This is Bullshit! A Comprehensive Field Guide

 

Having spent a lifetime as an expert in the field of bullshit recognition, I feel as if I have already written the book on what is bullshit. 

In all of life's situations, there needs to be someone who can point out (in case there is any question or doubt) just what is and what is not bullshit. There might come a time when it is handy to have a reference guide, in case I'm not around to point it out for you. 

This book will not attempt to interpret your own particular bullshit, but it will provide you with a template for categorizing the various types and degrees of bullshit that exist. It is up to you to decide what fits where on the scale of "that's nothing" to "complete and utter bullshit."

Statements like "never bullshit a bullshitter" are, in themselves, bullshit. 

Why? Well, why not? Why not bullshit a bullshitter? It seems to me that if you are looking for a litmus test to see if your bullshit is going to pass muster, why not run it by a professional? If your bullshit can fool the bullshitter, you have truly achieved mastery, and your bullshit should work on just about anybody. 

Also, a bullshitter will be more likely, as a practitioner himself, to forgive the sin of bullshitting. You might get a twinkly-eyed "Aw, come on" but not the jaw dropping, self-righteous gasp of a non-bullshitter.

I should mention that this book is a companion in the series which includes "Andrew's Big Book of What is Cool" and "The Big Book of What is Gay." The term gay, in this case, is used in its most inclusive, and least politically sanitized sense. It is an umbrella term, which can cover many non-homosexual items, situations or people. 

Long before "gay" was the exclusive property of a specific group of people with certain sexual orientations, it was an adjective. I'm returning the word it to its former usefulness. This will undoubtedly piss off a lot of people who would like to claim ownership or are averse to the term having any negative connotations. 

Sorry. My lens, my perspective, my book. If you don't like it or agree with it, write your own book and make up your own definitions.

"Cool" doesn't suffer from so much baggage and will not need a lot of disclaimers or non-apologetic explanation. Something is either cool or not cool. This will be a completely subjective reference table, just in case anyone was wondering about the coolness or non-coolness of any particular thing in the universe, from my perspective.

Back to the bullshit at hand. I had to repair my water heater for the I don't know how many-eth time in the past 5 years. I think I came across the exact root or roots of the failure, though. One, in particular, was the fact that it was rated for 115 volts, and I have been operating it on 220v for most of its life. 

I seem to remember something about the guy who installed telling me, "we can't find another one this size that runs on 220v, so just flip one side of this double pole breaker and you'll be aight." I promptly forgot about that and flipped on both sides at my earliest convenience. 

The other issue was the quality of the well water. It is chock full of minerals, which, interacting with the heating element, create an internal short and make a thick, goopy sludge that is almost too thick to drain from the drain valve. I actually had to blow compressed air into it to get this gelatinous crud to ooze out.

So, a new circuit breaker, thermostat, a 220v heating element and rewire job and I have hot water again. Where does this fall on the scale of bullshit? 

"Fuckin' bullshit!" 

I hesitate to go with Major Fuckin' Bullshit out of a sort of "knock on wood" mentality of not wanting the universe to up the ante of the type of bullshit it is handing out. Some things, like, oh, crippling, long-term illness, for example, could push this way back down the scale, almost to "that's nothing," or at least petty, insignificant bullshit.

I've had to deal with all kinds of bullshit, so I'm becoming adept at sorting out which level of bullshit I'm dealing with at any given time. Whether you're an ascended master, or an everyday hot-head, if you are honest, you will have to admit that life has its share of bullshit. 

"Don't try to shit down my back and tell me that it's raining. At least pee on me, because that would be more believable."

I'm stealing that quote, and I'm not gonna give credit to the person just yet, because that story has a backstory and right now we're not even in the same volume of reference material. But it's a good one, I promise you that. A real hair-curler. More on this later.