When you accidentally bring your mom to sex camp

To be fair, I didn't know it was sex camp. It just seemed like a bunch of nice people who liked to hug a lot (and sometimes take off their clothes). I was sitting alone in the living room on the plush white carpet with my back against a white couch, staring in the general direction of a TV set, my face as expressionless as the blank screen.

A lady named Denise, who I knew from my church days, sat down next to me. She was dressed smartly in an all white business suit, her white blouse unbuttoned just one button past respectable. Slowly, she began initiating contact. 

At first, it was just a few innocent finger brushes, and then she began massaging my hands. Soon she had her breasts pressed up against my face, and I was enveloped in pillowy, soft skin. I felt that perhaps something about this was forbidden or wrong, but searching the room for signs of a husband or any bystanders, I couldn't come up with any logical or physical reason not to proceed, so I dug in. 

Soon, however, it was dinner time, and we had to curtail our activities. I went down to the main assembly area and found my mom eating some free samples from a pie vendor's table. The proprietor, a twenty-something bearded hipster with red hair and glasses, was chatting up my mom, and she appeared to be going for it. I pulled her aside into an adjacent room and spoke to her in a hushed tone:

"Mom, do you know what you are doing?" I asked bluntly. "Clearly, the guy is using his free samples to try to scam on you. He just wants in your pants." 

But this was my mom, the free-love hippie feminist from the sixties, and I wasn't telling her anything she wasn't aware of.

"When you get with a guy like that, you just know it is going to be quick," she confided. "Wham bam -- and very little 'thank you, ma'am' -- if you know what I mean."

"I know what you mean," I stopped her quickly, before the information overloaded my circuits. My mom was about to have quickie anonymous sex with a random pieman that she'd just met 5 minutes ago. It was a lot to process.

While she weighed the pros and cons out loud, ultimately deciding (over my objections) to go ahead with it, I decided to remain nearby, in case something (even more objectionable) happened. I wasn't going to stop her from having a bit of wild fun, but I didn't really want to supervise, either. I just wanted to be close enough that I could intervene, in case things didn't go well. 

It seemed like she knew what she was in for, so I really had no job other than to stand around and wait with her for her snack table hookup to show up. He arrived a couple of minutes later, and my mom began to disrobe.

<telephone ringing sound>

"This is Amazon calling to authorize your purchase of one thousand four hundred dollars for a MacBook Pro," a synthetic female voice tells me in Steven Hawking monotone. "If you did not make this purchase, press one to speak to one of our representatives."