God, Ver. 0.1.0 (Beta)

Another variation on the theme that God just hasn't gotten his shit together yet...

So, what if God, you know, the whatever or whomever that is, the one in whom all things consist, that all-encompassing, well, you know, the You-Know-Who-in-Chief, the big Cheese, etc, etc -- this guy, or gal...aw, fuck it. Where was I goin' with that thought, anyway? Move on. Complete  thoughts and sentences, already, Chuck. Please and thank you. If/then. Gotcha.

No, really. If that far up the corporate ladder is in sketchy territory, then we all are doomed. The Guy driving the bus is impaired. The Bus itself is impaired. There ain't no Mechanic, but if there was, you can bet that motherfucker would be impaired too. Probably drunk. And high. And using way too many inappropriately personalized Proper Nouns and Pronouns, as indicated by His wild and frequent use of Capitalization.

So, maybe this God guy hasn't even obtained enlightenment as to his own true nature? This big ol' God character is on a voyage of self-discovery just like his tiny mortal counterparts. Maybe he's just gotten his learner's permit, and we are all cautioned to "Watch out for idiot moves -- Student Deity." 

Maybe he's not even immortal. Maybe he just has slower heartbeats than we do. Maybe it's just that from our perspective the heartbeats of God appear to be everlasting, when in fact, it is because we are living our entire lives in a one second interval between ticks on the clock, where an infinite number of universes arise and perish within a blink of the cosmic eye.

Me, I'm the god of "all things Andrew." At least as far as it concerns my everyday consciousness. And a few autonomic functions that I'd be really screwed to be without. But this Andrew, Universe to Microbes, host to many friendly and unfriendly bacteria and the like, he lumbers along half-unconscious most of the time, blissfully unaware of all the various life-containing particles that may slough off randomly in a single skin flake, which could very well go on to be cloned and procreate an entire species.

Am I makin' any sense? I guess it doesn't matter, as yet. We are still getting the bugs worked out too, God. I guess we'll cut you some slack. You got a lot on your plate. Like, this Universe shit. Take your time. You'll figure it out. You're smart like that, eh, God? 

In the meantime, the rest of you, please enjoy your free trial version of "Life, existence and all that that entails." You will get one free upgrade, after which you will be asked to pay a subscription fee. You can opt out at that point, but you will lose your place in the queue, and it takes forever to get back in there sometimes. 

And thank you for taking part in this vast parking lot experiment that has been your life up until now. All of this could change in an instant, you know. Lightning, or a two by four, could strike you on the head, unlocking the secrets of all creation. Or you could get an aneurysm and have a lifetime of symptoms from the neurodegenertative effects of trauma to your delicate instrument of perception. 

You were selected at random, as part of the control group or as part of the experiment. It really doesn't matter which group you are in, ultimately we're all in the same big fuckin' group. The group of everyone and everything in all the realms of infinite possibility. That group. Big group. Impossible to opt out of. 

So, as Bob Dylan so eloquently put it: 

"I would not feel so all alone -- everybody must get stoned."

Back to Saturday...

Extra credit:

Q. Am I the voices in my head?

A. Who is asking the question? And which one does the answering? That's the one you are. The one who both asks and answers the question, "Who am I?" The rest of them are imposters. They are versions of you that were contemplated and discarded. Thought creations you brought into existence through the power of your mind. You are still the one steering the boat, and the rest of the crowd is just coming along for the ride and offering backseat commentary.

 

Q: Which came first, the chicken or the rabbit stew? And if not by me and you, then by who? 

A: There is no "A."

Q: Do I come with replacement batteries and filters? And if not, where might I procure some?

A: Good question. Check at CVS or Rite Aid. Maybe AutoZone, or even WalMart.

Q: Will the universe ever end, and if so, why hasn't it ended already?

A: That's a difficult question, but one which I'm glad you asked. Let's see:

 

1) Well, for one, who's to say it hasn't already? Ended, that is. I mean, which time? 

 

2) Or, it could be, that it hasn't ended yet because we all have one final test, in the form of an essay question, which we all must write together. 

 

3) That, in itself, should explain why it hasn't been done yet, hence, no getting on with the universe. We'd have to collaborate. Merge the streams of all of our consciousnesses at once and unleash the collective. Might be great, might mess up the space-time continuum and physically end existence as we know it. 

 

4) Don't you have anything better to do on a Saturday than to sit around and wonder about the end of the universe?