Sharon, briefly

I only remember a little from last night, and it was from my first dream cycle, before waking up and having to pee in the cold ass middle of the night. Sharon was still disabled, and I was still caring for her, but she was able to walk a short distance. 

As always, I was amazed to see her on her feet at all, and I told her. It was great to see her walking, even if it was from the couch to the bed. In the dream, she wasn't as far along in her disability, and certain milestones hadn't been hit, though that was about to change. She made it back to the bed, but collapsed on my side and couldn't get one leg up on the bed. I had to help her, and her leg was extremely heavy, like dead weight. 

"I'm going to have to stay here on your side," she told me. I was fine with that and began to get my things from the nightstand and switch them over to the other side of the bed.

"What about your computer monitor?" I asked. 

"I don't think I can use it anymore," she told me.

Now things were getting serious. This was a milestone that meant the end was certainly near. I got tearful and started thinking about saying my goodbyes. I felt I handled it better, more compassionately than I would have normally. In real life, I'd have protested and perhaps argued with her, getting angry even, because I hated the process. But instead, I made a point to keep things appropriate and was tender with her. 

I can't remember what I said, but I looked at her with love, though through tearful eyes. This was my wife, the mighty Sharon who never gave up. And here she was so weak and helpless, like a baby. All I could do was love her, though there was some pity and sorrow in there, for sure. 

---

That's it for dreamland. I woke up to an extremely sore hamstring, partly from the cold weather making everything more sensitive. My right eye is pretty much the same, though it always looks a little less swollen in the morning. The weather makes it feel wonky and weird, too. 

I'm holding on to things as they are, but my mind is fully becoming aware that they will eventually change, and most likely for the worse. I'm not getting younger, no matter how many supplements I take or positive affirmations I make. 

I constantly check in with myself, getting status reports from all sectors, eyes, guts, weight, muscles, energy, emotional status, etc. I give credit for things that aren't troubling me and rate the things that are. Some items are trending downward, while others are holding steady or even improving. 

For instance, I am able to feel emotions again, after a period of complete flatness. Sure, sadness is the primary one, but I look at it as an old friend, so I'm not at all disappointed to have it return. It is Christmas Eve, after all.