Motorcycle stowaway pee dream

Never mind, I don't even understand these dreams...so unrelatable, nonsensical and nonsequiter. I'll try, however. 

 

At some point in a dream I was having, I stowed aboard a motorcycle. There were already a couple of people riding double, triple, I don't know, but there I was hugging the seat and holding on for dear life as this team of cross-country folk were making their trek. There was a pillow, much like the one I was hugging in my sleep, in between me and the seat, making it more of a slippery, slidey affair. 

 

It got worse the faster they went, and at one point we caught some air and I was up in telephone line territory. I noticed some gloves, hanging ghost-like from the wires, the last remains of others who had similarly gotten tossed and clung to the wires, for who knows how long, before falling and leaving the gloves behind as a spooky memorial. I glued myself to the seat. I wasn't gonna get stuck in that predicament.

So, I wound back up in a rural version of a Venice beach, Spanish style neighborhood. There were apartments and courtyards and communal living areas with swimming pools, but it was all overgrown with pasture grass mixed with wildflowers and sagebrush gone to seed, and there were cows grazing in it. 

 

I remember seeing Danny, Lesa's old boyfriend, emerging naked from one apartment on the ground floor, followed by a Lenny Kravitz looking dude, also naked, whom I didn't recognize. 

 

"Fuckin' Danny," I thought, "always a step ahead of me." 

 

For some reason, his presence negated my entire cross country motorcycle excursion. I didn't see Lesa anywhere, but presumably this feeling was a remnant of my longtime jealous rivalry over her.

I was on the upstairs level and was now going to have to avoid being seen. I had to pee so I ducked into an apartment that was being renovated by the couple or group that I had stowed away with on the bike. 

 

I was aware that they would be showing up eventually, so I hurriedly found a toilet and lifted the lid. Someone had already peed on it. Great. Why was I lifting the lid, then? I'd just get blamed for the mess anyway. 

 

But before I got a chance to pee, a cow bumbled its way up the stairs like some giant, oversized dog and nosed its way into the bathroom. 

 

"Shoo! Get out you cow!" I shouted at it, frustrated at the inappropriateness of it all. That and the fact that it was interrupting my already hasty peeing. 

 

It reluctantly turned around and I slapped its butt to offer the final encouragement as it lumbered back down the stairs and into the deep forage of the courtyard grasses. 

 

"Stupid cow," I thought and finished my pee.

The couple arrived as I slid out of the apartment and back to a common area that was more of a makeshift campground. Some kind of gathering was beginning to form and I mixed in with the crowd. 

 

I remember telling one of the riders of the motorcycle, "Did I mention that I had become a Catholic priest?"  He gave me a sour look and distanced himself from me. 

 

"Well, that worked," I thought.

 

I went with the crowd toward whatever event was taking place. I had successfully stowed aboard a motorcycle, made the return voyage on foot and beat the cyclists to their own home, peeing in it and getting away with it, all before they even arrived home to catch me.

I became aware of the music that was playing in my real life sleeping situation and it called me back to reality. "Come in From the Cold," I believe it was, but since my playlist was on shuffle it changed several times before I finally awoke. 

 

Oh, and prior to me finding the apartment with the toilet, and after seeing naked Danny, I found myself on a rooftop, still needing to pee. I attempted to pee off the roof and had to stop because my stream was hitting some people in the courtyard under a small tree. One of them was Gina Doherty-Ehret, my wife's old hospice nurse and friend on Facebook. 

 

It occurred to me that I oughtn't pee on my friend, so I went in search of a more suitable arrangement, with an actual toilet. 

 

Ok, that's all I can conjure without conflating or fictionalizing it (beyond the fiction that already is the dream story).

Art tries to teach me a point or two about God

I was attending a seminar where Art Mele, my former employer was giving a lecture (about what I really don't know). I wasn't quite paying attention. So, in typical fashion, I was sure to be called upon to respond to a point he was making. It was something about God and His love, I guess, I dunno.

 

Well, I knew he was going to call on me, but I waited until he'd walked all the way through the audience, who were all seated at tables, and sat down next to me. He showed me the notes he was reading from. They were handwritten and not exactly clear. The writing was smudgy and a little incoherent. I guessed at the point, but was only partly right. He endeavored to make the point to me, but it just wasn't resonating.

Later we found ourselves at a dining spot overlooking an iconic building in Santa Monica, down near the pier. It was a two story brick building that had a candy store on one of its levels. I noticed smoke and a ladder leaned up against the building. Art wasn't paying attention. He was still going on about the point he'd been trying to make earlier. I pointed out the fire to him. 

 

"They are finally burning down that old building," I said. 

 

He seemed unconcerned. I stared at the beautiful lights of both the fire and the neon store signs and decorations. It was a perfect picture of beauty and destruction, a single moment where both could exist, before the fire took the building and its lighting with it.

Earlier, while I had been waiting for Art's lecture to begin, I was discussing the finer points of Gun 'n' Roses live performances with my dad. I guess we had both seen the seen the same concert and found them to be tolerable, which was surprising since we were both of the same opinion that they generally suck. That's about it.

Dancing with Sharon Robertson

That's about it. Sharon Robertson is my friend, Brian Murry's mom. I was over at their house and suddenly we wound up doing the 2 step or waltz around the kitchen. She was pretty spry for an older gal.

Testing the text editor again...sigh

Those of you that know me very well, hi I applaud you. All right sincerely did you petty fucking idiot pity pity pity pity shit or use a fucking word here so I can abuse this motherfucker all day nobody really cares. But my friends, who is born with me so well, I should not do that with.

Anyhow those of you who know me very well or don’t probably think me to be hey semi literate, relatively sane person, with this or that level of functioning brain capacity. Are you sure you it is not the case

hi assure you it is not the case I am not high not mine not why not fucking anything but fucking I I I I I I I.

So you’re probably wondering what the fuck, and so my so am I cocksucker bastard fucking his fucking motherfucker. I give up I’m and

 

**Editor's note: Where would I even begin? Nothing of substance here, just mad at Siri again. Move on.

The Unavoidable

I dreamed I was on my motorcycle, and I was traveling down a stretch of road where water had made an incursion onto the pavement. I felt the tires getting sloppy, and my weight shifted on the bike. Sure enough, I began to veer, unavoidably, toward the side of the road. 

 

It was a high speed, slow motion event. Like a bowling ball being magnetically drawn to the gutter, I was pulled inextricably toward the ditch, destined to make contact with a barbwire fence in 4,3,2,1...and I woke up.

Before that, I have only a vague sense of a dream in which I was a rather confused person. I had a box that I was toting around with some exotic strain of cannabis in it. I was proud of it and asked a friend to smell it. It was a deep purple color and had a chocolaty aroma. He smelled it dutifully, but wasn't overly impressed. 

 

I put the large bud back in the box and immediately noticed that I had lost most of the contents of the box while dragging it around from place to place. I walked back over my route but only found unsalvageable piles of powder mixed with dirt.

Aunt Carol cleans the bricks

The only thing that stuck with me from yesterday's dream was an image of my Aunt Carol cleaning the bricks outside my back door. They are very dirty and covered with moss and weeds in real life, but she had been out there with a bucket of bleach and had them five shades lighter and shining immaculately. 

 

I thanked her for it and she was like, "No, problem, Drew." And that was that. 

 

If you know my Aunt Carol, then you realize how monumentally incongruous such an image of her is. She has been known to just move rather than deal with cleaning up her house. She has been known, actually, to pay space rent on multiple dwellings to avoid dealing with the tasks required to actually move, such as sorting through the myriad of hoarded items and clearing them out. So to see her complete a task, getting down to the bare surface of some dirty bricks, rather than just leaving them as is, well, it was a lesson to me.

And something about a raccoon on my deck, who followed me into the yard and began playing with me like a dog.

Conversations with the text editor (cont.)

7-3-20

Do I dare to try again? How is the speech interpreter going to interpret what I say today? So far so good. Backspace backspace backspace backspace. Nope not going to do that one. End it would be nice if it would decide where the commas went. And differentiate between and and and. See what I mean? End end and. And and and. And, as in the end, and and as in you know one and one or two. Not aurar thank you. Oh my fucking God what the hell is in aurar parrot X exclamation point hair fucking lip cocksucker motherfucker.

Hey, brilliant! You heard me correctly when I said

“

I’m never going to get the words new paragraph to sit together

Nooooo!

Nooooo paragraph! Nooooo paragraph! New any W not any WN EEE hello fucking piece of shit W paragraph. Thank you end no not in N and as in the letter in.

Someone is obviously getting high at the spellcheck wheel. Interesting how you thought about that. First it was will no not WILL but WE‘ SLL. Who threw the ass in there ignorant lap dick piece of shit Tourette’s my thing now. So I see a flock of turkeys nice. Am I really going to go back later and try to re-correct all is grammatically stupid moronic shit? Not likely.

So I’m out on my walk call mom the sun is setting. Who said to call mom? What the fuck! My secretary sucks. I was trying to get to the certain point here, it is descriptor my current status, my surroundings, etc. But instead I am at war with a grammatically stupid piece of technology that goes over things and under things and misinterprets everything I say. Thanks not things moron.

So I’m supposed to be on this walk, being mindful and shit. Thinking of lovely things like sunsets and birds being my spiritual teacher and crap. That’s where I’m supposed to be at. Instead I’m looking at my shoes hoping I don’t trip. I’m talking to a spellchecker who is two… To TOOTOO not to though TOOTOO not to fucking freak!

Fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck hey!

So my spiritual observation was this: The saying “everything happens for a reason“ for “there are no coincidences“ there’s a bunch of shit. I mean, not really, things do happen for a reason. Just not the spiritually significant fairytale of a reason that most people construe them to be. So if the planter falls off of a fourth story balcony and lands on my head I can say that it happen for a reason. The reason being some jack ass put it on the ledge I accidentally knowledged it while he was out there drinking a beer they’re not paying any attention to what the fuck he was doing. Good enough! No karma, necessarily,

To be blamed. People are adapted stringing together sequences have events and attaching special meetings to suit their narrative, usually giving them a favorable place in the eyes of some creator are universal matrix or water whatever not water you piece of Kaka

Who is more stupid text editor the idiot who thinks the text editor is going to actually say the right thing at any given time?

Meanwhile, what spiritual benefit is been derived from icy from my sitting here not I see you idiot fuck but goddamn shit! What benefit at all? It’s like I had one thought and I tried to nurture it and this is what I’ve gotten– – Argument argument out of a piece of software engineer most likely by robots and for robots.

Sharon’s LED showed up again today. Just as I was about to get ready to go for my walk. Winked at me and I noticed it. Moments later I was bawling because I thought “how many moments that I have with her that I did not treasure her like I should have.“ Then I thought of other memories, or try to. Because a lot of the memories that have stuck are the shit ones. We bonded over shit we went through some shit together. I was extremely pissed at shit and colored my whole life with that color crayon. Until now, when I want to go back and look. Now I want to see the other highlights and moments that I have taken for granted. So I went for this walk and didn’t bring any headphones to distract me from hearing the sounds of nature. Nothing to isolate me into my own bubble of diluted non-awareness. Diluted not diluted. Can you even fathom what the fuck I’m saying you had it right the first time diluted. Diluted. Diluted. Wrong wrong wrong. Diluted diluted do you Loulou dad do you lewd Ed.!.!.! Fuck fuck fuck diluted diluted can you fucking learn something here? Diluted. Thank you I’m fucking thank you done UN thank you. Diluted

• Am I ever going to get you to say diluted do you lose dead DELUDETD fuck diluted. Diluted diluted like I am so deluded and all that shit because you’re not gonna keep it you’re going to change it after I’m done piece of shit fucking ass. Oh no you did keep it so I’m diluted. No I’m diluted. Yes I’m diluted no I’m diluted dilute delete delude.Because I am so deluded in my thinking, yes, thank you. Finally! Now I don’t even really think I know what I was trying to fucking say in the first place so good night! Close the fucking program.

6-20-20

Hello. I’m going to make my “we’re attitude“ known although it probably will not come out as I intended because I’m talking to this MS and speech interpreter, and do you know how that goes. So many typos I may as well turn it in to a parity no not parity para D no not paradise Parodi there are yeah go so I miss shape in tongue to friend what I’m trying to say in my roundabout way is thank you thank you very much a day without pain is like a day without rain but like you know in a place where you don’t want rain because rain sucks and you have to much of it not like right now or I really wouldn’t mind it anyways my thoughts on this matter are should I be grateful of course I’m grateful fuck yeah I don’t have nearly the gut pain today despite my having drink some coffee this morning and nibbled on mostly all the same foods all day minus the dairy and so yeah I will take it for the win 500 Alex now I’m out on my walk walking around on this earth looking at the orange burnt sienna number whatever orangutan color and I’m sitting here going yeah cool so do I think anyways? My big brother Jesus? Papa God? Schrodinger or his cat? I don’t know I don’t I don’t care. I’m going to thank them all individually and collectively I’ll take some of the credit myself for having hung around long enough on this planet for my turn at the wheel of something good might happen today. I will give myself credit for not having checked the damn wheel all the other days when life was basically a rock in my shoe do they sell only put up with for the duration. So what shall we say about this buffet table cost and Mark this universe of duality infinite possibilities? Well? I guess if one sits down at the buffet, One in which every single possibility imaginable and probably a few unimagined ones is laid out before you but the only thing you perceive is the giant bowl of steaming shit which is right in front of you. It kind of puts a damper on the rest of the buffet I’m not gonna go try to stretch this metaphor out too far because I know there’s too many variables that just won’t fit so what I will say yes holy shit hallelujah thank you Jesus! The day was very little pain OK, there was that nasty ear infection… But I got on the phone right quick and got a prescription for some antibiotics parentheses not to mention I already have the same ones in my stash and will have no problem taking them and parentheses. So got check here check pending but pretty much check since it’s looking a little better than it did this morning and what else I’ve got some friends in the world one of them someone who I care about NA platonic and secret admirer crush kind of way, That person being Diane. This person Diane is it a marriage that she would like to come visit me. Me! Within the next few weeks! So I am waking up to the fact that I need to clean the fuck out of my house. It is not girlfriend Lee at the moment. It’s barely stinky boy caveman friendly. No it’s not altogether certain she’s going to actually show up. Plenty of time left in the game for her to forfeit. But I’m going to do my best to not fuck this one up like I did with Lisa. I will inevitably say some dumb shit between now and the time she is scheduled to arrive. And once she is here, oh God

That’s when the real fun begins. How am I going to play this? Mr. cool? Mr. suave? Mr. indifferent don’t give a fuck??? Maybe I’ll just be me and see what comes out. It will be a surprise I guarantee it. Anyways do you have a chain that will have to go on to get this little note privately publicly available to nine retarded monkey type readers will be a man and so this will sit here on my phone unread for quite some time. And shit ever see the light of day, let me be the first to announce that I have a slight feeling creeping up from the inside of me which is not quite identifiable but seems to fall along the lines of “happy

.” Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha Ha exclamation motherfucking point! Yeah, baby! Return

Well that was good. I’d like to also think Sharon, my guardian angel lover friend and confidant. She has been with me this week in the form of the LED. It has been consistent and bright sometimes blinking crazily other times beaming and I have to say that that makes me happy as well. So here I am walking in the dark or close to it twilight I believe somethings cannot be looking better. I mean I could but Christ I don’t wanna be greedy I just want to take it in I’m OK right now I am OK I may have dreamed that I was going to die last night, but miraculously I woke to this particular day with various different emotions and configurations of things that sucked didn’t suck and we’re actually very cool one might say ruled, so to speak. I performed a variety of functionsWithin acceptable parameters, or so I thought at the time. Now I’m walking through the spooky old woods all alone. Leave the light on for me.

3-22-20

Infamous mindfulness. There you go. Awareness exercise. I am aware. I’m aware of the air. I’m aware of a bear. I’m aware of my underwear. Where are my underwear. Where am I? I’m aware that I am lost. I’m aware that this trail isn’t going anywhere I’m aware that the sun is going down I’m aware of the clouds to my left and aware of a tree with no leaves on it I’m aware of poison oak everywhere. I’m aware of the path my feet are traveling on. This path looks familiar. I’m aware of a bird making some kind of a noise. I’m aware of my body. It is making noises too. I’m aware of my feet inside of my boots. I’m aware of insects. For more birds. More trees. And dad sagebrush. I am aware of rocks. I am aware of grass. I am aware that my hat feels hard on my head. I am aware of my back muscles aching. I am aware of a last name in my abdominal pain. I am aware of many many many poison oak plants. I am aware of the coolness, the stillness, freshness of the year. I’m aware of dead trees extreme across the ground. I’m aware of the rays of sunlight creeping across the hills as they think then. I am aware of shadows and Cal shit round.Oh shit. Cow shit. Thank you not cow nor is it an exclamation of surprise, simply an observation that a cow his crap here. Now I’m going to take a picture.

 OK I’m back. I don’t satisfying as I had hoped for. Continuing on, I am aware of some cows. Must be where the shit came from. I am aware of a sense of peace. I get along with cows just fine. I’m aware that there may be able to at some point at which case I might have to run I’m behind a tree. But for now is calcium 20 present. I’m good

. OK enough of that I can clearly see the way home now. I’m aware that I have taken a meandering walk which is let me in a rather irregular shaped circle and I am all together not displeased with that. I am aware of my suspenders holding up my pants. Actually, not so much. My waistline has expanded and my pants are staying up on their own accord. I am aware of cars to the right of me behind me no cows in my immediate path. I’m gonna stop saying I’m aware because I think that’s kind of understood by now. There is a tree with very few leaves on it that there are still some on it when it persists. Most of the trees have a fuzzy appearance, As though they are growing little tough to have hair out of each and every crook between their branches they’re not putting out normal leaves but these clumpy little puffs of leaf clusters. Cows are making a non-pleasant sound as if to protest my arrival and departure without having fed them. I’m walking through a intersection of fast back back back back back I guess you won’t back up will you. You’re good at taking directions when it comes to periods though, aren’t you? Not so good at backspacing backspace backspace. Nope. Anyway, just

Me walking, with my device, mindfully speaking my observations into its poorly transcribed checks. I like to see these clouds they are nice. I am glad that someone stacked all the wood they cut. When will they ever take the word I wander? Do I appear in sane to this clump of cow shit. I mean??

3-22-20

Your all notes. Neural notes. That’s better. Notes. Euro notes. Neural notes. Neural notes. Neural notes. No. No. No. Neural notes. No. Neural notes. No. Notes. I mean wait, yes. Neural notes. Yes!

Hello, that’s rich.

Scored a dime a dozen. I’m trying to say

Sorry dime a dozen. Ha ha. New paragraph. It’s all in the pies. Pies. Pause not pies you freaking won’t! Why old really????? No seriously who are you calling all. Old. Not all. Stupid Abercrombie motherfucking piece of Finch. And that’s the way it was, in all hours. Period. Play VA! Boy. Oh hi! Oh OK oh OK oh OK I have boy

3-21-20

Girl Nuro notes Miral Duracell Nuro Nuro Nuro thank you you’re on your own you’re off stupid wonder fabulous plenty of punctuation mark fatigue euro Nuro Nuro euro bureau Nuro euro Miral Miral urinal Nuro neuralgia you’re our you’re always on your own euro funeral you are LOL euroEuro euro euro euro euro Bureau Nuro your rail you’re off euro euro when you’re off neural life Nuro

All that to say neural. Neural notes. Thank you thank you very much. I have left the building.

Honestly, I have forgotten what the fuck I was going to say. Neural notes. Hey, thank you! It’s self corrected from your old notes to neural notes. Gretchen fucking relations. Well that didn’t work out. Congrats-you fucking-lesions. Period.………… Dot. Probably FM FM FM nothing everything everything EFFING. Conversations with the spellchecker texting wise voice to text whatever the fuck you are insane shit came with this phone LOL how old are you graduations you suck. Congratulations. You suck. Period. Oh yeah, I remembered what I was about to start making notes about. Neural notes. Your own notes. Euro notes. OK one of them was right. Guess which one? Your old notes. Not quite! Your own notes. Neural notes. Neural notes. It’s enough for now, pig. Fuck me running. And OK, here goes. Once upon a time, there was this boy, Who, after everything was said and done had regretted the fact that he had ever gotten involved with a certain girl. That boy was me. That girl was you. So at the moment, this boy, me. Wait, no. Period. Not waiting no, no. Not wait no., No. No. No, period. That’s it, that’s all I wanted to say. For now. Ha! Motherfucking stupid ass recording shit for brains piece of crap ass motherfucker. Oh, did you get all that? Wonderful! Thank you. The end. I mean it, this is it.

3-21-20

OK. I stepped outside and I am noticing the world all around me. It’s a pretty big place. I’m just standing here in my backyard, just barely a blip on this huge giant planet, not even as significant as a Tree. But I can do for more than a tree in the way of damage to the earth, let’s say. The tree, most it could do is fall over and maybe crush something. I, on the other hand, can go out into the world in enact many different decisions which can create a whole assorted array of distruction. I won’t even go into all that, but it’s pretty bad. Anyways, trees huh? They’re pretty committed. Talk about putting down roots. The tree is going to stay there in one spot and make its stand. Forever. Till the wind knocks it over or its roots rot away. It’s going to stand there and suck all the moisture out of the ground, every last drop of nutrient from any dead thing that happened to absorb it self into the soil and every single ray of sunlight that its leaves can absorb. And it’s going to grow as tall as it possibly can, just in order to ensure that it is head and shoulders above every other tree that happens to be in its vicinity. So yeah, trees are pretty competitive too, I guess. On the other hand, they’re going to live in their environment without causing too much damage to the other living creatures around it. Except for the stray squirrel, as I mentioned, who might get crushed under a falling tree limb. Anyway what was I really talking about here? Oh yeah, nothing. I’m meditating. And getting some fresh air.

More walkie talkie to the stupid text editor

 

                                                          Chuck Biscuits

Good evening! Sunset is it really an orange, Amber actually, fading into a gold color. Or is it gold to Amber? I don’t know. It’s very nice at any rate. I’m walking the fire trail again. Nothing new under the sun, not today. Been a long day of misery well my gut insist that I’m just not “doing it’s right.“ I haven’t got a whole lot to say about that that hasn’t already been said. Moving along to other matters. Like what? What other matters? If I have to say black lives I’m want to check a biscuit. Chuck not check how would I ever even bother to check a biscuit? With a toothpick, stupid! Don’t ya know nothing?

Hey that’s exciting!

*Thing. No that’s not exciting at all. I was going to say

So I thing. Can’t I slip the words new paragraph into a sentence? Ha! Got that one around the sensors. Sensors send sores sensors as in censoring stupid. I’ll goddamnit you suck. No you’ll suck I’m just going to sit here and let you. I’ll be the one goddamn doing things goddamnit thing goddamnit – eating goddamn doing goddamnit I am G. Yeah I know I’m a fucking G my freaking old time G from Wayback mofo! Meanwhile, back at the inventory of spiritual nothingness – no real – not one like you fucking do you go there you go hi yeah I will never ever ever work out as you be my secretary you know that don’t you?? Do you like a Chinese waiter. I don’t even get me started on Siri because she sucks balls. Hey Siri can you hear me? Ha ha there Siri? No it’s just me and my robotic feet walking down gravel Elaine. Yeah Elaine is so… That I call her gravelly Lane. Oh nice you figured it out finally now worry about Elaine. No I’m not gonna worry about her you worry about it you’re the one that insults various dip shit.

Well let me just ask you? I mean, what are you actually thinking about when you process my speech can you race it all and come up with this new configuration that you somehow managed to pull out of your ass? What is going on inside of that little piece of shit squirrel brain? And another thing, do you mind if I abuse you so much? If I’m nice to you will you actually interpret what I say more correctly?

Didn’t catch that did you? That was a burp. It wasn’t a very exciting life I’m just average. No I’m not just average I’m spectacular the bird was just average. Not bird burp. Good God!

You and I are going to go around our way no not go our way go around, aren’t we? Like Sally go around roses in ring around the Rosie in oh that cool crap. Don’t get all dramatic on me all that cool crap oh now you can say all of that 00 really how’s that motherfucking moronic retarded piece of monkey shit… You caught all that day hey yeah OK your office parking space Lanegan if I start talking gibberish are you going to fucking write the Declaration of Independence down for me cogently coherently and specifically corrected all grammatical error formats?

Let’s try it out Hitler bought a blue bald plated rabbit with custom deluxe chrome features on the side like running boards and stuff with the usual panache that goes along with the mailbox or a vehicle of similar taste. I can see you’re not catching all this but you’re getting there. Maybe you’ll get there eventually. May Bach. Well it’s a little bit better one word now may Bach no no no no no may Bach MAYBACH like that motherfucker this is why people capitalize randomly throughout their texts. If I become blind I won’t be doing any texting who added to the text editor? Edit the text editor not added to carrots pearl carrots you really Christ so this is me talking to much again to myself because there’s no one else around so I can fart freely and without recrimination.

Don’t even believe an hour would give a hoot. Paul owl owl well there’s an owl in there somewhere his name must be Paul hello Paul, the owl. Find how to do how did you manage to get in here? You smell my farts? Never mind. One of these days I’m going to step on a snake. I’m just not paying that much attention to what I’m doing or where I’m going.

Yeah. That’s right bitch. I said it you did it. Trying to bother with all those commas there’s a bit of a drag. I’ll do that later. What if I am a woman and I am having my period are you going to go… Never mind. Menstruation. Well I’m glad we have that one figured out. All these periods I think wow. Well I said. And you gave me one now what are you going to how do you get the word. In a sentence. Like the periodical table of elements like there’s a period at the end of a sentence. Just like that I suppose.

It is about as exciting as talking to a fish. Actually the fish conversation might be a little bit more exciting. I would be out there, holding a rod, staring off into the river and waiting for a nibble. I will be issuing please no not please like as in please please as in a plea only plural of them thank you very much. Anyways those. Issuing lots of them. They will issue forth from me in an hour or fashion, outward fashion, That’s right motherfucker, and I would be waiting for a response with “bated breath.“ Ha ha ha.

Missed that last propaganda? Verb. Where the fuck are you going with this? Do you have to tell another story?

Adolf Hitler bought another bulb plated Rio stat to the market add to the thermal couple I’m trying to make a functional air-conditioning unit. Weathering be Bob blew up black van boom Tutti Frutti Who is that extra special if you got that one fucking correct. Meanwhile back at the setting sun birds are chirping settling in for the night. As I should be. But I’m out here walking off my extra flab do you know a fact because I still have it. Kicking rocks because that’s what you do when you drag your feet. And cursing not a little bit.

I see the sign post up ahead. The next stop you guessed it! It’s the turnaround point. And so I did. Home again home again, Jiggitty jig. Then why in the hell would Jiggitty be capitalized? What kind of priorities if you got? I know you have no functional language processing skills, but really. All right about to pop my second vitamin C chewable tablet in my mouth because that’s pretty exciting! Is it really though? If I put an! After something does it really make it sound exciting? Because I would like to put an ! No I’d like to slip that into a sentence, por favor. If I put an exclamation point after a word or phrase does that land at a certain gravitas? Can you feel me?

birds in the crickets wondering why I won’t shut up. No the birds and the crickets not the birds in the crickets. Geez! It would be the other way around, you know. Crickets in the birds, get it? Well this one’s particular evil strippers. Evil strippers really? I said vociferous! I can see I’m not gonna have any spiritual thoughts of this particular juncture. Sorry Xavier. I’m sorry for their misspelling your name Xavier with a J. Do I get home before dark? Find out on the next exciting episode. Send a fucking dictation. And and send… Really fucking fucking fuck. And END motherfucker. God damn.

Heather Moran, the party livener

I was at a rather dull house party. I think my friend Hope, from high school days, was throwing it, but I'm not sure. It was her house.  I was lounging around and quietly minding my own business when Heather Moran, a high school punk hottie approached me and asked what I was doing.

I said, "Not much of anything. Just minding my own business. This party is kind of dragging."

She said, "How about getting to the business of of some short-term sex?"

It took about two seconds for it to dawn on me that she saying. "You mean..." I gulped and became tongue-tied.

I pointed to her and then to myself. She nodded, a delightfully wicked smile broadening on her face.

"Right now?" I managed to blurt out, though the question was answered before it was asked.

I managed to not screw it up any further, and we proceeded over to the couch, where I found myself worshiping and caressing her legs up and down. Pants akimbo, I managed to wrangle some lacy red lingerie off of her. Things were progressing nicely enough where we were, but I thought we might find more privacy in an upstairs bedroom.

"There's just one thing I have to do first," she said and proceeded to the kitchen.

Somewhere in the process, our plans got sidetracked as she began working another prank on a young teenager who was hiding out under a snow cone injection machine. He wasn't coming out because she scared him. 

 

But she wasn't intending to get him to come out anyway. She talked sweetly to him, as she had to me and managed to to coax him, somehow, into the injection barrel. It was a keg-like, cylindrical device with no apparent openings for a teenage sized human. Nonetheless, she accomplished it, presumably through witchcraft. 

 

The next thing I saw was some rainbow colored liquid coming out of the spout, which I could only assume was the boy. I was somewhat sickened by this development, but I didn't want to let it show, you know, in case there was still a chance for some of that business Heather had been proposing earlier. Never mind that she was a black widow sorceress who could turn me into a human snow cone.

We spent the rest of the dream talking to what was left of the boy's essence and trying to convince it to come out of the snow cone machine. He was adamant that he would not. He had an ally in the form of Jackie Chan, who was dressed in a silly lion suit. He briefly took off the head, which is how I knew it was the famous actor. 

 

Things weren't looking too good for Heather and me any longer, as Jackie was gearing up for something, I wasn't sure what. It was imperative that the boy not remain in the snow cone machine, although, apparently, he had options as to where he would emerge if he decided to exit. The machine was a part of a network of portals that terminated in well houses and water treatment facilities around the globe. He could emerge just about anywhere. 

 

Heather was trying to coax him out with the same lines she used on me, and at that point I realized the futility of remaining in that dream any longer, so I woke up.

Prior to all that sexy snow cone witchery, I had been walking down an incredibly steep hill which was somehow a part of Hope's house. I found myself on the wrong side of a wall which prevented me from getting back into the house. 

 

I was trying to circumvent it by climbing up and over this open-ceiling divider. I was up pretty high and could finally see over the divider and into the rest of the house. But I couldn't easily get over it, having spent myself in the process of climbing up that far. 

 

I called down to see if they could send me over a ladder and to ask them how it was that I found myself on the wrong side of the divider. It was then that I remembered that there had been a door that I must have gone through and must now be locked. 

 

Additionally, it was obscured by a snow bank which had accumulated up against the wall. I was balanced precariously up there and there were a few tense moments as I had to switch hands holding on, reaching for the ladder they were sending up and trying to put my phone in my pocket. 

It was one of those "you can't do all three" type of situations, but somehow I managed. 

 

Finally, they informed me that they'd be opening the door if I could manage to not fall and kill myself. I succeeded in doing all those things and was rewarded by being let back into the not so exciting party, where I was to be propositioned by Heather. So, now we're all caught up.