Things that I should be figuring out, but can’t/or won’t.

 

 

Let’s see if this looks as petty when I put it on paper.

At 6 AM, I awoke after having slept a broken 4 1/2 hours. Immediately, of course, I went to the mirror with a sense of dread. I was going to look at my eye. From my recent experience, my internal prognostication was that it would look worse.

It wasn’t exactly worse, in fact, the color seemed to be a little less red, and the swelling, while not dramatically improved, was at least not worse.

I wiped a little gunk from the corner of my eye and left it alone. Let the antibiotic ointment do its job.

Determined to keep to my routine of exercising in the morning, I went on with my early-morning preliminaries: brush teeth, feed cats, open windows and get out before the sun gets too high up and the temperatures soar. The heat wave is still in full swing, reaching 107° yesterday.

Things began to go awry quite quickly. While feeding Stevie, I accidentally filled the water bowl with food, requiring me to clean it. I have done this numerous times. It is an indication of just not paying enough attention to what I’m actually doing. 

As I was rinsing out the water bowl and dumping the water, I bumped my forehead on the corner of the eaves on the back deck. It was a substantial blow, leaving a small chunk of flesh on the rain gutter.   Cursing, crying and clutching my forehead, I went in the house and cleaned the small trickle of blood that was running down my forehead. 

The gouge wasn’t too bad. I’ve seen worse. My wife was never surprised when I bumped my head.

"With an enormous cranium like you have, I’m surprised you don’t bump into everything all day every day."

She was given to hyperbole and also enjoyed any chance to get a jab at me for my stubbornness and general inattention to things. Apparently, my inner critic wasn’t doing a good enough job, so she felt the need to assist.

Wondering if I should take a message from the two examples of my lack of mindfulness this morning, I contemplated changing my plans from riding my bike to simply walking. Certainly less risky, I imagined.

Fuck it, I thought, I can still make my early morning bike ride if I put a bandage on my forehead. I grabbed my earphones, and was just about to put them in when I heard the sound of a cat vomiting. On carpet. Of course.

It was Patsy this time. And she was barfing at the top of the stairs in the spot she usually inhabits during the daytime. She stays glued to this spot to ensure that I will not ignore her pleas for attention or food. It's a "pay troll" situation, and I'm OK with that for the most part.

Cursing and ranting, I began to clean up the mess. At least it wasn’t Eddie this time, or so I thought. 

As my friend Ronaldo used to say, "That was a thought wasted."

Eddie had her own pile of barf, thankfully on tile this time. Hers seemed more hairball related, although given her poor appetite and propensity for barfing, I was not given much comfort by this.

Patsy had managed to barf into a crevice, and it was wet food vomit, so it required more cleaning.

"I’m not mad at the cats. I’m not mad at the cats. I’m mad at myself," I repeated over and over. 

This non-dual philosophy of mine is really getting to be a thorn in my side. It pretty much obviates my ability to direct my rants towards any externally blamable source. I want to curse at the universe, but I am not something separate and apart from it."Why am I doing this to myself?" is what I should be saying. The buck stops here. I am the buck. Fuck!

Just for shits and giggles, I decided to do a quick one-card tarot reading. I can vacillate between magical thinking and nihilism in a nanosecond.

The seven of pentacles, reversed. From the internet:

"Seven of Pentacles reversed can indicate that procrastination, laziness or aimlessness is preventing you from manifesting your goals. It can indicate a lack of self-reflection or not taking stock, lack of planning or aimlessness. 

"In a health context, if you have been experiencing health issues, the Seven of Pentacles reversed can indicate that these may be the result of poor health habits or behaviour in the past that you are now seeing the result of. If so, you need to start adjusting your lifestyle to correct this behaviour and aid your recovery. It can also be an indicator that you need to stop and evaluate how your lifestyle is impacting your long-term health and make any necessary changes before you reap what you sow."

By this time I had given up on the idea of a bike ride, but I was still determined to go for a walk. I can’t say that I learned one damn thing, as I am, at this very moment, walking and using a text editor, staring down at the screen, instead of paying attention to where my feet are going. 

Fortunately, the traffic seems to be light on Loma Rica Road, and most of the cars can apparently see my bright yellow safety attire. And by the grace of God, the universe or the person who decides where snakes are to be placed, I have not stepped on a rattler this morning. Yet.

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Afternoon update: I am still nursing the mother of all styes. It's like an enormous, painful pimple on my eyelid, but it seems days away from popping. All I can do is keep it clean and use compresses, take the antibiotics and apply ointment, none of which seem to make any difference, except to irritate it. Ibuprofen is of marginal effectiveness against the pain.

I have an appointment with a specialist in Woodland in the beginning of August, but the amount of pain and misery I am going through at the moment makes that day seem like some far off mirage. Who knows what condition I (and eye) will be in by then. (See what I did there? A little reggae humor.)

I'm still here mofos!