Plenty of Fish

 

OK, it’s time for me to come up with a new kind of personal ad.  The "lead with your faults" strategy is my way of preventing a lot of unnecessary tire kicking.  I'm not trying to create a false persona so that I can get a ton of likes, or dates even. I'd rather find the one unique (crazy) individual who can put up with my idiosyncrasies, and who has quirks of her own that I might find endearing.

I think that finding the right person has much less to do with writing about all of the cliche BS that people say to sell themselves and more to do with being raw and honest about who you are and what you want, so that likeminded spirits can find you.

"Balding, bi-focaled, gray bearded recluse, 56, seeking the company of a compassionate female."

I’m a widowed WM, just an everyday guy, perhaps a little damaged from life’s bumpy ride, but at my age, who isn’t? I would just like to experience something fun and pleasant with an amenable female. Would I like for there to be a meaningful connection? Of course. I'd love to find someone to share my life with, exclusively, committedly, forever and ever, amen, fireworks and butterflies included. That may be a little unrealistic, though.

At this point I would settle for pity sex with any girl with a pulse, who is just bored and has a sympathetic, slutty side. (Did I just say that out loud?)  What I meant to say was: chat, meet, go for a walk, maybe hold hands or share a nice hug. Something. It’s been three years, for God’s sake, can you blame me? I'm not talking about hooking up, like we were some kind of home stereo components. Let's call it creative loneliness management, or two souls physically sharing a mutually pleasurable experience.

Hmm. This isn't going as easily as I'd imagined. I'm editing, revising and reviewing, and I'm not making a very good case for myself, am I? More like, mental case, right? Well, here's some more:

I am a homeowner on a fixed income, SSD, if you must know. I was diagnosed with major depressive disorder after my wife died three years ago. I try to keep fit, eat healthy, etc. but the loneliness gets the best of me sometimes. I live alone on 5 acres out in the country. It’s nice out here in the spring, fall and winter. Summers suck, but hey, I’ve got AC and no set schedule.

I am not looking for a nurse or a maid. I can look after myself. I wouldn’t say no to a nursemaid though, wink wink. I feel that I am a genuinely nice guy, although I do get a bit frustrated at times. I am too old and creepy to flirt properly, and I never learned the proper social protocols anyway.

What am I looking for in a woman? You mean besides a pulse?  Sure, I admire classic beauty, but I'm a realist. I am no prize turkey. Besides, the real beauty is inner beauty anyway. Tall, short, young, old, fat, skinny, black, white, blonde, brunette, I'm not picky. If there is chemistry, warmth and good communication, you have already won me over.

**I probably couldn't date a cigarette smoker, junkie or alcoholic. I'm not a moralist, but these things don't work for me. Cigarettes make me ill, hard drug users make me nervous and sloppy drunks just make me sad. Here I sound all judgey, I know. People aren't just the sum total of their addictions; they are human beings, after all. But sometimes it can be pretty hard to distinguish the real person from the years of substance inflicted damage.

And at the risk sounding hypocritical, I have a couple of well-moderated indulgences of my own.. Nothing earthshakingly wicked, just something that I do most Saturday mornings while making music in my downstairs man cave. Why am I being unnecessarily enigmatic? I don't know, just trying to make it sound interesting.**

Is this the the part where I'm supposed to say that I enjoy long walks, or that I love animals and sunsets? That beneath this whimsical false bravado lies the tender heart of a hopeless romantic with a seemingly incongruous sensitive side? That I prefer a blues band to a rave, good conversation, cuddling and a quiet night in front of the TV to a wild night on the town? Those are all true of me, but still fail to provide even an adequate thumbnail.

I'm new to this site, and I find it a bit intimidating. So many, many "fish" -- all unique individuals, some with very specific lists of things that they like or don't like. We don't have to share every single interest in common. I'd just like to connect on a basic human level, and perhaps we can build something together.

I should, perhaps, try to play up my positives a little more. I'm a musician (not in a band, but perhaps someday) and a writer (still haven't written that novel yet). Hmm, I'm beginning to see a pattern here.  I should have quit while I was marginally ahead. I'm not a professional profile writer, in case that wasn't obvious by now.

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The above text is my actual live ad on Plenty of Fish, an online dating site. So far, it has garnered 99+ likes, landed me a few chats and one possible date. It's possible to succeed even when you put your worst foot forward with it hanging out of your mouth. I'm not pinning any hope or expectation on this, however. It is still too early, and besides, I am never going to be satisfied with any version of an ad in which I must try to describe or sell myself. 

But perhaps the semi-transparent approach of non self-aggrandizement will pay off. It is probably narrowing down the field of prospects nicely. I didn't want to generate a lot of interest in a fictitious persona which would easily be seen through, should I ever meet any of these women in person. All the rejections happen without my knowledge, as people read the profile and quickly swipe the other direction.