More Endings

Thna Mbig GuhBang Theory

Yeah, this one got me today. I let it, because it’s better to let feelings express what they want to express rather than stifle or reason with them.

“What show do you want to watch tonight,” I would ask her to pick from any number of downloaded tv programs.

“Thna Mbig GuhBang Theory,” she’d say in her uniquely mangled speech, “and Young Sheldon.”

The Big Bang Theory is in it’s final season now. Just like everything else in the world, if you care about it or if you don’t, it will end sooner or later. I’m not crying about the tv show, but about the person who I love, who slipped away this year. And every little thing that she would have liked or did like or would have said or did say. All those things are in my head every day. And they make me cry.

Estate Horse Tack Sale, Deconstructing a Dream

I’m selling her horse tack. All the items were purchased by her at some point. She had a reason, a plan and dreams of using them. Big plans, it seems, for there is a lot of stuff. The website to sell it all was created by her. It was one of her bigger endeavors, being bedridden as she was and relying on me to take pictures. So much life was still in her declining body. She was forced to assist in the deconstructing of her dreams.

I hated that the tack took up a whole room for 10 years. I still am not fond of it. But each item that goes is like cutting a piece off of her dead dream and throwing it in the trash. I know the past is gone, but all the items keep reminding me of a life that was so much larger than what it finally became.

Soon my life will end, and the evidence of my existence will be a collection of things, random words written down and a hollowed out space where a person once resided. Whoever deconstructs my dreams will find that a lot of potential went untapped, only to evaporate. In whatever afterlife judgment that occurs, I will be charged with making poor use of abundant resources, among my many other sins.