Expense Account Letter (from when I was still in the cult)

MAR 19, 1989

Gentlemen:

Your expectations are simply too high! No one, including my grandmother, could get a furnace out under the conditions and stipulations you have set forth without the aid of a supernatural deity, which none of you seem to possess. So, in retrospect, I think we could have avoided this whole nasty occurrence simply by ordering more cheese sauce instead of right wing-tip shoes. Is there anything I can do to make this whole thing up?

As long as we are on the subject of tartar, there are a few pointers which I believe will reduce the residue left by most chewing tobaccos (with the exception of Wood Stain, which I believe is the main agent of Soviet aggression in Angola). All jesting aside, this is a serious matter. As a matter of fact, it is so serious that I am thinking of extending it to nine innings and settling it.

One more note on the momentum of planetary dependencies. With our current technology, it is simply not possible to note all the inter-stellar changes in a person’s diet. I see no other alternative -- amputation! In just six short weeks you, yes you, could be off of your rocker arm and into a Nice Ice Tea armchair, with full robotics.

While in Central America, I noted the movements of some strange gypsies through the streets of GuataMeatball. There was no way to avoid running up quite a tab on the lunch wagon while they were around. Here, at long last is a list of my traveling expenses:

1. Stew and Gravy   $4.98

2. Weightlifting shoes  $6.00

3. Homing pigeons (sweaters and garlic not included)   $14.00

4. Sweaters  $1.00

5. Garlic (Imported from Chesapeake, North Carolina)   $299.00

TOTAL $324.98

Thank You -- Call Again