right I am...again. Long story short: no nap, no nookie and Boopie up in the middle of the night crying. 

It's not about me. I look at my wife lying there in bed, and nothing makes her happy anymore. She can't do anything other than play Farmville and write on Facebook. When she's asleep is the only time she seems to be at peace. I don't even know if that's the case; she looks like she's exhausted when she wakes up, like "why do I have to exist?" I don't have the answer. I know I'd be suicidal if I was in her shoes. Or socks as the case is. She never wears shoes because her feet rarely are on the ground for more than a few seconds or she will go into hyper-panic mode. 

Back to the head bumping. She says she has no sympathy for anyone who has two arms and two legs and can walk around and bump their head. Or walk around and stub their toe or....you get it? I don't blame her for that. I filter everything through my own pain as well. It doesn't help that I get agitated by everything. She said, "You never show me any sympathy, and I'm the one who deserves it the most. I am just getting back at you and showing you how it feels." Touche. I get it. 

She is really mad because of the diet I am trying to put her on, which is somewhat lower carb than she'd like. That is, no pizza, spaghetti, dairy, high saturated-fat meat, etc. She has been getting used to a little more of the goodies than she had been having. The other day she had to go to the cardiologist to get clearance for the 2nd angio. That's a whole other story. The cardiologist said she had a weak area in the lower part of her heart. She didn't have to go on drugs, but he recommended it. She said she'd try the diet and exercise first. 

However, this will be not as easy as it seems. She is a carboholic and gets real mean, real fast when denied their sugary goodness. I don't blame her for this, either. I wish she could eat whatever she wants and have no repercussions. It's just not that way. With MS, diet is really important. And now with a cardio problem, too...Anyway, I just dread bringing her food cuzz I know it's not going to be what she wants. With the PMS happening, she may throw it at me. 

It's not that I have it so bad. I am the one who is mobile, so I do everything. Everything that I can within my limitations. Sometimes I try to go beyond them and get into trouble overdoing it. Not being smart, trying to "flat rate" some job, only to fuck it up (like the barn roof...arrrrhhh). Anyway, who needed to hear this? No one. I just needed to vent. And not as in my blow off valve, which blows off all the time anymore. I need to try to make my wife's life as trouble free as possible and give her some kind of happiness, if at all possible.