In an effort to promote individuality and recognize diversity this holiday season, I will not be issuing the generic "Happy Holidays" greeting. In order to remain compliant with the Paperwork Reduction Act, I will not able to circulate the standard 24 page questionnaire which has proven helpful in the past to determine the precise appropriate greeting for each person. I believe, however, that I have found a viable workaround.
I will adopt a reactive approach, tailoring each response to the greeting issued to me, so that regardless of the occasion, I will be in safe territory. Here's a sample interaction:
Random stranger: "Merry Christmas!"
Me: "I love Christmas! It tastes just like chicken!"
I will then take two steps to the left, salute and thank them for their service, declaring in Nick Cave fashion, "I'm Stagger Lee!" as I click my heels together and do an about face, quickly walking away while they begin to process what has just transpired, slowly leading them to the conclusion that they have just encountered a psychopath in the grocery store.
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I've changed my comments settings to allow for anyone to comment. All comments are welcome, even spineless potshots from anonymous posters. Please, by all means, give me the tongue lashing I so richly deserve. I promise not to hunt you down and melt your keyboard with my plasma cannon. I won't, however, promise not to pout and make that face you can't stand.