Nightmare

I died in my dreams last night. It was pretty quick. I don't even know what the exact thing was that killed me. Fire, I think. But everything faded to gray before I could get a chance to feel anything. 

 

I was out on my front lawn looking up at the sky and I saw a huge plume of smoke. I had a horrible feeling, like when the last fire came through our property. But this one was worse. I knew that this was it. The sinking feeling in the pit of your stomach that tells you that there is absolutely no escape at all. 

 

I thought to myself, "This is it, then. This is how I die." And the sinking feeling enveloped me and that was it. Gray. Then boom I was awake. 

 

It left me shaken. I think about death a lot. But the visceral feeling doesn't take hold like this often. 

 

My LED, my Sharon, has been with me for days. Since earlier this week, right as my GI appointment was approaching. Throughout this week, it has stayed on, blinking and turning off, but coming back on, brighter than the other lights. I don't know what she wants me to know. That she's here? 

 

I wish I felt it more. I'm an intellectual and skeptical type, but if reason fails to persuade me I am forced to rely on feeling and intuition. So, being deficient in those, I'm left in a limbo state. I want something to tell me, "This is it." 

 

The dream was like that, but not in a comforting way. It was a certainty. I was going to die because of that grey plume of smoke. 

 

 

 

I got stung by a wasp this week and my ear is looking infected. There is drainage from the back side of it, not near the site of the sting. It may be unrelated, another bug bite, perhaps. 

 

I saw a spider sneaking behind a mirror in my room tonight. I tried to catch it but it disappeared into god knows where, right before my eyes. I removed every picture frame and peeked behind them. It was gone. Now I'm unable to sleep, but am tired from waking up in the middle of the night and looking at my ear.

In other news, I get to possibly entertain one of my longtime friends, Diane, from bible study in a couple of weeks. She and a friend were coming up on a road trip and talked about staying with me for a bit. I was happy for the idea of company, but expect it to fall through. 

 

Sure enough, Nancy, the one who instigated the whole thing appears to have backed out. I told Diane she was still welcome, if that wouldn't be too awkward. She surprised me by saying that she might still come up, perhaps sooner, since her son lives in Northern California. So, I have been cleaning my house and daydreaming about having my first female friend visit in, well, forever.

I feel a mix of agitation and excitement, while also trying to fend off the feeling of hopefulness. But daydreams persist, since I've had a bit of a crush on her for a long time. Best to put those thoughts aside and just treat it like a kindhearted visit from an old friend, since that's what it is. 

 

But my death dream and my ear has me concerned. Not to mention that I'm waiting for results from several biopsies taken during my upper and lower GIs. Why do I insist on having things to live for when death seems so certain and imminent?