Andrew Letter 47 - Another day, another love, and I discontinue Zoloft

 

8-1-92

 

Dear Mom,

 

Well, here it is, and it would be day 8 of z-treatment, however, I was forced to discontinue due to a bad reaction.

I believe the drug was beginning to make me more unstable than I would normally even be. I would be ecstatic, unstoppable one day, and the next I would be angry, frustrated, experience fear and "antsyness." Then, depending on what thoughts would come flying into my mind, I would either feel like crying for 3 hours or curling up in a ball on the floor to avoid acting on ideations of self-mutilation.

It sped me up way too much. I had a near episode at work when a client became abusive. It was all I could do to control my breathing and stand there and not kill him. Someone would say something, and I would find myself applying all the cognitive therapy techniques in reverse. So, in a nutshell, I was freaking out. I also was not eating or sleeping satisfactorily.

I believe that the answer to my problems lies in applying the techniques in the book, not in chemical enhancement. It is just not for everyone, I guess.

On the upside, the other day, right after the day I cried and curled up, I met another girl. It came about through natural circumstances (not the personals). I was reading by the pool and went in the rec room to check my mail. There was a girl in there racking up the pool balls, and she said "hi" to me. Pretty soon, we were playing pool, then making plans for later on. We took a ride downtown to the concert in the park and then walked around town.

It was incredible. The conversation never lagged. There was no uncomfortableness. I could really tell that this girl actually liked being with me. She was excited, I was excited. Like being a teenager.

Just the day before, I was on the floor waiting for girl #1 to call, and she never did. That fueled my reality distortion that I was worthless and would die alone and miserable. And as if by magic or God or Instant Karma, the next day I meet my new friend Kathleen.

Now, she is really cute! She's also 25, closer to my age. And she lives right in the apartment complex. I will refrain from saying "I think I'm in love," although you know I must be thinking it. Anyway, we have a date tonight, and I feel confident, happy and not at all awkward. I will continue this after I get back ...

Mom, I think I want to marry this girl. Although it was not exactly a "date," we rode bicycles in the park and ate at a nice restaurant afterward. There has been no physical contact, which, although it would be reassuring, is not really necessary at this stage. We are just friends. I want to be with her all the time, and I could go on and on with praises for her, but I have to go to work.

So, you see ... the lesson is ... I sure as hell don't know, but I'm just going to go with it. We are going to see each other tomorrow. She initiated it. It is so nice to feel wanted. After we become good friends, we shall have to do some camping together. And get engaged ... sigh!

Well, gotta go, I'll be riding my cloud to work tonight.

 

Love, your incredibly joyous son,

Andrew