Reformat

 

6-7-21

 

Trying to make sure I give myself a fair evaluation.

When I described my situation last week, I determined that I would need to reevaluate my parameters, for myself, of what constitutes a 5 on the mood scale pyramid. I can’t compare my 5 to your 5, or anyone else’s 5. But can I even compare it to previous versions of myself and the 5 that I may have assessed myself with 10 years ago or 20? Or even last year, or five minutes ago? The landscape changes from day to day. Every second new inputs make themselves known or old ones re-surface, some good some bad. How does one even formulate the concept of objectivity?

These days I feel like I am not living my life in the way that it is possible that I could, or would want to. I feel like I am stuck in some trial version of my life, not the premium version. My choices seem limited. Although I am aware that they are there, the drop-down menu has many items grayed out.

Happiness, joy, contentment, serenity, gratitude, empathy – – these are concepts I am aware of, familiar with even to some extent. I have experienced them in my lifetime. But for whatever reason, at this time they do not seem to be on the menu. Sorrow, melancholy, self-pity punctuated by occasional fits of rage and then more morose lethargy— that’s what I’m serving up for myself on a daily basis.

I know it’s tiresome to hear, I get that. It’s tiresome to experience. It’s like watching the same rerun of a very boring TV show all day every day. At this point I would welcome a break, even if it were an infomercial. Something different. But the remote, if I could find it, is broken or has dead batteries, so I can’t change the channel.

But before you go suggesting I try to hang gliding or scuba diving, joining the chess club or starting a jam band, just know that my current software version does not allow for this. I am like a hamster in a cage, only having a wheel with which to entertain himself. My Habitrail may have extensions leading to other recreational options, but the tubes are all blocked off.

I don’t know what all is involved in getting the upgrade. Is it even possible, with the hardware that I’ve got? Certainly a reformat would be needed, to clear out all of the junk programming that’s been running in the background clogging up my operating system. But we may or may not be dealing with faulty components, a few bad transistors on the main board.

In this analogy, I would need some kind of “hardware oriented” fix. Since I can’t swap out my components, order up a new pre-frontal lobe or cerebral cortex, my options there are limited. There’s medication and there’s electroshock therapy. I suppose a lobotomy is out of the question, although if I knew the exact part of my brain that was malfunctioning I might sign a waiver for them to go in and kill it.

Therapy doesn’t seem to be working. I can talk about things till the cows come home. Some kind of action is needed out of me. And I don’t know what it is. That’s about all I’ve got.