5-19-90 Phantom Dog Leap (The night I decided to crash Andrea Enthal's studio at KPFK)

5/19/90

Heh, heh... I guess ol' Hoody was pretty buzzed when that one came around. Yep, as near as I can see, which is pretty darn near, let me tell you. Yeah, an ol' Hoody's pretty buzzed right now, so take a phantom dog leap into the wild night air. Once it becomes night, that is. Drinkin' a San Miguel. Smellin' clean, cause I just took a shower. It is going to take a phantom dog leap tonight, as a matter of fact. No one needs a phantom dog leap more than I do. Goes without saying. Come on... Yeah.... go on, now... aw haw... do it...

if i don't slip in the shower pretty soon, i guess i'll die.

5/19/90

HON -- ling long, a long a lingy ling...

DON -- long ling, a ling a lingy lang...

HELLO -- hello. Hello, again low again, lee again...

SH---boom, SH-boom (life could be a dream,)

La,da-da-da-da, da da da, da-da-da...boom, SH--boom

(if I could take you up to paradise up above,) SH--boom

(if you would tell me I'm the only one that you love,)

Life could be a dream sweet heart!

5/23/90

hele helee heellleeee!

hele helee Ailleeee!

heellleeee! helee heellleeee!

helee heellleeee! hele heleeeee!

5/18/90

Takin' it as it comes. That describes me perfectly, right now. I am just caught up in whatever's going on and takin' what life dishes out on the side. If there are desserts and treats, that is fine. I take what I can get. But gettin' don't come cheaply any more. Just to kick back takes a lot of effort, what with all the prescription remedies sold over the counter. Ha!

 

'90s Nutjob Personal Ad Response (unsubmitted, of course)

He greeted her, arms open wide with a smile that contained a promise. He casually strolled on over to where she was standing and planted one right on the kisser. He wrote her a meaningful little note and she respected him. I hope.

Thar be no words for how bawdy it would be, a midnight journey, jess you an' me, we'll kiss beneath the old oak tree...hold that thought this is getting out of hand. Hey so like, what's up? Who are ya? And, like, whadda ya do?

Hey, "My name is Andrew. Call me what you want. I've gone by Drew, Drewski, Hoody..

O.K.. I really dig the simple things in life, the basics, I suppose, the things that it takes having a friend or companion to share it with to make it complete. I love nature, the outdoors, camping, fishing, motorcycle and bike riding, hip-hop dancing with frenzied rock badgers, opening cans of soup, playing guitar, movies, parades, social happenings, dental hygiene awareness rallies... all the same stuff you like.

And together, wow, like we could merge our individual viewpoints and mingle in a oneness of togetherness in our mutual understanding(s). Not unless you wanted to. So, what else will be required to divulge in order to meet you and begin our wonderful relationship?

I'm seventy plus years old, a gay Vietnam Vet aids victim, an alcoholic and addicted to crack. I have a criminal record and am legally insane. I like to get all those things out in the open before I get to how I look, in case you want to reject me, so I won't have to go through it twice.

I am a dwarf, three and one half feet tall. I am bald and fifty pounds overweight, oh and I have huge canker sores, more like lesions really, big festering and oozing scabs and ... the smell, well, we needn't get to talking about the hideous aroma of filth which exudes from my pores. What's there not to like?

I am also a quadriplegic and I have a catheter bag which... O.K. now I've gone off. I'm a regular guy, indescribable, 25- yrs old, 5'9", SWM, 155, Med build, bleached blond EZ rider hairdo, green eyes, I wear John Lennon glasses, have a sort of sixties outlook, like classic rock, alternative and underground, seventies and pop music, whatever. I can groove.

But, all joking aside, and everything, like do ya wanna go out? I'm too weird for you, huh? I knew I shouldn't have brought up the… well, never mind. So, why don't we give it a try, love? I'm a really nice guy who no matter what would never hurt you. I'm safe, not one of "those" guys. Well, sure I'm a gutsy outdoorsman, burly as a bear, but underneath, I'm the sensitive, gentle, caring type. So what could go wrong? Please contact me.

Love, Andrew. Bye!

ANDREW PAUL GOLDING

9817 Imperial. Hwy # 27, Downey, Ca 90242

213 803 6961 (anytime--serious or silly)

Biker Personal (1990-ish)

Hello, my name is Hoody and I like Harleys. 

Big, cop-bike Harleys, choppers, hogs -- the whole lot of 'em. I love 'em all. I am currently planning an invasion of the 48 Continental United States with my buddy and roommate, Brian. We plan to save up enough money to purchase said motorcycles from a police auction, with enough money to get to New Orleans. This we refer to as the pilgrimage. After the money runs out we plan to work our way from town to town washing dishes, digging ditches, picking corn, slopping pigs, playing guitars on street-corners and in bars. We will take in as much of the local color as possible along the way and make as many friends as we can, sowing the seeds of hemp and happiness wherever we go.

So much for the future.

Right now I am looking for a woman, or should I say "a nice girl" who will be my friend to the end and upon whom I can feast my eyes as well as my hands. When I am old(er) I plan to settle down, marry and have children, not necessarily in that order. Hell, if my damsel wants to come along, I'll strap the wench to the back and take 'er with. We won't be stayin' at no Hiltons or Holiday Inns, though, and we will be bathing nude in mountain streams (whenever possible). This whole trip will be a mile-stone in my life and could take up to a year (or more). So, sure, I'd want my woman to come with. Or else I might meet her on the road, in some "Gas Food" stop outside of bum-fuck Alabama. I just don't know. But, hey, in the mean time I am going to need as the silly old song says "Somebody to Love."  Jefferson Airplane, not Queen.

So, here I am, my name is Hoody. Did you get that? Not Andrew, as my parents named me (after a Russian film student named Andrew Yablonski). Not Drew, as my uncle Steve calls me or Andy as just about every employer and supervisory asshole figure in my life has called me—but Hoody. Don't ask why. It doesn't matter.

So, do you want to?

Let's Party!

More tasteless stoned, drunken personal ad ramblings (this is why you're single, dude)

Hey, you sweet little thing. I'm Andrew. And I like a big ass-kickin' woman. No shit. I really dig a broad with balls. And a hairy ass. Yeah, right. Sow-ree. I hope youz ain't disgusted by now. 

Ow righty, hey, lemme ask you a quessshun. What's yer name? I think you are- so beautiful. Look, no! Look me in the eyes! Yes, yess, yes. 

The police found a marijuana garden in the Malibu Hills. It took them two days to find it. No one was arrested, but they said it had an elaborate system of irrigation. What do the police plan to do with all that marijuana? Burn it.
 
"Downwind, we hope," said Jerry Dunphy. 

Yeah, right. I hope I made my point. So what sort of irrigation system do you have?
 
I am Andrew. I said it before. I am a man. I reside in Downey. I stand approximately five foot nine inches tall. I weigh in at a sturdy one hundred and fifty seven pounds, subject to change with lifestyle. But I love to eat like a pig. So who don't? 

I also like to drink like a fish. I have blond hair and sparkling green eyes. Except when they're glassy, or red, or closed, yah, yah, yah. I sport the Easy Rider, neo-biker sixties look, with a California transient musician twist. Yah, yah, yah. 

So what have I left out? I am not a bum. I will treat you right. I will be as Frank as Anne. Or a Hoffy Hot Dog. They both plump when you cook them. 

Hey?! Who's writing this monologue? You're killin' me. Ok, sorry bout that. The script was taken over by the Gremlins. 

So, back to my ass-kickin' woman. She's gotta be tough. When we go out and get into fights with strangers in bars, I'd like a woman who can hold her own. Maybe help me out.
 
Yah. So I like romantic things like nature and moonlight. Or rocks. I go crazy over rocks. Oh, man. And slightly desert canyon passes that go through to small one-diner-towns called Bodfish, population who knows what (those horny country shits).

I love motorcycle ridin' and makin' out under a shady tree, on the top of a hill, with a view of Ernest Borgnine's backyard. We could run down into his meadow and go for cow rides. I know it is not as romantic as horse riding, however, Ernest only has cows.
 
Oh, we could go chicken or pig riding if you like, but I don't see the point. They usually die after you crush them to death. Ok, so that's cruel. We all make mistakes. 

Hey, babe, I love you. You're the greatest.
 
 

Another lame personal ad response (1990)

Huh... Well, less see...Hi! Whoa!! You sexy thing!

Come to find out, I can't even describe myself at all. At all. Does that make me indescribable? In so many words, yes.

So who am I tryin' to fool. I am 70+ years old, I have herpes 10 and have tested HIV positive. So, who's judging?

No, come to think of it I am 25 years old and financially secure (not no big fancy yuppie CEO bank account come lately). I do the 40 hr. week rat trap but for the time being my income is more than adequate and my needs are all met. So what?

So, I am not a bum. Nor am I a junkie. Nor a cigarette smoker. Distaste. I do smoke a pipe, but only with mari-juana in it, and usually with friends.

I don't drink at all. I should, I am getting pretty dehydrated, some leaves are curling up. No that's not true, that would make me a plant. Ok, so I drink a little. Maybe on the weekends, if I am going out with friends. Or after a particularly long day, or with dinner.

Ok, so I drink like a fish. No, I really don't care for the stuff that much, and I could live entirely without it if the right woman were to come along, to make me forget about life's hardships.

What do I like to do? OK, but not necessarily in order of preference: play guitar, sing, converse, make love, ride motorcycles, ride bicycles, write, draw or create artistically, um...dine exotically, cook exotically, visit exotic places, meet exotic people, movies, live music, read, fish.

Ah, whudda you like to do? Art galleries, museums and observatories--yes, but they are dreadful alone. You would have to be my companion or these things will be empty. Mere observances. Things done to while away the midnight hours, all alone.

Like, what am I looking for in a woman? Hell, you tell me and we'll both know. The ideal woman does not exist because perfect people do not exist. But the right woman must have more than her share of good qualities. Qualities mainly of the soul. Kindness, compassion, caring, honesty, intelligence, warmth...just the kinds of things that everybody likes in others.

But if you'd like to know blond or red-head, slender or full-figured, tall or petite--hey, come on over and we'll see. You must be loveable. That is all that matters. To me.

So, I'll get all the Fat Circus freak women and all the abnormally shaped head women, and the ones with club feet and crossed eyes. No. I's sorry. Do I sound malevolent? I's jess foolin'.

Do I sound like a bullshitter? I am not. I don't even like to exaggerate, so I may seem pessimistic. I am not. I am an optimistic realist who acts like a sarcastic pessimist, but I am never cynical. Things really do matter.

So call me. Or write. I can hardly wait.

Love, Andrew

Answering Machine Message (Downey 1990)

Hi, this is Andrew

I’m not at home –or maybe I went fishing

However, leave a message and all that stuff.

If you’re calling about the ad in the Recycler—you have reached the right place.

Um, influences? Hard to say.

Flipper, Hendrix, Sex Pistols, Old Skull, Old TSOL and other hardcore

The music I’m interested in could be anywhere from noise to classical. Well, if I ever get it together. Tell me what you’re interested in and maybe we can jam.

(Take Two)

Hi there, this is Andrew

Too busy to come to the phone, or maybe I went fishing

If you’re calling about the ad in the Recycler, you have reached the Dorkazoid Guitarist.

If you are interested in an eclectic blend of trash, including noise, punk, garage rock, underground rock, metal, hardcore, psychedelic, alternative, progressive, fusion—I don’t know what all this means I’m just making it up. Just be funky and creative and who knows.

Flipper, Hendrix, Germs, Jefferson Airplane, Old Skull, Old TSOL, Clawhammer, Sacred Denial

Trying to write porn while high (Downey, CA 1990)

We fought like pigs in an uproar all day long until it was night. Then we fucked like dogs on a summer night. I wanted to stick a carrot up her butt so bad it made me whimper. I did not come. She had a face that'd make a Ford pickup look like first place in a basket weaving contest. Oh, the shame of it all. To me she was nothing. I could have stuck my dick inside a tube dowel.

Parts is parts.

She flung open her dress to reveal a wooden leg. She was in a piss-poor mood to boot. I could have killed her, but instead I kissed her--with force. I then opened the palm of her hand and gazed into a nebula which revealed another world. One in which humans can see 333 percent better and perceive kHz -.110 to 50,000 just like dogs. Special glands enable us to float above the ground, with only minimal concern.

So once again, I wade and wander to the store, amid stacks of newspapers, and Campbell Soup cans.

ID 01P TITLE web feet SIZE  975

Caress

Yen

MATE

GROAN

LONG

LUST

On the subject of Paul, Timmy and buggars

Timmy never learned. Whatever the case or instance of his ignorance anyone chooses to discuss, Timmy is always going to come out smelling like a transmission. I used to hear it said that Timmy smelled like lots of pork after it's been killed in the sun. And Paul, his brother, known also as “the whale," smelled like some underwear that's been lying in a corner. There is more to it all than that but you must remember that water flows quickly, oil and honey more slowly and shit more slowly than the two of them.

Buggars are the eighth wonder of the world. The first seven pale beside the majestic green olive camouflage bits of olfactory byproducts. Once I knew a man who picked his nose in the window
of a famous restaurant in downtown Hollywood owned by an Iranian Jew named Raji. The man would always ask for this particular window to sit by and would always order coffee and say that he would be ready to order in a little while but that his stomach had to settle, oblivious to the unconcern of the waiter. Then, when the waiter had his back turned he'd pick a big green one and fling it up against the window. I must have witnessed this scene daily from the bus stop outside the window. One time I rode the bus twice in one day, and both times when the bus stopped outside that restaurant I could see the man, evilly leering at the window about to hurl his mucous missile at the glass.

More ramblings on the subject of Paul and Dorsey Fallen

 long forgotten love affairs, buggers hanging out of the na -

Jesse wore his suitcase like a diving bell; he had cut a hole in the bottom so his little head could see inside the small world of clothing and personal hygiene devices. 

Paul was a beautiful baby, very fat and hairy, but that was good, the doctors and specialists all agreed. “A wonderful mongoloid you have there, Mrs. Fallen.” Well, that was encouraging. Timmy had been such a disappointment. Betty had wanted a girl and Dorsey wanted about four or six hefty men so there would be someone sure to carry the casket at Betty's funeral. Those are important considerations for a man in the back woods of Kentucky with a four hundred pound wife.
 

Paul didn‘t know of these plans for a family pall-bearing unit, it would be many years and a whole lot of beers later before Dorsey Fallen would spill his guts to his third son, Paul one day

Then he said to him, "Oh, shut up my man of little cock."

Paul and Dorsey, new typewriter, buggars

Whenever someone asks about the use of gerbils or “the @&

wonders

Long after the first of the Snephites deserted the planet of Dostiv 13, we all had gotten used to the occasional blat of raining down buggars in ;the night.

BuggARS

Buggars in the night or "As the Twinkle toe communist cocksucker got his start.”

Paul was fat, yes, Dorsey woulsd

Paul was fat, yes, Dorsey would always say, but he was good. Best damn retarded kid a man ever had. Dorsey had quite a few things to say about Paul that weren't so kind or generous but Paul never took any of these things to heart. Paul, as myself, does not have any pubic hairs inside of his thighs; he a victim of brutal rape, myself a bizarre shaving accident. No matter, it is unimportant. First, we must ask our

This is a very nice typewriter, although it is somewhat impersonal For instance, if you'll notice, there is no period gracing the end of my last sentence. Yes, MY last sentence. Ok, so it's not the last one anymore, it's a couple back. But on a clear day, when there are no cops or ambulances or people dying in the room next door, you can really get a sense of peace. Not lasting or anything, but you'll never notice if you don't think about it.