Journal entry for July 31, 2011 (My Facebook Ego and the AC control panel)

A couple of days ago, in the midst of feeling beat down and unimportant, a friend from 30 years ago contacted me on Facebook. What a trip. They put pictures up that included some old ones of my days as a punk in Anaheim. I suddenly felt like I was somebody again.

I don't know if that's a good thing or not. Aren't we trying to get rid of the ego? Regardless of who is me, the me that remembered being me back in the '80s got quite a charge out of seeing pictures that reminded me that I was somebody.

Ok, here's an example of how negative thinking doesn't always pan out (or even match reality). Our power went out the other day leaving Sharon without A/C for half a day. The power was only out for an hour or so, but the thermostat go reset to the factory default setting of 80 degrees when the power came back on.

Sharon wanted me to "take the thermostat off the wall" so I could look at the model number and she could research it online. I felt resistant to the idea of "taking it off the wall," having a fear of breaking it and not knowing how it was mounted, etc.

When I finally went to attempt it, I found that there was a front cover that comes off, and there were 2 ancient batteries in there. I replaced the batteries, and now when the power goes off (we tested it), the A/C comes right back on at the prior settings.

See?

Journal entry for July 29, 2011 (Binaural beats and Dennis, the tool guy)

Binaural beats. A meditation tool utilizing different frequency audio tones in the two separate hemispheres of the brain via stereo headphone input. I tried. It works. It can be scary. Just make sure your Ipod isn't on shuffle or you may get a rude awakening.

Also, yesterday Dennis warrantied an SK tool of mine and promised to look into a couple more. Lesson: Give and you will receive. Forgive and you will be forgiven. But don't do it just for those reasons. Just do it.

Journal entry for July 27, 2011 (Overworked at home, underworked at my job)

Yesterday I felt overworked and underpaid -- it was still the weekend. Today I feel under-worked and underpaid because it was slow again at work. I didn't struggle or suffer too much. Just plain bored.

Journal entry for July 26, 2011 (Drinking again)

So I gave in and drank yesterday.I was tired of feeling bad and not able to get out of my funk, so I returned to an old familiar remedy. I made sure that I didn't fuck around and had 2 shots of tequila and 2 beers and then I felt a lot better (for the moment).

Then my wife and I had sex. It was better than usual, i.e., it went smoother, without the usual physical disasters that regularly happen.

Later, I tried to meditate and it didn't go so well. I was agitated and just felt like getting it over with. I put on my "Course in Miracles" tape and my lesson for today was, "I do not perceive what is in my own best interest." Great. I guess I also flubbed the one for the previous day --"I can escape the world I see by giving up my attack thoughts." It's like this stuff was put here strategically by by some higher being, or like I left a trail of breadcrumbs for myself to find.

Nahhh.

And by the way, you can get a mild hangover from 4 drinks if you don't drink regularly. Today I have to mow the lawn and make food for the week. I'm probably gonna skip the alcohol for a while.

Journal entry for July 25, 2011 (Angry Guy)

The forest fire of my anger is fully engulfed. I am now in day 2 of being pissed. We tried to make amends. She hugged me and said sorry but then qualified it with a bunch of "until you do this & that, I will think the same thing."

I am more pissed at myself, God and everything at this point, and she is just getting the results of it. She only said I was lazy and self-centered, and I kept it going. My ego or blah, blah, blah enjoys anger and pain, I guess, because that's all I allow myself to feel.

I never smile, except in pictures, and of course, it's fake. I just don't feel a smile coming on for any reason. I just hate being me.

Journal entry for July 24, 2011 (Another useless fight)

Ok, how do I feel right now? Angry! Why? My wife called me "lazy and self-centered." She asked me to agree or disagree. I told her that I didn't want to argue with her, but she forced me to answer so I said, "I STRONGLY disagree."

I don't think it is fair for her to say things like that. She knows what I have to do in a day and that even if I wanted to enjoy some downtime, it wouldn't make me "LAZY." But I haven't had a day off of caregiving for her and doing everything else in like 3 years, so how am I lazy? I may not be motivated to do extra stuff because what I do already is a lot. I just get pissed off when someone calls me lazy and is not in my shoes. FUCK

Journal entry for July 23, 2011 (forcing the bloom)

"Trying to force a flower to bloom. It ain't gonna happen." -- Upon reflecting upon my meditation technique, performing a ritual with an impure heart. "You fool, first go reconcile yourself with your brother and then bring your offering to God."

Journal entry for July 22, 2011 (A shit day, prerequistes)

Don't get too sappy just yet. Today was another day that goes in the "shitty" category. I have learned to deal with it at work when I get the shit jobs. You just take your time and keep plugging away. It will eventually be done.

Same at home. Keep cleaning it up--it will eventually be done. But only just for a while. Then more shit will come. Sometimes in the process of cleaning shit, there is pee. And any number of such combos. I grow weary. One step forward, two steps back. Or is is 2 steps forward, 1 step back?

Anyway, who makes a world like this, really? I can step outside and see flowers and pet dogs and go for a walk. My wife is stuck in a bed with her own shit all day. I have a hard time reconciling the suffering of this life with a world of beauty, which is also a world of death. And shit.

Wait, there's more. Prerequisites. Whatever I have to do seems to require that I do something else first. Like, if I neglect something one day, it will be there for me, in my way, before I can do the next thing. I have dirty dishes, but the dishwasher is full. I am too tired to bitch anymore. But I'd sure like to.

Journal entry for July 21, 2011 (Beginning of Decomposition Notebook-- thanks, Big Guy)

I want to say "thank you" to God, Jesus, the Holy Spirit, All-that-is, whatever, for helping me to get rid of this anger and frustration. This week hasn't been any different situationally, but attitudinally it  has. I feel a bit of an ability to cope, to not react and even a bit of empathy for others. I need to stay focused on doing this daily when things don't go my way and also not get too cocky, 'cause it's always around the next corner.

Anyway, no anti-depressants for me just yet. Thanks again, Big Guy.

The Game

Here's an email to my mom which started it all. Sometimes I have to go back to it when I get to feeling like, well, like my last entry.

I have been thinking about you lately and felt like writing, but have had little time. You know the story.

I recently listened to the audio book version of David Burns book "Feeling Good." I remember you telling me about it quite some time ago and it seemed to make sense at the time. I never really followed through with any of the steps at the time, and any insights quickly vanished. Recently, due to the volatile situation at home, and my inability to cope, I sought to grasp at anything that might help me to better deal with my emotions and frustrations. This book has been very helpful in making me see where I am making my own life more negative and depressing than it needs to be.

I don’t say that I am “cured” of anger, frustration or resentment after having listened to it. However, seeing what is happening as it happens is a big step toward improving. He has a lot of concrete advice (something I wish all therapists would offer) and his observations and techniques are very helpful to a person who is “stuck” in some kind of emotional rut or another.

I think the audio book idea is a good way for a person on the go to get the benefit of reading when sitting down to read is impractical. I listen in my car or while cooking or doing dishes. The soothing tone and the rational thought processes infiltrate my thinking. Later, when situations arise, I am brought back to the examples or strategies outlined in the book and I find I can deal with things more calmly.

It has helped me to be more empathic and less reactive to people. I recently had an epiphany or revelation or whatever you want to call it. Here it is. There are other people on the planet besides myself. It is kind of shocking and amazing that I should only be realizing this at the age of 45. I guess, better late than never.

This thought led me to the related fact that these other people have feelings, emotional ruts, desires, hopes, fears and motivations similar and dissimilar to my own. I guess my 2-way radio has been stuck on transmit the whole time. Now I find that I can tune in to the thoughts and feelings of others and this is greatly helpful in making social situations less dysfunctional.

These thoughts running through my head kind of made me forget my immediate issues and start to ponder some of the deeper issues of life such as “what is the meaning of life?”

I am not ready to write a book or thesis but here it is in a nutshell. What I think I believe at the current moment (subject to change):

We are all God/gods as a part of the collective consciousness known as life. This includes animals, trees, sure—whatever.

A long time ago being all powerful, blah, blah blah, We got bored and decided to invent a game to play for Our amusement.

The game is called the world as we know it. It is similar to Monopoly or the game of Life. We come from “the other place” and take on various roles, each designed to teach us different things. But we already know these things, hence the game. We have all this erased, or mostly erased, and come in as a blank slate. The fun is in the process. Not winning or losing. But there is a goal. To become love incarnate.

Religions are like clues we leave for the next round of the game. Tips to help get you there. The “Golden Rule” would probably suffice. Sure, some religions are twisted and not as helpful, but that’s because we are all imperfect as long as we are in this realm. We don’t always see things clearly and we get “programmed” by other imperfect mortals. And we all have the handicap of this mortal body. There are consequences to improper play, but there is no final judgment, only the judgment you make on yourself. We come back again and again to “get” different aspects of the game and perfect our playing of it.

Negative thoughts and emotions, physical disabilities, natural catastrophes, etc are all obstacles designed into the game to perfect our outcome. They are like hurdles for the runner, the bar for the pole-vaulter and the waves upon which we surf (once we have learned how to not flail around in the water). Every game has to have opposing players and every challenge must have something difficult to overcome. It is through these challenges and conflicts that we grow. Remember the goal is love. In the end, we are all really on the same team, just for the purposes of training we have to split up into two sides in order to have a game to play at all.

Things on this planet that make us happy we designed into the game as respites and rewards: food, sex, music, a good book, a sunset—whatever you like. These make the tedious aspects of the game more tolerable. It isn’t all fun. Not by a longshot. But once we decided to play the game, being all Godly and stuff, well, the game isn’t going away any time soon. There are a lot of poor sports who would just as soon chuck the Monopoly board across the room and say “I quit.” But the game goes on. And guess what? You can’t quit! You may have a time out. But really, everyone will have to come on board eventually.

If it ever gets out, this whole nature of the universe as a game and everyone really does evolve to that point…ahem. That is the scary thing for us as humans. It could be the end of the universe as we know it. I mean, when you place the last card in solitaire and everything is nicely arranged—it’s game over. And that’s a good thing. Maybe that is why there seem to always be stragglers and un-evolved people still walking around. We don’t want the game to end. What will We do next?

I, for my part, feel a whole lot more comfortable in my skin knowing that it is just a game. The pressure is off. I’m not going to drive my car into a tree to “hit the reset button” because I have come too far in this game to start again. I don’t know what the “other side” holds, but I’m pretty sure it’s all ice cream and rainbows and nothing even so malevolent as a hiccup.

I don’t know how long a person must live or how many times we come back or when or if we stop. As a human I am used to linear thinking. That is how I came up with the game analogy. I believe that there will be an end. And I believe in the triumph of good over evil. Evil is a potent adversary, but as all powerful Us, we created it, just to have a challenge, just to pass a few millennium. Solitaire is boring. There is no script and sometimes the rules are not clear to us, but ultimately, We cannot be defeated by something We created. In the end everyone will win and good will swallow up evil. George Bush, Hitler, Ghandi and Jesus will all have a cappuccino and discuss the events as they saw them. The stories could go on forever…

That’s the “reason for it all.” So that in the afterlife, when all is said and done, We will have something to talk about. And so We can’t say “I wonder what would have happened if…” For all I know there could be a zillion versions of this game being played out, different universes with slightly similar, slightly different players and constructs. Like an episode of “Fringe” or “Sliders.”

And no, I’m not on drugs.

I just came back to the keyboard to find my cat has typed a good portion of this (kidding---though I will give her credit for any typos).

That being said, I am still human, still struggle with depression, hurt, anger, frustration and fear. I just have a different perspective now and am trying it on for size. Even prisoners in solitary have freedom if only in their mind.

Well, enough philosophizing for now. It’s time for dinner.

So, how have you been? Don’t feel like you have to match my long-windedness if you don’t want to. I appreciate any email from you.

Love,

Andrew

The Dark Night

A time comes in every seekers journey where the initial results of his efforts seem to stop. The same old prescriptions just don't cut it anymore and he is left questioning his every belief. Indeed, God seems so far away and life so meaningless he may be inclined to give up and go back to what he thought made him happy before. But if he is far enough down the road, he realizes that there is no turning back, and yet seemingly there is nowhere forward to go. He is stuck.

I have no advice for the seeker at this point, because it is me. Unable to be rid of my ego, it hangs around my neck like a dead chicken to punish me. It is a foul, rotten thing and I know I "shouldn't" judge it so, but it is what it is.

Misery loves company so I am radiating all of my misery into the ether so I can bask in my "aloneness" with all other seekers who have hit the wall and are considering putting a bullet in it. There's a reason I don't own a gun. I shouldn't even be trusted with scissors.

In the wealth of wisdom is great sorrow. Ignorance is bliss. I have inoculated myself to responding to words of wisdom by listening to countless self-help and spiritual audio books. My wife, who has MS and was severely emotional a few months back, has now become my rock of sanity. I am off the deep end and have no sense of happiness or purpose. Only misery, only me. Universe, what universe?