But I can, apparently, dig a hole

 

My dog Shadow's health has been declining over the last year. Being an outdoor dog that sleeps in the dirt probably hasn't helped increase his longevity. But the last few weeks he's been rapidly getting worse. He stopped eating 2 days ago and now he can barely walk. He has lost a lot of hair and muscle. He looks like he is suffering tremendously as he struggles to even get up.

I spent the afternoon digging a hole in hard clay dirt. I know the drill. It always seems that I am digging a grave for a pet when it is cold and raining out. I have to call the vet out tomorrow, I don't think I can stand to see him go down any more slowly and tortuously. This is...

(continued the next day)

too much for me to bear. I had to spend all morning trying to get a local vet to come out here. It's going to be 4:30 before he gets here. I kept checking on him all night. Last night he had managed to crawl up to the front porch where he collapsed and couldn't get back up. I tried to feed him wet food but he didn't even sniff it. He did drink some water but threw it up.

I put a blanket on him and he stayed there until this morning. He was still alive, but now I see pus coming out of his eyes and nostrils. As I was booking the appointment for his vet visit, he managed to crawl off of the porch and make it halfway across the yard, where he collapsed again. I wiped the pus off of his eyes, but the light in them is very dim. I can't stand to see him like this.

Damn me and my lousy dog ownership character. I never took him to the vet for one reason or another until it was too late. Kind of the same view I have of my own health issues, which I'm sure that karma will see to that I'm rewarded for. I just don't want to talk to anyone or see anyone or deal with anything. Ever. I'm not feeling human enough to deserve the attention.