Journal entry for March 2, 2018

I don't know what the purpose is for writing down my thoughts. Am I just trying to wring out the mop so it can finally dry out? I don't guess these observations are very profound. I am just addicted to words. The constant describing of the state of things. The searching for the definitive description of what it is to be me at the moment. Obsession would describe it.

Right now I'm obsessed with the malady of my left eye. I want to not think about it, give it a chance to get better, but at the same time do something, anything, in the direction of making it better. So far this has involved: 2 trips to the Walmart optometrist, numerous OTC and prescription eye drops, cold compresses, warm compresses, honey eye drops, lid scrubs, facial cleansing with apple cider vinegar (ouch!), tea tree oil, castor oil, clothes and bedding washing (extra, I mean) and vacuuming (extra).

I am just too bothered by it to do anything in the realm of actual, living my life, let's call it. I feel like a ghost because I mostly just hang around the house pondering "what can I do?" And I find it's mostly nothing.

I wake up, take antibiotic (eye obsession again) wash my eyelids and assess what condition of the conjunctive layer is in after a night of dry-eyed sleep(less) sleep. Then I exercise for 15 minutes or so. The cold weather makes walking the dogs undesirable, so I skip it. I take a shower and spend an hour making breakfast.

I eat breakfast and feed Sharon. Oh, I forgot to include the minimum morning cleanup of Sharon in there before the exercise, but that's part of the routine, too. So, breakfast and the TV show of the day (or 2 or 3) while eating. It takes 45 minutes to 1-1/2 hours to feed Sharon a meal so that she won't choke (too much). We're all done by 11:45.

So having woken up at 7 AM, eaten breakfast and showered, the 15 min. exercise is about it for the morning. Now I go downstairs and brush my teeth and Sharon will most likely be asleep when I get back. What's next?

I may do a load of laundry, a part of my new obsession with removing allergens unsuccessfully. Or look on the computer...for what? I dunno, I may google eye disorders or just look Facebook and find satisfaction in neither. Nothing gets accomplished and soon it is 2 o'clock, Sharon's medication time.

I load her up with the meds and TV shows that she will watch/fall asleep to for the next few hours. Now I have another gap of time to find purposeful activity for. In the past it would be my outdoor activity time, but like I said, the weather either too cold, too windy or too many allergens. See?

I stay focused on anything to distract form my current misery. Play the cello for 5 minutes. I suck, so I give up quickly. Play guitar.  A little better, but I'm mostly rusty and uninspired. A big lot of "why bother?"

I feel guilty for the wastefulness of the time. The days and weeks with little or nothing to show. If I clean the sink in the bathroom that's an accomplishment, but I lack the follow through or the "give a shit" to clean the entire bathroom. That can wait, like everything else, until I feel better. Or until the level of filth gets critical and then I will do the least amount possible.

I guess I don't feel like anything is worth the effort right now. I want to get past this, to plant a garden, to mow my lawn, walk the dogs, ride the bike, but everything seems, I dunno, pointless. I won't enjoy it and therefore nothing will be gained by doing it. Sounds like depression, I guess, if we're naming and defining things.

But I'm too much of a philosopher to be so narrowly defined. My non-dual, non-existent world view leaves me with "nothing to do, nowhere to go." So I should "just be." Well, right now, that's about it. I'm just being. And it ain't really all that great.