Uninvited

 

 

I dreamed last night, but I didn't remember it until later in the day, so details are sparse. 

I was at a large event put on by Yuba City Honda, some kind of annual party for all the employees, where food and drinks were served and there was dancing, and a general good time was being had by all. Although I was no longer employed there, I had been getting invited every year, so I kept up the tradition of making an appearance.

This time, however, was different. People looked at me as if I were a stranger or a vagabond just looking for a handout. I felt an unwelcoming vibe as I walked around from table to table picking up hors d' oeuvres.

"I didn't think they wanted him back," I overheard one woman say as I skewered a pickle and put it on my plate.

"It's just a one time thing," another lady replied. "Joellen will see to it that he doesn't come back next year."

I felt crushed, since all of my interactions with the boss lady had been positive, and this chilly reception, coming out of the blue, caught me completely off guard. I found Joellen out on the dance floor, and I sidled up to her.

"Is it true that I am being uninvited?" I asked her bluntly.

"Yes, Andrew, it is true," she said.  "Your time here has passed. I hope you understand. We wish you well, but this will have to be the last time."

I felt about two inches tall, and I slunk off the dance floor with my head held low. 

----

I know there was more to the dream that I'm not remembering, but this was the basic theme. Rejection. Things ending. 

I experienced some rejection in the last week in my personal life from the girl I was having a brief moment of infatuation with. We had been friends for a while in group, and then we started meeting for lunch occasionally when I would go to Yuba City to go shopping. We seemed to be hitting it off quite nicely, and she'd even come up to my house for a visit on my birthday.

We discussed dating, and at first she said no, but she finally relented, and we had a couple of days texting back and forth, things of a somewhat emotional nature. Words were said that caused my hopes to soar, but abruptly after our first official date, she texted me and said that she didn't want to see me anymore. The friendship seems to have been rescinded as well.

As quickly as I'd gotten my hopes up, I became deflated, and sank into an abysmal depression. All the songs on my new "romantic" playlist have been ruined for me, at least for the time being. I feel mocked by the happy, hopefulness of people singing about love. 

Sure, I know that this is exactly what I deserve for just leaving Denise after a year and a half. I don't deserve a happy ending, or at least not an easy one. I'm going to have to pay back my karmic debt and suffer the same fate as I inflicted on another, so I can experience what it is like to be dumped. And Denise is still pissed and won't talk to me at all.

I never meant to hurt Denise, and I never meant to lead her on. Apparently, though, I did both. I don't know if there were ever any really good, safe moves to be made, where no one would get hurt. If I had stayed with her, I'd have been unhappy, and that would have translated into a less than adequate version of me for her. 

Getting my mind right would have been the only solution. Learning to accept things as they are and being content with what I had. Being grateful for what is instead of chasing after mirages. Those are the words of a depressed brain, telling me not to go after what I want and disguising it in the cloak of sagely wisdom. The truth is--I just don't know. 

What I do know is that I feel like a shithead. 

I replaced my kitchen faucet today. It had been leaking for about 6 months. I wanted to just replace the washer, but I wound up taking the whole unit out because I couldn't figure out how to access the nut to unscrew the tap. I wound up buying an inferior replacement without a sprayer, and now I'm having to relearn how to use a sink. 

Life just seems like a series of downgrades, of settling for "what is" and being told you have to love it. The guy who sold me the faucet, a fat New Yorker whose sales strategy is to use his vast knowledge of plumbing to humiliate every Ace Hardware customer with whom he comes into contact, actually told me, "You're gonna love that faucet." Like the George Zimmer, the Men's Warehouse spokesman, he guaranteed it. 

"Life is full of empty promises and broken dreams....

That's rock bottom, when this life makes you mad enough to kill
That's rock bottom, when you want somethin' bad enough to steal
That's rock bottom, when you feel like you've had it up to here
'Cause you mad enough to scream, but you sad enough to tear"

I don't mind quoting Eminem when I'm feeling as immature and pouty as I have been these last few days. Anger is a step up on the scale of depression, whereas enlightenment may be some bullshit level of detachment that is less than human, less than being alive. 

Love this, bitches! <middle finger extended>

**Do I really have to add the disclaimer that I'm not using the term "bitches" in its misogynistic sense, but in the universal? I feel like I have to, although I also feel that it shouldn't be necessary. Do you even know me at all?