Recyclable garbage

I dreamed, (or perhaps I was musing while asleep, I don't know) that I was contemplating writing Lesa one last time. I wanted to send her a survey, a kind of "what went wrong, and what can I do to improve for future relationships" type of questionnaire. 

I was also considering inviting her to a post-relationship intervention, in which I was to assemble a group of all my previous girlfriends together in one place. The purpose of this intervention would be to prevent any future missteps and determine my overall suitability for any type of relationship. Paul Simon's "Kodachrome" would be playing in the background while the girls from my past took turns bashing on me mercilessly. 

And that certainly wouldn't match my sweet imagination, by any stretch. Rienna's name came up and also some non-starters like Genny, Mona and even Sabin, perhaps, though I may be just filling in names at this point. I would hate to actually hear the feedback on some of those, as it is the stuff of cringeworthy comedy.

"It was all going so well until I grabbed his dick and told him I'd love to make love to him. Then he got all weird and started talking about friendships vs. relationships. Really killed the moment." -- Genny

or

"It was all going so well until my parents showed him the blue swirly drinking glass and told him he couldn't drink from it. Why he chose to climb up on my roof at that point and take a poop, I'll never know." -- Sabin, age 7

"When we were making out on his futon, out of the blue, he just blurts out, 'I'm not any good in bed.' It almost stopped me cold, but I was determined to get some that night, so I told him, 'Let me be the judge of that.' " -- Sharon

That last one was Sharon, on the night I first invited her over to my house. I'm not going to say that what happened after that proved me wrong or right, only that it was a testament to her determination. She was determined not to let a good piece of meat go to waste, even if it has been in the freezer too long and had ice crystals on it. It just needs a little seasoning and tenderizing. Then down it goes. Like the shark in Jaws, "Swalla ya whole."

I'm just making shit up at this point, adding filler, but these were the sense of what was going on in my dream. Saturday morning has arrived. I can look forward to my one day of recreational coffee and cannabis and musical mayhem as I stretch my breakfast into a two hour affair.

In other news, I ordered an Iphone, with the help of my friend Martin. Apple genius and fellow cult survivor, he is functionally my best friend in life right now. He is also moving to Austin, so his yearly visits may turn into once or twice a decade if I don't do my part in keeping the friendship going. 

Not that getting a smartphone has anything to do with that. I just finally let the peer envy make me cave and abandon all my righteous anti-phone zombie principles. I just wanna be like all the happy, cool people with friends and lives that are always at their fingertips, inside that little soul sucking abyss of a screen into which they stare unceasingly. 

Oh, God, what have I done?