Starring Lindsay Lohan as...

 

I'll think of it in a minute.

I was out with a friend bike-walking. That's where there are two of you and only one bike, so no one really does much bike riding. You either walk the bike, or one walks while the other rides in small circles and tries to not be bored. The bike is less of a joy and more of a responsibility at that point, so you wind up trading off who has to deal with the inefficient travel machine.

I'm not sure who the friend was, but I want to say he was being played by Charlie McDermott, the guy who played Axl, the older brother on The Middle. I'm pretty sure that's not correct, but he's the first person that pops into my head when I try to recall. We may have been cousins, but I'm not sure about that either.

As Cousin Axl and I were out bike-walking, I remembered that I had some mail to send off, so I wrote out the addresses on the envelopes as we walked, licked and sealed them and popped them into someone's personal rural mailbox. I don't remember putting the little flag up, though.

After a few miles of walking and bike trading, one of us accidentally lost the bike, ghost riding it off a cliff into a deep ravine. Looking down into the impossible abyss, we shrugged. Not like the bike was of  much use anyway. Stupid bike.

"I know what I want for breakfast when we get home," Axl said, and we both said the answer at the same time:

"Pancakes!" I could just picture a griddle full of golden, fluffy flapjacks being flipped over at the peak of pan-fried perfection.

When we got home, there were no pancakes, and my mom was doing some housecleaning while playing a game of hide and seek with the neighbor girl, Lindsay Lohan. Ms. Lohan wasn't looking too well, however. In fact, she looked exactly as if she'd just crawled out of one, like that girl in The Ring.

It became apparent that Axl and I were both going to be conscripted to play in this game, as it was a matter of life and death. Additionally, news of a water heater explosion somewhere in town necessitated that we all change our bedding and leave the house immediately.

"But Mom," I protested, "I just changed my sheets two days ago. I usually let it go at least a week."

I was also confused as to how it related at all to the reported water heater explosion, as it seemed to have no obvious connection to my bedding. Nary a water spot to be found.

"I don't have time to explain," Mom said hurriedly, insisting that I get my sheets in order, hide and then flee.

"OK," I acquiesced, "but at least let me use the restroom first."

But at that moment Lindsay was coming down the hall, and so my mom crowded with me into the tiny guest bathroom.

"Come on, Mom! I need some privacy!" I pleaded. My morning constitutional was approaching critical mass, and there warn't room for two sheriffs in this one horse outhouse.

She looked at me with such fear, I felt a twinge of guilt as a I pushed her out the door, presumably into the clutches of the evil Lindsay. Without a sound, she vanished or was turned to stone or worse, as I struggled to get the door closed. Something was blocking it and applying pressure, and as force met force, the door came off its hinges and the doorjamb lock retainer thingy was ripped from the wall.

Lindsay Lohan's face appeared in the opening, and she grunted at me menacingly. She looked like Linda Blair in the Exorcist, with her sweat-drenched, stringy hair and pale, puffy face, spackled with a smattering witch's moles.

I was so incensed by the morning's inconveniences, from the sheets to the harried evacuation, and now this stupid game with possibly lethal consequences for my mom. Oh, and not to mention the no pancakes. And I still wasn't getting to take my crap in peace.

"FUCK YOU, LINDSAY LOHAN!" I screamed my last breaths into her face. 

She looked a bit taken aback by my resistance, but she held her ground, pressing on the door.

"You don't have any power...over...me..." I gasped the words out. "If I... don't.... believe in you..."

I don't know if that last statement would have born out, however, because I woke up. And I had forgotten to put stamps on the mail I'd sent out earlier.