Back to being a toxic waste dump

Maybe I'll come up with three things to be <fucking> grateful for by the end of the day. Maybe not. I'm not in so much physical pain right now, so what's my problem? My x-rays came back clean. No masses or abnormalities. Nothing. When I'm in pain, it's real to me, but apparently not traceable to any real cause. 

Right now it is my mental status that I'm allowing to cause me suffering. It starts with a teeny tiny little thought, like, "I'm alone and I'm never going to enjoy the company of other humans, women, in particular or ones that might be attracted to me specifically." 

Take L---, for example. I gave up in February, when it became apparent that she was never going to make any plans with me or follow through with them. I felt strung along, because she was saying all this stuff indicating that we might have some future together. 

But all the flirting she was doing with me was also being carried on with D----, and he actually gets to see her on occasion. He has her phone number and can call her. Or get invited to sleepovers, etc. 

I should have known better than to get involved after she informed me that she still had, and does to this day, a boyfriend of 17 years that she will never break up with. I get it. Stuck in a routine. 

Anyway, I allowed myself to get attached back in Oct/Nov of last year, but it was eating me up that I was being played with and not ever going to be fulfilled. So, I got all dick-y with her and stopped communicating for a while. 

Meanwhile, she still maintained that she was sincere and blah, blah, blah. Wants to be friends. Etc. So, I decided, "Why not? I just won't let myself get hooked into that feeling of jealousy or, for lack of a better phrase, "giving a shit." 

So she and I still exchange banter which is more cutesy than anything. There are no promises and not a lot of private messaging. I see her posts with D---- <hurl> and I respond to her responses on my posts with warm replies. But aside from the minor irritation of seeing that I'm only one in a bunch of people she flirts with, I don't feel anything. 

I'm mad at myself for even getting mildly irritated. Why, if I can't feel the joyous emotions of being alive, can't I turn off the remnants of human emotions, like irritation or frustration? 

My life is so goddamn boring, I go from sleeping, to eating to napping and scheming on my bedtime while barely moving off this chair. Chair to couch. Couch to kitchen. Outside for garden and the mail and back to eating an sleeping. 

I don't go for my walks these days (except yesterday) because the smoke has been intolerable. It was breezy enough yesterday for a short walk, but today is hazy again. 

There should be plenty of things implied in this that went ok or should be on the <fucking> G-list. Want to hear them? Fine:

1 I'm not in as much pain today.

2 My parents added me to their cell plan. I never use my cell phone for calls and so this will save me from having to pay $100 a year to keep a phone active for emergency use.

3 My house hasn't burned down with me and my cats and all my stuff in it. Lots of fires in California right now. So far, I have missed them. Or they have missed me. Fire season is a long way from being over, but I'm ok for now.