I began to think about the nature of my depression. I don't think it has anything to do with a lack of self-esteem. I think, quite the opposite, it stems from too high of an estimation of my own entitlements. I get disappointed by things which don't measure up to my expectations. Then I withdraw, take my marbles and go home kinda thing. Instead of seeing myself as worthless, I see myself as worthy of all lavishness and luxury, and when I don't get it, I pout. That pouting takes the form of sulking and isolation, which is then fed by thoughts which tend to justify this position. The effect of this isolation is that I become the kind of person who I don't like or admire, and then the feelings of worthlessness come in, pretty much justified by fact.
Tuesday, July 31, 2018
NPD and depression
Hi, I'm Andrew, AKA Hoodyup the Evil Caregiver, and I approved this blog post. I may not have been in my right mind at the time, but what's done is done. I stand by my sins. Eppur si muove.
I started this blog as a way to vent my frustrations with life, the universe and everything (not the book by Douglas Adams; that was quite good, actually).
My seemingly charmed life took a turn in 2004 when my wife Sharon was diagnosed with MS. This blog documents the fallout and revisits the past, as well as chronicling my dreams and rants throughout the years.
Be warned - explicit language and content that runs the gamut can be found in these posts, which describe personal events, both real and those dreamed up by my overactive nocturnal psyche.
Also, I use real names whenever possible, so if you see a post with your name on it, it probably refers to you. Unless, of course, you don't know me, in which case it is purely coincidental.
Enjoy your visit. Comment, if you so desire, or lurk privately. This blog can be your guilty pleasure (or displeasure).
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I've changed my comments settings to allow for anyone to comment. All comments are welcome, even spineless potshots from anonymous posters. Please, by all means, give me the tongue lashing I so richly deserve. I promise not to hunt you down and melt your keyboard with my plasma cannon. I won't, however, promise not to pout and make that face you can't stand.