Friday, July 3 1992, the morning I had an epiphany (or maybe I was just super high)

Dear Day,

You suck. And now there's too much light. And I can't stand anything right now. Ok, so I've got a few problems, so put me away. At least then I won't have to be responsible anymore.

Enough. Self-indulgent childish rubbish! So, what deep things have you discovered, my blue eyed son?

All right, I’ve been keeping it a secret. I have some real inside shit on the, um, running of the Universe. Yeah. It's definitely not your average 3 foot, wading-only, no diving thought. After all this buildup it has to fail miserably. Yeah. But I found out, just before I sat down, no, after. And then I smoked some pot.

With a vengeance! I was wiping away hostilities from 1992, some painful thoughts from today, Friday, July 3, AM. They were bad thoughts, they needed killin'. So I lost some math skills in the process. So, indeed! I really wasn't goin' to use them anyway.

So I killed these bad thoughts and in the process there was this leftover space in my head. Four centimeters, I think. Anyway, it wasn't being used, it was just sitting vacant, ready for a blinding revelation of wisdom (which I do get by the way, believe it or don't). It is at times like these when they come. You know, when your brain is between channels and you just let the static play at full volume.

Suddenly, a voice (James Earl Jones, to be precise) says unto me: "Hey, you. On the couch. Drop that pipe and get thee to a typewriter for I have words to speak unto thee!"

Before I could even get up he just started talking, like I'm supposed to be getting it all down. Yeah, right. This supernatural voice doesn't know me very well.

Ok, so one thing stuck in my mind as being important. I forget what it was, but it's the reason I'm sitting in front of the typewriter. Oh, yeah.This voice, God, or Satan or some radar-connected intergalactic being revealed to me THE REASON WHY THINGS HAPPEN.

I don't believe you've caught the super relevance and interconnected significance of this magnitudinous statement. Hmmn. Maybe I won't tell you what it is. You don't seem impressed enough. Well, ok, since you beg.

It's all very simple really. The reason why things happen is so that later, when there is a dull moment, say throughout an eternity, you'll have something to have a good laugh about.

You’re sitting there, in heaven, in the front office, you know just chit chatting with the Staff. It's shift change or something. A couple thousand years go by between each breath. The conversation got old, oh, a few millennium ago.

Then someone cracks a joke, “Hey, what about that time you went fishin' and the mosquitoes almost ate you alive.”

“Yeah. And the next day, when I opened up the camper and…”

“Yeah, yeah. You've told it 14.82 million times! They followed you into the house. Like the terminator. And got you. It's funny. Ho. Hum.”