A reply to Lori

Hey. Haven’t heard from you in awhile. Talk to us! We miss you.

Sorry, Lori (and friends). I have restrained myself from sharing my thoughts on Facebook because I am in a dark place. I am honestly more afraid and depleted of hope than I think I have ever been. I feel so alone, but I’m not looking to garner the usual rounds “sorry for your loss” “hang in there” “sending love and prayers” and the like. All these well-intentioned words are just hollow phrases and can’t penetrate into where I am at right now.

I’m not making any progress in overcoming my grief, rather I’m giving in to it. Sinking. Spiraling. I can’t project anything close to positivity, and so I’ve chosen to avoid making the rest of you aware of my self-indulgent stagnation. I’m ashamed of myself for not being a better human. I just feel like giving up, that’s all. I don’t know, maybe I already have and it’s just a slow motion slide into whatever comes next.

Since I’m too cowardly to commit suicide, I guess no intervention is needed. But I would welcome going to sleep and just not waking up. At least not waking up as me. Unfortunately, I don’t even sleep that well anymore.

I have so many toxic thoughts, sad thoughts, selfish, self-pitying thoughts. It’s endless. I’m losing the battle. Ultimately, as I have seen, life ends regardless of how you play the game. I am such a poor sport, thinking I should enjoy a life without pain or sorrow. I am only beginning to see the dues that must be paid and it is overwhelming. I watched Sharon play the worst hand that could be dealt, and I know I could never come close to handling it with such grace and lack of fear.

I don’t know that anyone would really miss me. People don’t even know me. I’ve tried to project an image that is much more of a positive, wizened sage than is actually me. I’m more of a frightened, lonely little kid pouting in a corner waiting for someone to come and invite him to the party. Only, I would just find an excuse to decline the invitation, anyway.

The only one who really knew me at all is gone. I don’t know if we will ever meet again. My mind tends to not believe in such things. I can’t feel her presence. There’s so much I relied on her for emotionally. All I do is make myself cry every day thinking about my sad story, her sad story and I torture myself with these memories. And I don’t want to stop doing this. I don’t want to move on, get past it or get over it. I am stuck.

My body is giving me clues that this cannot go on forever. I am not getting younger. I’m seeing the point of diminishing returns. If it were taken out of my hands I guess I am ok with my life being over. If it were quick. And painless. And no one else had to suffer because of it.

See why I haven’t been sharing? Nothing helpful, playfully insightful or cheery. I am going back to hiding under a rock until further notice. Thanks for inquiring about me, though. It means something that someone noticed I’m not around.