Can't sleep, no one to talk to

 

It's such a delicate place I'm in. I feel like there is no one I can really express everything to anymore without fear of damaging the relationship I have with them. I am all alone with my godawful fucking thoughts, and giving voice to them only seems like it will be counterproductive. But they are literally eating me from the inside. 

My therapist has given her 2 weeks notice. It's ok, I was about to tell her that things weren't really working for me anyway. But I am loathe to start over with another. I can't go through retelling my story to yet another disinterested mental health professional. All the crap I went and told my shrink is now for nothing. It was never much more than having a friend to talk to every week. But now it's like my friend has moved away, leaving no forwarding address.

With Lesa, I feel like I'm treading a difficult path. I've finagled my way into a place with her where she's said lots of nice things to me. Things I am supposed to trust in and keep in my heart, though she is far away, and the promises they contain seem improbable. So if I don't hear from her, I can't express doubt or insecurity or negativity because it will ruin her perception of me, and I will lose the ground I think I've gained with her. It is the hardest thing because

if we are in a relationship, however complicated and long distance, I can't express myself to her without fear of losing her altogether. So I've written no less than 8 letters to her in the past couple of weeks, which I have judiciously decided not to send.

She's been sick and has things to deal with. But I've stopped getting my daily updates and nighttime sweet talk. And it's not for lack of her being on the internet. God damn Facebook messenger and the stupid active status reporter. I am obsessing about that, and I hate it that I can't just leave it be. Let her tell me her story and accept it. 

But I get the feeling she has other people and things that she's finding more interesting than me. We had a cozy little relationship where we would tuck each other in every night and exchange pleasant thoughts. This kind of became one sided, with me being the sad, pathetic last man standing.

So I'm still standing here, waiting for her to message me and not getting responses. Meanwhile her ex-boyfriend Danny is expressing all kinds of loving things on Facebook, to which she responds immediately. Sick or not. Fuck me. Now, look who I am. Jealous, insecure, wishing I could be the guy she cares about the most. But I'm just one of many, and not even in the rotation at the moment.