The Moaning Pages – January 29, 2022

Well, my vacation was a bust. I suppose, as with anything, it is all a matter of perception. A starving kid in Africa, or a prisoner on furlough, would have been thrilled to death, tickled pink or over the moon to be where I was, doing the things Denise and I did. I, Andrew Golding, spoiled rotten brat, AKA the depressed whiny dude, was underwhelmed.

It’s not that the ocean’s magnificence failed to impress. It was, as always, majestic, powerful and full of energy. Sheer cliffs and rocky outcroppings towering over the pounding surf, and the biting cold of the morning air, mitigated by the suns gentle rays, provided a setting designed to induce both wonder and gratitude. Wonder at the vastness of the ocean, the power and force of nature, and gratitude for the temporary leniency of the weather to allow two humans to stand in such close proximity to something as enormous and potentially volatile as the sea.

It’s just that it didn’t work on me or Denise. Since I’m being honest, and I’m in a personal forum where no one is supposed to be reading this, I’ll just say what’s really on my mind: I’m starting to have doubts about the two of us.

I guess this has been on my mind since the beginning. I thought it was just me at first, that I was being shallow or superficial, judgmental, petty – hmm, so it’s OK to use words like that on myself, then, but not to judge others? I will admit there seems to be a double standard going on. Obviously, we all judge others. We judge ourselves as well. But somehow, when we judge ourselves, it is seen as humility and is a forgivable trespass. When we judge others, it is seen as critical, snobby and uncool.

There are a lot of things I like about Denise. She is a compassionate, kind person. See, that’s a judgment right there, but it is a positive one, so I will be afforded a pass. But there are things that I see in her, which are also things I see in myself, that I don’t like. She is chronically depressed, makes poor choices for herself in the area of self-care, and is very flat emotionally. We are actually very alike.

Physically, she is overweight. She’s not happy about this, but she lacks the willpower to make the dietary changes necessary fix it. And she is dealing with other factors such as medication, genetics, metabolism, etc. Being depressed, she eats poorly, does little exercise and has little motivation. And she also has some food allergies which are difficult to accommodate a decent diet.

That’s just me being a sideline critic. I am not able to life coach someone else, since I’m not really the most motivated person in the world myself. I prefer to spend my days doing the very minimum of work, and yet I expect the maximum reward. A couch potato critical of another couch potato for having too many potato roots, can’t you just smell the hypocrisy frying in the deep fryer?

When we first got together, it was because we were set up by my friend Emery. Emery is a logical person, and she saw two lonely people and figured, “Hey, let’s do the obvious thing and pair them. Problem solved.” I went along with it, despite my lack of attraction to Denise, because A) I was lonely and B) I figured the lack of an emotional spark could just be my own brokenness.

I had been grieving for three years and isolated because of COVID for a year and a half. I was ready to jump into anything, compatibility be damned. Before COVID, I had a few sparks of emotion and attraction that occurred when I had dreams about my old high school flame, Lesa, and to a lesser extent Jeanette and my ex-cult friend, Diane.

OK, I probably would have gotten with any girl who would have me, a pulse being the only prerequisite. So, Denise qualified, although she wasn’t someone I would have picked out of a lineup. See how horrible I sound? But that is me, superficial, I guess.

But lack of physical attraction is a big deal when you are sleeping with someone. Sometimes, that can be compensated for by an overwhelmingly magnetic personality. A person can have a vivacious personality that exudes confidence that it casts a spell, effectively blinding a person to the physical incongruities of their appearance. Sexy is as sexy does, not always just how sexy looks. Sadly, though, Denise lacks confidence, and so no magic spell is created. It’s just lumpy, dumpy Denise and her bad hair.

Oh, God, how I hate myself! I am down the road six months with this person who I barely can soften my gaze enough to look at. I can’t claim to look past a person’s appearance, to the heart, the true inner beauty of the soul. What if there is a costume party going on, and she is actually the most beautiful soul in the room, just wearing a frumpy disguise? I am judging door number 2 to be inadequate, when in fact, behind it might be the greatest prize on the show.

But appearances are a big thing in the animal world, so I guess that’s where my level of perception rests. I can reject beautiful women as unsuitable partners because A) they wouldn’t have me anyway, and B) I equate that to them being stuck-up or superficial. But that is just me projecting. I am the stuck-up, superficial one in this equation.

Every judgment that I lay on Denise, from her weight to her hair or even her smell (yes, she has a particular smell, and not an altogether pleasing one—kind of like wet paint in an enclosed room) I could probably find an equivalent for in my own stat sheet.

What matters, though, is whether or not the two of us are happier together than we would be alone. I’m still on the fence about that. In the absence of an overwhelming emotional YES coming from deep within my heart, the flip-flop, pitter-patter tell that would indicate true love (a concept I can’t say I grasp at all) I will have to rely on logic and cold calculated mathematics. I will have to A/B chart Denise.

This kind of thing is usually done internally and is never meant to see the light of day, much less be preserved in writing in some forum where another person might come across it and gawk. It is too personal. So, if you are another human being, someone besides Andrew Golding, you might want to fast forward, scroll down or hit your back button. You are trespassing, and the penalty is that you will become complicit in my crimes against humanity.

This has been the fastest morning pages that I have concocted to date. Very little thought went into self-censoring, editing or calibrating for an audience. If I seem to vacillate, it is because I am conflicted.

When I thought about the idea of breaking up with Denise, despite the reasons that I’ve begun to expose, I immediately became sentimental, melancholy and tender-hearted. This writing first thing in the morning business gives me a chance to get some thoughts out before they have had a chance to put on their makeup. This isn’t how I “should” feel, ought to feel or want to feel, but it is how I do feel.

Right now, I feel like I have to pee, so I am going to leave my A/B chart for tomorrow. I have a date with a cup of coffee, a guitar, amp and some weed, and I’m getting a bit hungry. My evil self bids you all a fond adieu for now.