When Sharon Was Alive ‎

When Sharon was alive, all I could think about was how I was being kept prisoner by her illness.

How one day, when she finally died, I would be free.

I would pursue all my dreams that were so out of reach due to my being a caregiver.

I thought, “I’ll finally be able to go places, do things and I will never waste another minute sitting around this house.”

Yeah, and now that she’s gone,

All those dreams have evaporated.

And all I want to do is lay there in bed,

And watch golf on a Saturday.

And Sunday.

When I was working, I thought, “If only I didn’t have to work, I’d get so much more accomplished around the house.”

“I’ll be a better caregiver and housekeeper.”

“I’ll focus my energy on taking care of things here and have time left over to pursue my hobbies, like music, bike riding, gardening…whatever I like. I’ll have time.”

Now, with no job and no Sharon to take care of, it’s just me.

And I have no dreams left to pursue and I just can’t make myself care about much around here.

It all seems so pointless.

Just want to watch golf.

And sleep.

But my eyes are plaguing me.

The left one, mainly.

And sleep is even hard for me to get much of these days.

Not for lack of trying, but because I have to wake up and put eyedrops in my eyes after a couple of hours.

I am thinking now, “Maybe when I’m dead, I won’t have this or that problem to deal with and I can finally be free.”

But will I be?

Not if I’m still me.