The Joke

Ha Ha Ha

God, you little devil

With all Your (our) Infinite Wisdom

You (we) decided to play

The ultimate trick

You fooled yourself into thinking

You (we) weren't God

Signed,

Andrew

Yeah, that's cool...

Journal entry for October 30, 2011 (or thereabouts--towards a non-dual definition of good)

Is it all good? Really? No. But only because it is all good.

If all of this is an illusion and God is all that is "real" and God is love, then God, or Love, apparently has some pretty fucked up shit in His/Her/It's mind.

All I can say is it better be pretty peachy rainbow ice cream orgasm when we finish with this world and on to the next. Like when God's done playing with His toys, he better not leave them all disheveled and broken or we are going to need a new definition of good. Like "whatever the fuck God wants at any given time" is good.

Hence all this crap, which is obviously what He wants, because it "is."

Yeah.

Journal entry for October 26, 2011 (spiritual teachers and a light bulb)

How many "spiritual teachers" does it take to screw in a light bulb?

Duh, there's only the One.

There is no light bulb--it's just an illusion.

No, really...How many?

NONE

Journal entry for October 25, 2011 (I gave up on enlightenment)

I gave up seeking to go back to sleep, but I'm conscious of my unconsciousness. Since discovering that all is one and all that jazz I've kind of felt like "What's the point?"

Buddha says your already enlightened, you just don't realize it.

The Course in Miracles says it never even happened.

Hinduism says its all "Maya" (illusion) and "Lila," God's divine play.

Since we're all just acting out roles, it's not in the best interest of the play to pull back the curtain and reveal the mystery.

Let it play out.

However it will.

And for God's sake, enjoy yourself if at all possible.

Journal entry for September 4, 2011 (or thereabouts--meditating with a hungry cat)

I like to eat yogurt, peanut butter, almonds and grapes. In a little bowl at about 11:30 or 12 at night. After I go to sleep and then wake up to pee. It is "my quiet time" to meditate. I will finish my snack and then pet the cat, if she shows up. I try different chants, like "ohm" and such to quiet my mind.

I won't lie. Sometimes I get mad at the cat for fidgeting when I'm eating my yogurt. Sometimes she tries to knock the bowl out of my hand. Only occasionally will I get to eat in peace and then do my meditating. The cat will go from fidgeting to purring and all is ok. I never get very far into any sort of "state" other than I could fall back asleep.

Tonight she pissed me off, though, and I couldn't eat without throwing her off. She got pissed, too, and wouldn't come back. So even though I have lit candles and supposedly am getting over my anger problem by meditating, guess what? I'm a big spoiled "meditating" angry brat!

I hate this! Is this funny if God cannot meditate on God because he is angry with a little cat for wanting to fidget and steal his yogurt? Yes, actually...

Journal entry for August 15, 2011 (Sharon's birthday, excuses and a late family therapist)

Yesterday was Sharon's birthday. I got her a pizza and a birthday cake with candles, and did the silly singing. While that was nice, she still did not get her birthday wish, which was to get out of her bed and go into the kitchen, even if only for a 10 minutes.

The fact is that we can't get her into her wheelchair without a Hoyer lift or we risk injury and falling. The lift barely fits in the room and is difficult to maneuver on the carpet. We have never tried this procedure and it must be executed perfectly or the pain of having her feet down too long will make it not worthwhile.

"Blah, blah, blah--excuses!" I can hear her thinking. She has not been out of that room (except to go to the ER) since Feb 14. Before that it was Christmas.

So, how do I feel right now, as I sit in front of my family counselor's office, waiting 20 minutes after our appointment time, to see if she will even show up or call? Um, really, not too bad. Other people can screw up too. And other people have waited longer than me for something that didn't happen.

My wife is at home, hopefully sleeping away this afternoon's grumpiness with me. I will now drive to Oroville and pick up the food she wanted, from the restaurant she likes, and this evening will hopefully be less stressful.

Sure, I have my ups and downs. Mostly, the downs are how I perceive it. It could be worse.

Journal entry for August 9, 2011 (repetitive)

I don't know how long I can keep up this journaling. It is monotonous to keep writing "I lost my temper again" and the stupid reason for it.

Sharon has been back from the hospital for a few days but is still feeling bad. She is losing her ability to be positive, and I have already lost mine. Seems like we get mad at each other now over nothing.

Journal entry for August 5, 2011 (Sharon and the ER)

Sharon went to the ER on Tuesday for abdominal pain.

We were there for 13 hours trying to get answers. C-T scan, chest X-ray, blood and urine tests. The only conclusion was that she was dehydrated and had a bladder infection. Duh.Fremont-Rideout sucks. Their computers were down and the ball was dropped numerous times, so we waited 3 hours between tests while the left hand tried to figure out if it was a left hand or not.

Deep thoughts? I am not mad about the poop anymore. I think that a routine, no matter how monotonous, will be missed when it is gone. I just think about all that Sharon has gone through these last 3 years and I feel so sad for her.

Now she's in a hospital room, and I'm sure she's missing being at home with her cats, her computer and her TV. It's not much, but it's all she's got. And being in a hospital with incompetent fools looking after you is no fun.

Journal entry for August 2, 2011 (Pissed)

Me and God ain't talkin'. (again)

Journal entry for August 1, 2011 (Having a shitty day? Meditate...yeah, right)

So, today started with trying to collect a urine sample to take to Quest Diagnostics to prove whether or not my wife's stinky pee and incontinence are due to a bladder infection.

During the collecting of it, she didn't have to go, but she did have to poop, which she did. We managed to get a small sample, which I took. Lots of poop cleaning was required because she was sitting on it and it was messy. I took the sample and also went shopping.

When I got back, I found she had pooped more and once again was sitting in it, this time for 4 hours. I didn't pitch a fit, but I was nonetheless not happy either time. She cried the second time around because the poop was everywhere and it hurt when I had to go and  wipe it from every crevice.

Needless, to say I am disillusioned again with God and my reality (and hers) and wish to exchange it for another.

(later)

Afterward, thinking "I have finally gotten through this fucked up day--now I can meditate," it was 1:30 AM. In the middle of my meditation a cat acted startled. I ignored it, or tried to. One half hour later, as I took off the headphones and climbed the stairs, I was hearing the shrieks of my wife. "Andrew! Andrew!"

She had thrown up on her gown and on the sheets, requiring both to be changed.

Apparently, my whole meditation is one big Ego Trip anyway, because I was--guess, what--rattled and upset. It is now 2:30 AM and I am--guess, what--MAD! I can't get a break, but no matter, my wife has me beat. She is the real sufferer. I am just a whiny brat. Great.

Journal entry for July 31, 2011 (My Facebook Ego and the AC control panel)

A couple of days ago, in the midst of feeling beat down and unimportant, a friend from 30 years ago contacted me on Facebook. What a trip. They put pictures up that included some old ones of my days as a punk in Anaheim. I suddenly felt like I was somebody again.

I don't know if that's a good thing or not. Aren't we trying to get rid of the ego? Regardless of who is me, the me that remembered being me back in the '80s got quite a charge out of seeing pictures that reminded me that I was somebody.

Ok, here's an example of how negative thinking doesn't always pan out (or even match reality). Our power went out the other day leaving Sharon without A/C for half a day. The power was only out for an hour or so, but the thermostat go reset to the factory default setting of 80 degrees when the power came back on.

Sharon wanted me to "take the thermostat off the wall" so I could look at the model number and she could research it online. I felt resistant to the idea of "taking it off the wall," having a fear of breaking it and not knowing how it was mounted, etc.

When I finally went to attempt it, I found that there was a front cover that comes off, and there were 2 ancient batteries in there. I replaced the batteries, and now when the power goes off (we tested it), the A/C comes right back on at the prior settings.

See?

Journal entry for July 29, 2011 (Binaural beats and Dennis, the tool guy)

Binaural beats. A meditation tool utilizing different frequency audio tones in the two separate hemispheres of the brain via stereo headphone input. I tried. It works. It can be scary. Just make sure your Ipod isn't on shuffle or you may get a rude awakening.

Also, yesterday Dennis warrantied an SK tool of mine and promised to look into a couple more. Lesson: Give and you will receive. Forgive and you will be forgiven. But don't do it just for those reasons. Just do it.

Journal entry for July 27, 2011 (Overworked at home, underworked at my job)

Yesterday I felt overworked and underpaid -- it was still the weekend. Today I feel under-worked and underpaid because it was slow again at work. I didn't struggle or suffer too much. Just plain bored.

Journal entry for July 26, 2011 (Drinking again)

So I gave in and drank yesterday.I was tired of feeling bad and not able to get out of my funk, so I returned to an old familiar remedy. I made sure that I didn't fuck around and had 2 shots of tequila and 2 beers and then I felt a lot better (for the moment).

Then my wife and I had sex. It was better than usual, i.e., it went smoother, without the usual physical disasters that regularly happen.

Later, I tried to meditate and it didn't go so well. I was agitated and just felt like getting it over with. I put on my "Course in Miracles" tape and my lesson for today was, "I do not perceive what is in my own best interest." Great. I guess I also flubbed the one for the previous day --"I can escape the world I see by giving up my attack thoughts." It's like this stuff was put here strategically by by some higher being, or like I left a trail of breadcrumbs for myself to find.

Nahhh.

And by the way, you can get a mild hangover from 4 drinks if you don't drink regularly. Today I have to mow the lawn and make food for the week. I'm probably gonna skip the alcohol for a while.

Journal entry for July 25, 2011 (Angry Guy)

The forest fire of my anger is fully engulfed. I am now in day 2 of being pissed. We tried to make amends. She hugged me and said sorry but then qualified it with a bunch of "until you do this & that, I will think the same thing."

I am more pissed at myself, God and everything at this point, and she is just getting the results of it. She only said I was lazy and self-centered, and I kept it going. My ego or blah, blah, blah enjoys anger and pain, I guess, because that's all I allow myself to feel.

I never smile, except in pictures, and of course, it's fake. I just don't feel a smile coming on for any reason. I just hate being me.

Journal entry for July 24, 2011 (Another useless fight)

Ok, how do I feel right now? Angry! Why? My wife called me "lazy and self-centered." She asked me to agree or disagree. I told her that I didn't want to argue with her, but she forced me to answer so I said, "I STRONGLY disagree."

I don't think it is fair for her to say things like that. She knows what I have to do in a day and that even if I wanted to enjoy some downtime, it wouldn't make me "LAZY." But I haven't had a day off of caregiving for her and doing everything else in like 3 years, so how am I lazy? I may not be motivated to do extra stuff because what I do already is a lot. I just get pissed off when someone calls me lazy and is not in my shoes. FUCK

Journal entry for July 23, 2011 (forcing the bloom)

"Trying to force a flower to bloom. It ain't gonna happen." -- Upon reflecting upon my meditation technique, performing a ritual with an impure heart. "You fool, first go reconcile yourself with your brother and then bring your offering to God."

Journal entry for July 22, 2011 (A shit day, prerequistes)

Don't get too sappy just yet. Today was another day that goes in the "shitty" category. I have learned to deal with it at work when I get the shit jobs. You just take your time and keep plugging away. It will eventually be done.

Same at home. Keep cleaning it up--it will eventually be done. But only just for a while. Then more shit will come. Sometimes in the process of cleaning shit, there is pee. And any number of such combos. I grow weary. One step forward, two steps back. Or is is 2 steps forward, 1 step back?

Anyway, who makes a world like this, really? I can step outside and see flowers and pet dogs and go for a walk. My wife is stuck in a bed with her own shit all day. I have a hard time reconciling the suffering of this life with a world of beauty, which is also a world of death. And shit.

Wait, there's more. Prerequisites. Whatever I have to do seems to require that I do something else first. Like, if I neglect something one day, it will be there for me, in my way, before I can do the next thing. I have dirty dishes, but the dishwasher is full. I am too tired to bitch anymore. But I'd sure like to.

Journal entry for July 21, 2011 (Beginning of Decomposition Notebook-- thanks, Big Guy)

I want to say "thank you" to God, Jesus, the Holy Spirit, All-that-is, whatever, for helping me to get rid of this anger and frustration. This week hasn't been any different situationally, but attitudinally it  has. I feel a bit of an ability to cope, to not react and even a bit of empathy for others. I need to stay focused on doing this daily when things don't go my way and also not get too cocky, 'cause it's always around the next corner.

Anyway, no anti-depressants for me just yet. Thanks again, Big Guy.

The Game

Here's an email to my mom which started it all. Sometimes I have to go back to it when I get to feeling like, well, like my last entry.

I have been thinking about you lately and felt like writing, but have had little time. You know the story.

I recently listened to the audio book version of David Burns book "Feeling Good." I remember you telling me about it quite some time ago and it seemed to make sense at the time. I never really followed through with any of the steps at the time, and any insights quickly vanished. Recently, due to the volatile situation at home, and my inability to cope, I sought to grasp at anything that might help me to better deal with my emotions and frustrations. This book has been very helpful in making me see where I am making my own life more negative and depressing than it needs to be.

I don’t say that I am “cured” of anger, frustration or resentment after having listened to it. However, seeing what is happening as it happens is a big step toward improving. He has a lot of concrete advice (something I wish all therapists would offer) and his observations and techniques are very helpful to a person who is “stuck” in some kind of emotional rut or another.

I think the audio book idea is a good way for a person on the go to get the benefit of reading when sitting down to read is impractical. I listen in my car or while cooking or doing dishes. The soothing tone and the rational thought processes infiltrate my thinking. Later, when situations arise, I am brought back to the examples or strategies outlined in the book and I find I can deal with things more calmly.

It has helped me to be more empathic and less reactive to people. I recently had an epiphany or revelation or whatever you want to call it. Here it is. There are other people on the planet besides myself. It is kind of shocking and amazing that I should only be realizing this at the age of 45. I guess, better late than never.

This thought led me to the related fact that these other people have feelings, emotional ruts, desires, hopes, fears and motivations similar and dissimilar to my own. I guess my 2-way radio has been stuck on transmit the whole time. Now I find that I can tune in to the thoughts and feelings of others and this is greatly helpful in making social situations less dysfunctional.

These thoughts running through my head kind of made me forget my immediate issues and start to ponder some of the deeper issues of life such as “what is the meaning of life?”

I am not ready to write a book or thesis but here it is in a nutshell. What I think I believe at the current moment (subject to change):

We are all God/gods as a part of the collective consciousness known as life. This includes animals, trees, sure—whatever.

A long time ago being all powerful, blah, blah blah, We got bored and decided to invent a game to play for Our amusement.

The game is called the world as we know it. It is similar to Monopoly or the game of Life. We come from “the other place” and take on various roles, each designed to teach us different things. But we already know these things, hence the game. We have all this erased, or mostly erased, and come in as a blank slate. The fun is in the process. Not winning or losing. But there is a goal. To become love incarnate.

Religions are like clues we leave for the next round of the game. Tips to help get you there. The “Golden Rule” would probably suffice. Sure, some religions are twisted and not as helpful, but that’s because we are all imperfect as long as we are in this realm. We don’t always see things clearly and we get “programmed” by other imperfect mortals. And we all have the handicap of this mortal body. There are consequences to improper play, but there is no final judgment, only the judgment you make on yourself. We come back again and again to “get” different aspects of the game and perfect our playing of it.

Negative thoughts and emotions, physical disabilities, natural catastrophes, etc are all obstacles designed into the game to perfect our outcome. They are like hurdles for the runner, the bar for the pole-vaulter and the waves upon which we surf (once we have learned how to not flail around in the water). Every game has to have opposing players and every challenge must have something difficult to overcome. It is through these challenges and conflicts that we grow. Remember the goal is love. In the end, we are all really on the same team, just for the purposes of training we have to split up into two sides in order to have a game to play at all.

Things on this planet that make us happy we designed into the game as respites and rewards: food, sex, music, a good book, a sunset—whatever you like. These make the tedious aspects of the game more tolerable. It isn’t all fun. Not by a longshot. But once we decided to play the game, being all Godly and stuff, well, the game isn’t going away any time soon. There are a lot of poor sports who would just as soon chuck the Monopoly board across the room and say “I quit.” But the game goes on. And guess what? You can’t quit! You may have a time out. But really, everyone will have to come on board eventually.

If it ever gets out, this whole nature of the universe as a game and everyone really does evolve to that point…ahem. That is the scary thing for us as humans. It could be the end of the universe as we know it. I mean, when you place the last card in solitaire and everything is nicely arranged—it’s game over. And that’s a good thing. Maybe that is why there seem to always be stragglers and un-evolved people still walking around. We don’t want the game to end. What will We do next?

I, for my part, feel a whole lot more comfortable in my skin knowing that it is just a game. The pressure is off. I’m not going to drive my car into a tree to “hit the reset button” because I have come too far in this game to start again. I don’t know what the “other side” holds, but I’m pretty sure it’s all ice cream and rainbows and nothing even so malevolent as a hiccup.

I don’t know how long a person must live or how many times we come back or when or if we stop. As a human I am used to linear thinking. That is how I came up with the game analogy. I believe that there will be an end. And I believe in the triumph of good over evil. Evil is a potent adversary, but as all powerful Us, we created it, just to have a challenge, just to pass a few millennium. Solitaire is boring. There is no script and sometimes the rules are not clear to us, but ultimately, We cannot be defeated by something We created. In the end everyone will win and good will swallow up evil. George Bush, Hitler, Ghandi and Jesus will all have a cappuccino and discuss the events as they saw them. The stories could go on forever…

That’s the “reason for it all.” So that in the afterlife, when all is said and done, We will have something to talk about. And so We can’t say “I wonder what would have happened if…” For all I know there could be a zillion versions of this game being played out, different universes with slightly similar, slightly different players and constructs. Like an episode of “Fringe” or “Sliders.”

And no, I’m not on drugs.

I just came back to the keyboard to find my cat has typed a good portion of this (kidding---though I will give her credit for any typos).

That being said, I am still human, still struggle with depression, hurt, anger, frustration and fear. I just have a different perspective now and am trying it on for size. Even prisoners in solitary have freedom if only in their mind.

Well, enough philosophizing for now. It’s time for dinner.

So, how have you been? Don’t feel like you have to match my long-windedness if you don’t want to. I appreciate any email from you.

Love,

Andrew

The Dark Night

A time comes in every seekers journey where the initial results of his efforts seem to stop. The same old prescriptions just don't cut it anymore and he is left questioning his every belief. Indeed, God seems so far away and life so meaningless he may be inclined to give up and go back to what he thought made him happy before. But if he is far enough down the road, he realizes that there is no turning back, and yet seemingly there is nowhere forward to go. He is stuck.

I have no advice for the seeker at this point, because it is me. Unable to be rid of my ego, it hangs around my neck like a dead chicken to punish me. It is a foul, rotten thing and I know I "shouldn't" judge it so, but it is what it is.

Misery loves company so I am radiating all of my misery into the ether so I can bask in my "aloneness" with all other seekers who have hit the wall and are considering putting a bullet in it. There's a reason I don't own a gun. I shouldn't even be trusted with scissors.

In the wealth of wisdom is great sorrow. Ignorance is bliss. I have inoculated myself to responding to words of wisdom by listening to countless self-help and spiritual audio books. My wife, who has MS and was severely emotional a few months back, has now become my rock of sanity. I am off the deep end and have no sense of happiness or purpose. Only misery, only me. Universe, what universe?

Journal entry for June 26, 2011 (Diabetes is simple, caregiving...not so much)

Life used to make so much more sense when I was just diabetic. All I had to concern myself with was my blood sugar, carb intake and whatever else would contribute to my diabetic well-being. I had clear cut goals and obstacles, the results were measurable and observable with the naked eye.

And I could smoke my weed and drink my beer and tequila with impunity. I just had to have good results on the old meter. And the sex was just icing on the cake. I could even eat bad foods, provided I had sex right afterward, and this would give me a "happy" reading on the meter.

Fast forward five years, my wife's MS has consumed us both. Everything revolves around her care, from the changing of diapers, the making of meals, the laundry, the non-healing toe injury to the occasional whims which must be appeased or her wrath incurred.

I don't know who I am apart from this. I do dishes, cook, clean and help her into the shower. She has no activity, bedridden 100%. I shop, I come home, I mow the lawn, I let the cats out, bring them in, change their litter box, feed the dog, paint the shed--but apart from these things, I don't know who I am.

I know who I am not. I'm not the guy having any fun at the moment. I'm not the guy feeling peace unsurpassable or enlightenment. I have been (and still find myself) the guy crying about the unregainable past, the guy angry with God for giving my wife her disability, for robbing her of her young body and leaving her to suffer inside its shell. I'm the guy seeking answers in every book and tape and catching only glimpses which flicker and conflict and utterly leave me confused with unbearable sorrow.

Who am I? The one writing this? Certainly not! This is just distilled pain, from thoughts about how senseless this life appears to me. Who is the me who argues with the me that bitches and complains? Who is the one who "understands on some deeper level?" Hogwash, I will never get it. I thought I came close, I really did.

All the new age prophets agreed with me, too: "Life is just a game." Well, is it? Why is it not any fun? Why do I keep losing? Am I not playing it right? Do I have a bad attitude? Can I find fulfillment in doing what I am doing? Should I be doing something different? Where is the Holy Spirit in all of this?

I have tried to be a better person, but it just seems pointless. I don't feel anything good, but I do feel all that is bad. So I should do good anyway, like Mother Theresa says?

If I could pick one religion and follow it, I am sure there would be peace--but all religions contain errors and contradictions, so which one would I choose? They all say, "Stay away from that one" or "This one is OK, but the real truth is..." and I am left scratching my head, or picking my earwax, to be precise.

I have indulged myself in my perceived pleasures, and while they made me feel pretty darn good when done in moderation, they were transitory and always either had to end or led to me wanting the next thing. It was a happy carousel, chasing the next high or buzz or level of numbness (dumbness). I don't regret any of it.

I just don't know what I'm supposed to feel or do now to supposedly advance to the next level of awareness, consciousness, Being or whatever. I feel like I keep coming up with more bitterness, emptiness, and confusion, the more I supposedly seek. And, sure, I could say my meditation and prayer is pretty paltry and weak if I am really attempting to contact God.

But shouldn't He be contacting me? Why does it always have to be about what I am doing wrong? What I must be overlooking or failing at? Are there not billions of people on this planet, some more aware and some less? Are we all lost? Are we all going to hell? Really, now!

And what of all this suffering and the seeming inequity of it all? One person worries about the brakes on his Mercedes, and my wife worries about if she'll poop today. Maybe she doesn't even worry, she just accepts it. And it sucks, yes it does. Judge, judge, judge--yes, I do.

Who, really, am I? It was so much easier when I was just diabetic.

Journal entry for June 21, 2011 (Dreamscraps with Jeff)

Tagging along with Jeff, talking about hybrid motorcycles, electric golf carts and going to country rock concerts. We lived in a newly developed tract housing community with little acre parcels. We were scavenging for building materials in dumpsters in front of newly constructed units.

Journal entry for June 19, 2011 (Voices in my head)

Things perceived to be the voice of God

"It is all just a game."
"I am already pleased with you."
"Thank you should be your mantra."

Journal entry for June 18, 2011 (stolen bike dream)

In a dorm room, in my new school, I had a bike stolen when going to the restroom to pee. I felt rage, thinking, "Is this how this is---NO!"

I went outside and the first person I saw on a bike, I yelled, "STOP!" They crashed the bike, and I chased them with a spear. I was threatening them to never do that again. (And it was my bike).

Journal entry for June 16, 2011 (Non-sequiters)

Anal sphincter buttholism.

Invite Barney Fife and Bucketmouth in for a cup of hot "whatever."

In a band, making up lyrics, smoking weed, or just having it around not smoking it, actually.

"We hide" a song by Eminem.

Try on the dress, see if it suits you.

Journal entry for June 7, 2011 (Waiting for answers with my loveable, prickly cactus)

As days go by, I wonder how I got here, where I will go and how come it's taking me so long to find God. I think, "I am seeking, why does He not show me a sign?" Then I think, "Yeah, for what, 2 months now? And you expect what kind of sign? Part the heavens or what?"

I guess I should look for the signs that are all around me. I guess, first give some thanks for what I do perceive or what was revealed to me specifically.

1. That this life is just a game.
2. That we are all one, all 8 billion of us.

So far that's about it, though each teaching that resonates with my spirit and causes me to tear up, I feel is proof of God's Spirit in me saying, "Yes! Finally! He gets it!" A little late, but better than not at all.

So still I wait, for further instruction, and it comes in the form of tests of patience. My wife's crazy PMS, MS or whatever it is, makes her insane and me as well. I try so hard to love the prickly cactus she sometimes is. But I know it's not her, not really. Just a mask she wears for God, who is teaching me that my love is not yet perfect.

It may be a while yet. I'm still here, though, God.

Journal entry for June 6, 2011 (Death in the Supermarket--a real life hallucination)

I saw death at the supermarket. She was kneeling by the mushrooms. I know that if I reached out and touched her that I would have the touch of death on me. Her lace shawl was touching the ground. She looked about 25 and had black hair, white skin and in intent Asian face.

I took my mushrooms from the adjacent bin and went on my way. Later, I saw her again in a different aisle and she was not death, but only a girl of 15 with her mother. Her intent Asian face was American and she was laughing. I never saw her after that.

Journal entry for June 6, 2011 (Remember the Game)

Remember the game
And why we're here
To become love and
Conquer fear
We do these things
For our own entertainment
To see what it's like
To achieve this greatness
All that we seek
We already are
Though temporarily handicapped
In this earthen jar

Journal entry for Jun 5, 2011 (Magic 8 Ball Q&A)

Magic 8 Ball Questions and Answers

Q   Am I going to heaven?
A   Outlook not so good.

Q   Really. I'm serious.
A   Ask again later.

Q   Ok, what about now?
A   Concentrate and ask again.

Q   Ok, I concentrated. Now tell me.
A   Very doubtful.

Q   I'm still not satisfied.
A   Concentrate and ask again.

Q   I'm still thinking about it.
A   Ask again later.

Q   Magic 8 Ball, you're a good friend. Are you my friend?
A   Very doubtful.

Q   Magic 8 Ball, are you run by demons?
A   Reply hazy. Try again.

Q   So are you?
A   Better not tell you now.

Q   That sounds intuitive. Are you for real?
A   Without a doubt.

Q   Can I trust you?
A   Ask again later.

Q   Now?
A   Yes.

Q   Magic 8 Ball, are you full of shit?
A   Reply hazy. Try again.

Q   I'm not giving up. Are you full of shit?
A   Without a doubt.

Q   Is it worthwhile to ask you questions?
A   Without a doubt.

Q   Really?
A   Very doubtful.

Q   Are you contradicting yourself?
A   Concentrate and ask again.

Stop Resisting

The key to all spiritual awakening (from what I have gathered) is to stop resisting what is. Life and all its experiences are supposed to ultimately bring you back to God. The high road or the low road, the bumps the bruises...

I don't know how to say it. God is hiding, but He is everywhere. Too many people talk about God as if they understand everything and fit it neatly into doctrines and beliefs. I don't think it is possible to talk about God without making serious errors and distortions. The most enlightened people probably say the least and quietly just "are."

I am just a noobie so I am just running over at the mouth because the ideas are something I am grappling with. I have had fleeting glimpses and strong emotional responses at times, and so I feel there is a reality to my faith. But my little self is having a hard time getting out of the way all the time. 

Seeing the big picture can be hard when you are covered in mud and it gets in your eyes and smears your glasses. I know meditation is important, but I can't seem to stop my mind for more than a few seconds. I have to surrender to the moment, just surrender. 

Right now, the moment is not talking or blogging (more ego) but to cut some diapers, email my mother and try to sneak back into bed with my sleeping, but still possibly angry wife. Good.

So, I guess I should mention that one day, not so long ago I had an epiphany. It was very subtle, no shining lights or falling off my horse, but more of a comforting realization that made me see things differently and led me to make some changes in my life. 

While driving to work and contemplating my sorry situation (see previous posts), I had a deep longing to know "why?" We all ask this for many reasons in the course of our lives. This time was the "big one". Why are we here? Why all this? Why do we suffer? 

The realization seemed to come to me that we are here as a game. It is just a game we chose to take part in from the start, so we can not take it too seriously. We, the Immortal, decided to get all dirty and play in the mud and experience all sorts of things and their consequences and all this was for Our entertainment. I became aware, I guess, at this point, 45 years into this lifetime, that I was not the only person on the planet. We are all going through this together, some happier, some sadder, some more aware, some blissfully ignorant, and some like me--just angry. It took a lot of things to pound me in the head to make me want to care about more than myself in this world. 

I used to live for the good times and was addicted to weed, alcohol, caffeine and had to have a constant stream of media input into my brain. I fell asleep to TV or radio and at times TV, radio, CB and scanner simultaneously. Talk about schizo! I couldn't stand the silence, I was afraid I would have to hear my own thoughts. When I did hear them, they were just so much random repetition. I would ruminate on the things that were wrong and wish for things to be different. The buzzing of the echoes of my media soaked brain would play on in endless loops of songs, tv commercials, harsh voices of self-criticism and on and on. I had not a moment of peace unless I became buzzed out of my mind. 

One time, while sitting on the couch, buzzed out of my mind, I actually came a bit unglued. I felt that I, myself, did not exist. I was aware of my body, but felt completely disconnected from it. I began to wonder if this was what it was like to be dead. I thought, oooh, this is creepy. And also, hey, at least I am still "aware." I guess I can't be dead. I think now that at that moment I was so far out of my regular mind, that all patterns of reality and associations vanished momentarily. It was not a sustainable state because the amount of intoxication had to be just right in order not to actually kill the body or just pass out into dreamless slumber. Anyway, I digress.  

I guess now you can say I am on a quest. A quest to find what was never lost, but was buried deep within me: my own true spirit. I must keep moving forward on my path of spirituality and toward the goal of Being. It is a slow process for me. I have many ingrained patterns to abolish. I find the goal of surrender is also the path. 

One good thing has happened. I find I am more peaceful and accepting of what is, even if it is not enjoyable. Occasionally, I have moments of unexpected joy, or alternately, I tear up when I hear some truth being spoken. I have noticed in my "reading" of the audio books listed below there is a common thread to all religions. There is a great unmanifested Spirit who is the source of all being and awareness. The goal for humans is to become aware of their God-nature and become beings of love and merge with the One. In the meantime, we play in the mud, and God watches, amused. 

Suggested reading: 

David Burns -- Feeling Good 

Deepak Chopra -- How to Know God 

The Tibetan Book of the Dead 

Jon Kabot-Zinn -- Wherever You Go, There You Are 

Judith Orloff -- Emotional Freedom-Liberate Yourself from Negative Emotions and Transform Your Life 

Parmahansa Yogananda -- God Talks with Arjuna, The Bhavad-Gita, Royal Science of God Realization, the Eternal Dialogue between Soul and Spirit, Autobiography of a Yogi

Eckhart Tolle -- The Power of Now, Stillness Speaks, A New Earth - Awakening to Your Life's Purpose

The Bible -- New American Standard translation 

Lao Tzu -- The Tao Te Ching

The Reluctant Messenger -- http://reluctant-messenger.com/God-talking.htm 

 

Or you could spare yourself the reading and just go outside and sit under a tree and look at a flower. It shouldn't take too long for a person who is ready to make a change to get the cooperation of the Universe to help them. Realizing that you are being helped may take some time, as what we expect is not always what we get. It's never too late and it's never too soon--take a look at yourself and make the CHANGE.