Andrew Letter 46 -- Zoloft and Genny report July 29, 1992

 7-29-92

 

Dear Mom,

 

Hi there. It certainly was nice to get your letter, and to talk to you the other day. I really was feeling blue, and your letter really made me feel loved. I appreciate the care package; Zoloft, Stephen King and Feeling Good. I've gotten into the first couple of chapters, and it really makes sense (the therapy, that is). It is practical, not a bunch of that namby-pamby psycho mumbo-jumbo that I eschew. I look forward to using it if I ever have another depressing thought.

As of right now, I have been on the Zoloft for 5 days. If I don't level out pretty soon, I may have to decrease my dose to 25 milligrams. I am just too HAPPY.

Right now, I've got reason to be, though. Last night, I went on my first date in over a year. I met a girl (through the personal ads), and I really like her. I feel very comfortable around her, and she is a very open, warm, caring person. I AM IN LOVE. Well, we'll see. I have been lonely for so long, I'd probably give my heart to a shopping cart lady. I had even considered dating the clients where I work. Reason prevailed, however.

So, I've only met this girl less than 24 hours ago. We spent 2 or 3 of them on the phone, and 7 or 8 of them walking, talking and eating together. She is a very intelligent girl, especially considering she is only 20. And cute. She looks like Jodie Foster and Tatum O'Neil. And she likes me! I have to resist saying it is too good to be true because I don't want to make a self-fulfilling prophecy come to pass.

I am wondering, though, with this medication, if I would be capable of feeling sad if she were to chop off my hand with a meat cleaver. I'd probably just say something like "Oh, hey! That wasn't necessary, but no problem, I'll fix it. Let's see ... "

I have told key people at work to monitor my behavior, although telling my friend Brian was not a good idea. He tried to get my goat by commenting that I was "one speed, a hundred miles an hour, and maybe I should consider Quaalude to go with it." He just wasn't catching any fish.

My other friend. Mona just called. She's the one I have been confiding in at work. I had told her I had a date planned and she just wanted to check up on me. She is the Med Tech at the Manor, so she is keeping tabs on me, and plus, she is just a really nice person who cares.

I am just as happy as a clam. The little things that would irritate me, like traffic, or turning off a light or forgetting something and having to go back and get it, do not even raise my blood pressure. I may even become a productive member of society. It's scary.

One thing that concerns me is that I am already very skinny. I must weigh about 135. Down from 160. Now I realize that 135 was my drivers license weight in ‘84, and that I did have a beer belly that I was trying to lose from last winter. But the belly is long gone and this Zoloft kind of suppresses my appetite. And I am more active and burning more calories than ever. I am afraid I will burn up like a stick of incense and vanish into thin air.

But if I do, at least I'll be Feeling Good. I can only hope that I'll get as much accomplished as possible in straightening out my life before I have to go off of the drug. 

I feel like Charley or Algernon. Or like I woke up inside someone else's body. Someone who is happy, well-adjusted, smiles a lot, giggles occasionally and is completely unacquainted with malaise and melancholia. I can stop and be pensive and not fidget in my chair, but it seems that my mind is always going, thinking happy thoughts until the moment I conk out. I am just so motivated that I am worried that I may have to take a class or two just to have an outlet for this energy.

Now is the time for me to decide, as they currently registering. My life is uncomplicated right now, though, and I like it that way. I have time for people and recreation and do not like to crowd my schedule up. Now, this sounds more like the Andrew I know. Fun, fun, fun. No work, all play.

But I really think I should pursue writing as a goal. It just makes sense. If I get depressed due to genetic causes and am losing my hair from the same genes, should I not make use of the Writing gene in my makeup? I am not worried about it though, I expect it will be an inevitability. I just have to live a bit and experience life and keep gathering memories, so I'll have plenty to write about.

If I can overcome my fear of making changes, meeting people and doing new things, I will be content. Well, anyway, my little black flight recorder is going all the time, so eventually, I'll have to get it all out on paper.

I'll have to go now, it's getting late and I expect a call from Jennifer.

 

 

Love Ya--Andrew

 

 

P.S.  My posture is improving. I have stopped “slouching.” Oh, and I can play guitar just like Jimi Hendrix. Eh, not quite! Bye!

 

P.S.S. Disregard these statements. I was on drugs. Should I send the Zoloft back with Steve or mail it in a package? Depends on if you trust him with all that medication. Kidding, kidding, gosh...