**TRIGGER WARNING**One of the most hateful, vile things I have ever committed to paper: why would I post it then? **EXPLICIT**

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Preliminary note from 2021

 

What follows is a glimpse inside a very sick mind. I, Andrew Golding (or the person residing in the body belonging to him at the time) did sink to some pretty hateful levels, cognitively. I never acted on these thoughts, nor did I ever send this letter. I doubt that I ever intended to send it. It sat for decades with all of my other unsent correspondence, drafts and journals. I am including it, not because I am proud of it, but precisely because I am not proud of it, and so I feel obligated to own up to it. 

 

I eschew the re-writing or redacting of history (usually done to cleanse the narrative of the sordid details of misdeeds by the author). I recoil when I read this now. I was truly lost. I am glad to say that I didn't remain in that frame of mind for long. However, I did think those thoughts, apparently, and I did write them down. 

 

So, as ugly as it makes me look, here it is: uncensored, unedited and unmodified from its original format. I purposely left all grammar and syntax errors in place. There is simply no making this look good, so why even try?

 

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                                                                                                                    2/18/93

OK, Goddammit! (like my tone so far?) Get the fuck out of my (for lack of a better word) life! Bitch! How's that? But before you do, here's a little of the poison which has been brewing in my evil black cauldron of hate -- a poison I credit you with supplying key ingredients to. God how I hate you. Learn your fucking lesson, naive one: NEVER NEVER cuddle with a psychopath. Never involve yourself in the affairs of a maniac. You are already lucky that among other potential serial killers I am but a wannabe. But if I could ever kill another human being in a fit of unjustifiable passion it would be you. Go on with your stupid game playing indecisive life and to hell with you. Fuck Matt, Fuck David, Fuck Robert, FUCK OFF. Move back to Michigan, change your name. Just leave me to live out my lonely sentence in my own miserable solitude! Bitch! I don't need your goddamn pity or your monthly sympathy calls. Fuck you and your goddamn gender. You all are sows. Bitches. Cunts. Hell with you all. Remember laughter? Remember reasonableness? Intelligent conversation? Not me. Fuck everything and especially fuck you. Do you have to torment me by existing? Why do I have the misfortune to be plagued by thoughts of you daily? What good does it do me to be reminded of what I loser I am? Of what I will never attain? Fuck all your positive thinking crap. I worship Satan. He suits my needs. I am going to hell after a nice 27 years of mental purgatory. I would have done anything for you once. If there is love then I loved you. I can't love anymore. Why the fuck should I? I wish I never would have met you. Or that I could cause you the kind of inner grief you cause me to this day. Satan, give me the strength to never forget what fucking pain women cause. Don't ever EVER call me again, if you know what's good for you, and learn your lesson, bitch. I am your monstrous creation and I resent my existence. I am mad. I could kill you. You are fortunate that I am a procrastinator. I just never get around to some of the things on my list.

        Check TIRE PRESSURE

        BUY EGGS

        DO TAXES

        KILL GENNY

Thank you for making me aware of my true calling in life: To alienate as many people as possible. I've said all I care to. For now. I suggest you move. Then I won't be tempted to kill you while you sleep, perhaps cuddling with some other bozo. Anyway, FUCK OFF once again. See you in hell. Bye. Bitch!

        Andrew