Saturday, July 30, 2022

Amazon Emergency

*The following events actually transpired:

 

Brrring-bring bring. 

Bring. 

 

A:       <robotic computer voice> Hello this is Amazon calling to inform you about a charge of 913 dollars on your Amazon account for iPhone11. To stop this transaction press 1. To authorize this transaction press 2.

Me:     <presses 2 just to fuck with them> <waits for live representative>

A:       <scammer, located somewhere in India> Hello this is Amazon, how can I help you?

Me:     I don't know. How can I help you? You called me, you know. You must need some help with something. How can I assist you?

A:       Are you on drugs, sir?

Me:     <laughs> <caught off-guard> Umm....

A:       You are on drugs, aren't you?

Me:     <continued maniacal laughter> Umm...Maybe...a little. <embarrassed to be outed by a telescammer>

A:       Haha. OK, sir. That's OK. That's fine. 

Me:     How did you know?

A:       Sir, I need to know what kind of drugs are you on? 

Me:     <silent> <I had smoked a little weed earlier> < man, this guy's good> 

A:       Sir, are you going to do cocaine? You want to do some cocaine right now?

Me:     <more laughter> Thanks, man! You're a really cool guy, you know.

A:       That's OK, sir. Have a nice day. You can do your cocaine, and don't worry about it. We will reverse the charges, and they will no longer apply.

Me:     Whatever you gotta do, man. I understand. 

A:       Goodbye, sir!

Me:     Goodbye, friend!





Meanwhile, back in Paradise...another dream about Sharon, work and my inability to arrive on time, or at all.


 

I am having trouble piecing together the two threads, but there was some element about Sharon being left at home in our little Paradise house while I was attempting to go to work. She was disabled, but she had rare moments when she was completely fine. I never knew when those would be, so I couldn't ever count on going to work and leaving her safely.

"Fix me up this way, and I'll be fine," she said pointing to some pillows to put behind her head as she lay there in bed.

I was dubious, but I did as she said. Within minutes she was ambulatory. This always comes as a shock to me when it happens in dreams, but I've learned to go with it.

"So, I should go to work, then?" I asked, kind of disappointed on the one hand, but glad on the other. I was excited that she could walk, but I don't like going to work any more in my dreams than I do in real life.

"Yes," she said, "and you'd better get to it, or you'll be late."

Of course, I would. I am always battling clocks and impossible ETAs in my dreams. I calculated that if I left right then, I'd be an hour and a half late. I said goodbye and rushed out the door. I jumped in the car and tried to back it out of the driveway, but I banged into a parked car on the way out. It was my neighbor's car, so I had to stop and tell them how I was sorry, and that I'd deal with it later, but I was late for work.

My car wouldn't start after that, though, so I grabbed my skateboard out of desperation, thinking -- I don't know -- that I'd somehow make it the 50 miles to Yuba City on this decrepit old contraption whose wheels would barely spin? I'd made it halfway down Neal Road, when the trucks came apart, separating the skateboard wheels and axles from the board. I ground to a stop in the middle of the road as cars sped past.

I pulled out my old first generation candy bar cell phone and managed to dial the number for work. I didn't get it on the first try, but after a few attempts, I had Luis from the service department on the line.

"Look," I told him, "I'm still about forty-something miles out, and my car is disabled. Are you sure I need to come in today?" 

"Don't go anywhere," he said, "I'll come up and get you."

I hadn't planned for this response. I figured he'd tell me that it was a slow day and that I could just stay home. Nope. Within seconds, it seemed, he was right there in his truck.

"I have some tools," he said. "Let's get that skateboard fixed, and you can be back on your way."

This was the most unlikely scenario I could imagine, and I suggested that maybe I could just catch a ride with him, since he'd already driven all that way. Apparently, this hadn't occurred to him. I still didn't want to go to work, but as we worked on my skateboard, putting the trucks back together while we discussed logistics, it became apparent that, one way or another, I was going to have to go.

That's where the dream left off. I kept waking up and trying to reconfigure my dream in such a way as to avoid the inevitable outcome, but I kept running into the brick wall of logic. I couldn't play the Sharon card because she was fine at the moment. There was work to be done, and I was needed, and Luis was there to pick me up. Damn.


Friday, July 1, 2022

A Day At The Races


I dreamed I was <yawn> working at YC Honda again. It was a slow day, so we were taking a field trip out on the town. A group of us were hanging out on the bridge just as a pride parade was scheduled to come marching through. I found myself outside of the railing in a most conspicuous spot as news cameras were poised to get footage of the event.

"Yikes!" I said out loud to no one in particular as I struggled to get myself back inside the safety of the iron bars. 

It wasn't so much my fear of heights that made me retreat from my perch, but the fear of being caught on camera and becoming part of the news story of the day. I wasn't sure how they would spin it, but it would probably not be favorable either way:

"Protester or supporter? Man falls from bridge on Gay Day" or "We've done a little digging, and here's what we've uncovered on dead Pride Day Bridge Guy." 

I don't know what I was doing on the bridge, but I wasn't aware there was a march scheduled, so I really wasn't there to protest or support anything. I was just being dumb and clowning around. On a bridge. On Gay Day.

After returning to the safety of the group, I went with them back to work, got into my old black '79  Datsun pickup and headed up Hwy 99. I was between Yuba City and Live Oak, doing about 60, when I got the urge to put the seat back a little. I pulled the lever and suddenly found myself lying flat on my back, staring straight up at the sky. Remarkably, I was still going straight while maintaining my speed and staying in my lane.

I pulled myself back into an upright position and kept driving. Still not satisfied with the seat position, I tried this maneuver several more times with similar results before I finally gave up the notion. I stopped in Live Oak, pulling into a random driveway, where I guess I intended to relieve myself in the corner of someone's garage. Unfortunately, I'd only gotten about halfway done when I was spied by one of the members of the household. 

I zipped up and tried to conceal a wet spot on the front of my pants, hoping to get out of there before I was noticed, but it was too late.

"Is that you, Sparky?" A familiar voice came from inside the garage. It was David Chanh.

"Oh, hey, David," I replied casually. "I was just having a little car trouble, so I thought I'd stop by for a quick pit stop."

He made no mention of my urinary indiscretion, and after telling him about my harrowing experience with the seat, we proceeded to look over my truck to see if we could determine the cause of the malfunction. 

That's about all I've got. Sorry to abandon the story just when it wasn't going anywhere, but I do have to get up and pee, so that's that.