So, I guess I should mention that one day, not so long ago I had an epiphany. It was very subtle, no shining lights or falling off my horse, but more of a comforting realization that made me see things differently and led me to make some changes in my life.
While driving to work and contemplating my sorry situation (see previous posts), I had a deep longing to know "why?" We all ask this for many reasons in the course of our lives. This time was the "big one". Why are we here? Why all this? Why do we suffer?
The realization seemed to come to me that we are here as a game. It is just a game we chose to take part in from the start, so we can not take it too seriously. We, the Immortal, decided to get all dirty and play in the mud and experience all sorts of things and their consequences and all this was for Our entertainment. I became aware, I guess, at this point, 45 years into this lifetime, that I was not the only person on the planet. We are all going through this together, some happier, some sadder, some more aware, some blissfully ignorant, and some like me--just angry. It took a lot of things to pound me in the head to make me want to care about more than myself in this world.
I used to live for the good times and was addicted to weed, alcohol, caffeine and had to have a constant stream of media input into my brain. I fell asleep to TV or radio and at times TV, radio, CB and scanner simultaneously. Talk about schizo! I couldn't stand the silence, I was afraid I would have to hear my own thoughts. When I did hear them, they were just so much random repetition. I would ruminate on the things that were wrong and wish for things to be different. The buzzing of the echoes of my media soaked brain would play on in endless loops of songs, tv commercials, harsh voices of self-criticism and on and on. I had not a moment of peace unless I became buzzed out of my mind.
One time, while sitting on the couch, buzzed out of my mind, I actually came a bit unglued. I felt that I, myself, did not exist. I was aware of my body, but felt completely disconnected from it. I began to wonder if this was what it was like to be dead. I thought, oooh, this is creepy. And also, hey, at least I am still "aware." I guess I can't be dead. I think now that at that moment I was so far out of my regular mind, that all patterns of reality and associations vanished momentarily. It was not a sustainable state because the amount of intoxication had to be just right in order not to actually kill the body or just pass out into dreamless slumber. Anyway, I digress.
I guess now you can say I am on a quest. A quest to find what was never lost, but was buried deep within me: my own true spirit. I must keep moving forward on my path of spirituality and toward the goal of Being. It is a slow process for me. I have many ingrained patterns to abolish. I find the goal of surrender is also the path.
One good thing has happened. I find I am more peaceful and accepting of what is, even if it is not enjoyable. Occasionally, I have moments of unexpected joy, or alternately, I tear up when I hear some truth being spoken. I have noticed in my "reading" of the audio books listed below there is a common thread to all religions. There is a great unmanifested Spirit who is the source of all being and awareness. The goal for humans is to become aware of their God-nature and become beings of love and merge with the One. In the meantime, we play in the mud, and God watches, amused.
Suggested reading:
David Burns -- Feeling Good
Deepak Chopra -- How to Know God
The Tibetan Book of the Dead
Jon Kabot-Zinn -- Wherever You Go, There You Are
Judith Orloff -- Emotional Freedom-Liberate Yourself from Negative Emotions and Transform Your Life
Parmahansa Yogananda -- God Talks with Arjuna, The Bhavad-Gita, Royal Science of God Realization, the Eternal Dialogue between Soul and Spirit, Autobiography of a Yogi
Eckhart Tolle -- The Power of Now,
Stillness Speaks,
A New Earth - Awakening to Your Life's Purpose
The Bible -- New American Standard translation
Lao Tzu -- The Tao Te Ching
Or you could spare yourself the reading and just go outside and sit under a tree and look at a flower. It shouldn't take too long for a person who is ready to make a change to get the cooperation of the Universe to help them. Realizing that you are being helped may take some time, as what we expect is not always what we get. It's never too late and it's never too soon--take a look at yourself and make the CHANGE.
