Tuesday, October 29, 2013
how do i stop the cycle?
i hate the endless cycle of being a jerk or a coward and then feeling regret and sadness. i live in my miserable head and am in constant fear or agitation. if i am passably un-jerkish for a day or part of a day, give me a few minutes and it will come back around. i hate my life. i am such a fuck. i thought it was my wife's fault, or her illness, but it only revealed what is in there by testing my limits. my limits are shit. i am shit. i have no heart or soul and am mostly negative. i don't even try to be positive. i just do what i can to function in life, but not very well. i have no friends. i alienate my sick wife daily. she tries to make me more positive and i just get mad and then we fight. i feel possessed. i feel reptilian. where's my humanity? what the fuck am i and how did i get this fucked up. i'm asking the universe to give me some answers. i fear i will go to my death a hollow, empty shell ready to be taken over by complete evil. i don't even know what i believe. it's all one? it's all good? yah, right. fuck that nonsense. i am hitler, i am antichrist. how fucked is that to feel? is that what you want, o, god? a little walk on the dark side? god, i hate this shit. give me light and love or snuff out my pathetic hateful soul. the void. endless darkness. nothing. come on, universe. respond.
Hi, I'm Andrew, AKA Hoodyup the Evil Caregiver, and I approved this blog post. I may not have been in my right mind at the time, but what's done is done. I stand by my sins. Eppur si muove.
I started this blog as a way to vent my frustrations with life, the universe and everything (not the book by Douglas Adams; that was quite good, actually).
My seemingly charmed life took a turn in 2004 when my wife Sharon was diagnosed with MS. This blog documents the fallout and revisits the past, as well as chronicling my dreams and rants throughout the years.
Be warned - explicit language and content that runs the gamut can be found in these posts, which describe personal events, both real and those dreamed up by my overactive nocturnal psyche.
Also, I use real names whenever possible, so if you see a post with your name on it, it probably refers to you. Unless, of course, you don't know me, in which case it is purely coincidental.
Enjoy your visit. Comment, if you so desire, or lurk privately. This blog can be your guilty pleasure (or displeasure).
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I've changed my comments settings to allow for anyone to comment. All comments are welcome, even spineless potshots from anonymous posters. Please, by all means, give me the tongue lashing I so richly deserve. I promise not to hunt you down and melt your keyboard with my plasma cannon. I won't, however, promise not to pout and make that face you can't stand.