The Reply (I respond to Sharon's Makeup Letter -- the longwinded version)

 

Sharon, I got your letter. I don't know what to say. My head is still swimming. I'm not actually sure that it is actually real, or maybe I'm dreaming. Part of me wants to jump for joy and believe everything I am reading, ask no questions and take you back before you can change your mind.

Then part of me says ,"Whoa, whoa what's going on? Are you maybe just going through a phase, and getting sentimental? If we did get together, how would it be? What would be different? Could things be the same? Would I want things to be the same? Could things be better? Would you be happier? Would I be happier? What about the future? What about the past? Could we truly put it behind us?"

All these questions. It makes me glad to hear you express such strong feelings for me. I thought I was the only one whose emotions were so strong. I have never had anyone ever want me back before; I've always been the one left sitting in the dust.

There is not a day that goes by that i don't think about you. Usually, I try to block it out before the sadness comes. Sometimes I've let myself remember the good times, and usually that just results in my getting misty and crying my head off. I try not to let that happen too much.

I tell myself that I must be strong and try to focus on stuff that I have some control over, like school, or housework--anything. It hasn't been easy; you made a very deep impression on my heart. I've been keeping myself occupied, but I wouldn't say that I've been happy. I was never happier than when I was with you, when things were at their best, or at least I thought they were.

I've tried putting personal ads on the Internet but with no success. I wouldn't be able to replace you, even if someone did actually answer my ad, and things actually made it as far as meeting someone, etc. I knew once I lost you that basically, I would be alone.

I haven't fallen into my previous habits, become a druggie or a drunk. I have you to thank for that and am glad. I know that no matter what I do, I could never get you out of my heart. I know they say that time can heal anything, but in a million years it will never let you forget.

I know it isn't possible to go back in time, but if I could, I would go back to when I thought things were good between us. Even the bad times really weren't so bad, because the love that we had.

When you first wanted to leave me, I couldn't believe it or understand it. I didn't want to accept that maybe I wasn't good enough or couldn't make you happy in life. I know that a person can have problems inside, and it affects how they see things, how they treat people and everything. 

I thought if I just did this or that or changed things about myself, that I could make a difference. I know now that no matter what I did, it didn't matter, you had to discover your own true feelings for yourself.

You have had some time to yourself and to see what your life would be like without me in it. What has happened that made you think more highly of me now than one month ago? I was under the impression that you were happy to be free -- free of me, free to be whoever you wanted to be.

What has changed? What disappointments have brought you to this point? You're letter sounds so emotional; it reminds me of someone I know very well: me. I just didn't think it was possible that you would feel this way. I haven't changed, you are just looking at me differently now that we are apart. But is getting back together truly what you want?

I never questioned my love for you, I just realized that I was fighting a losing battle and that I needed to let you go. It broke my heart that you wouldn't make up with me on Christmas Day when I brought the flowers. But I couldn’t compete with your fantasies. Poor, humble me, with my pathetic flowers and my hopes all crushed, trying to be macho.

I guess I just figured you wanted something or someone else, taller, big truck, rancher--someone other than me. What makes me so attractive all of a sudden?

I know that loneliness can make you wish for someone to be with. Sadly, many are in abusive  unhappy relationships just because they don't want to be alone. I wouldn't want to take advantage of you in a moment of loneliness or weakness to try to get you back into a relationship.

I think that was the whole problem (at least for you) to start with. You questioned my motives in getting involved with you, saying that I was just desperate or that I didn't love you for who you were.

I never saw it that way. I was just happy that you were with me. I never thought that I might be taking advantage of you. I thought you wanted to be with me because you liked me, because we got along so well and because we seemed to be so happy together.

I just wouldn't want for you to want to get together with me for the wrong reasons. If it is just loneliness, it will pass. I can't say that I've won the battle. I still get all sad whenever something reminds me of you (which is all the time).

I've have had to accept the possibility that we'd never be together. All those memories make it so very hard to accept, because I was truly happy. But were you? Truly? Am I truly the kind of man you'd be happiest with? Or would you always be thinking that someone better, richer or taller is out there?

I could not take another hurt of the kind I had when I found you doing the things that led to our breaking up. And I wouldn't want you to be in a relationship with me just because you think you "couldn't get anyone better." I just want so much for our love to be true. I couldn't stand for another heartbreak to happen.

We both need to take a close look at who we are, how we feel and how we really fit into each other's lives. If it turns out that we can really be together, then we need to be honest about what we want from the relationship. We have to start all over again, and be open and up front right from the start.

 We need to not be afraid to love each other and be kind to one another.

 Oh, Honey

 Can we?