What's my number? (more random ruminations on my brainscape)

 

I'm trying to make sure I give myself a fair evaluation.

When I described my situation in group last week, I had determined that I would need to reevaluate my parameters of what constitutes a 5 -- for myself -- on the mood scale pyramid. I can’t compare my 5 to your 5, or anyone else’s 5. We are all different. 

But can I even compare it to previous versions of myself and the 5 that I may have assessed myself with 10 years ago or 20? Or even last year, or five minutes ago? The landscape changes day to day, hour to hour. Every second, new inputs are making themselves known or old ones re-surfacing, some good some bad, and this in turn changes my perspective. How does one even begin to entertain the concept of objectivity, with regard to self-assessment?

These days, I feel like I am not living my life in the way that it is possible that I could, or would, want to live it. I feel like I am stuck in some trial version of my life, not the premium version. My choices seem limited; so although I am aware that they are there, the drop-down menu has many items grayed out.

Happiness, joy, contentment, serenity, gratitude, empathy – – these are concepts I am aware of, familiar with even, to some extent. I have experienced them in my lifetime. But for whatever reason, at this time, they do not seem to be on the menu. Sorrow, melancholy, self-pity punctuated by occasional fits of rage and then more morose lethargy— that’s what I’m serving up for myself on a daily basis.

I know it’s tiresome to hear, I get that. It’s tiresome to experience. I'm tired of being tired of being tired. It’s like watching the same rerun of a very boring TV show every day all day. At this point, I would welcome a break, even if it were an infomercial. Something different. But the remote, if I could find it, is broken or has dead batteries, so I can’t change the channel.

But before you go suggesting I try hang gliding or scuba diving, joining the chess club or starting a jam band, you must understand that my current software version does not support these types of things. I am like a hamster in a cage, only having the wheel to entertain himself with. My Habitrail may have extensions leading to other recreational options, but the tubes are all blocked off.

I don’t know what all is involved in getting the upgrade. Is it even possible, with the hardware that I’ve got? Certainly a reformat would be needed, to clear out all of the junk programming that’s been running in the background clogging up my operating system. But we may or may not be dealing with faulty components, a few bad transistors on the main board.

In this analogy, I would need some kind of “hardware oriented” fix to physically alter my brain. Since I can’t swap out my components, order up a new pre-frontal lobe or cerebral cortex, my options there are limited. There’s medication and there’s electroshock therapy. I suppose a lobotomy is out of the question, although if I knew the exact part of my brain that was malfunctioning I might sign a waiver for them to go in and kill it. So far it has proven itself to be reprobate and irredeemable. May as well sign its order of execution. 

I'm not talking suicide here, just selective component removal. Would my brain respond by re-routing those programmed tendencies to another part of the brain, its plasticity enabling the depressive thoughts to pop up in other places? Yeah, I'd have to think that one through. No drilling into my skull just yet.

Thus far, therapy and medication don’t seem to be working. The Bupropion is a joke. I could be on a placebo for all I know. And as for therapy, well, I can talk about things till the cows come home; it still doesn't change anything. Some kind of action is needed out of me. And at this point, I don’t know what it is. That’s about all I’ve got.

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This message was dictated to my Iphone while I was out walking in some windy-ass conditions. I had to distract myself from my eyeballs being buffeted by the wind. It worked, to some extent. I thought about my immediate pain less while I was busy coming up with dumb metaphors to describe my other pain.