Thought I'd rewrite the 12 steps to make them easier

 

I had a thought that maybe a 12 step program would be helpful to someone like me. However, upon glancing at the actual 12 steps I found them to be outdated, inapplicable and well, just too darn hard. So I rewrote them to make them more convenient and easily achievable.


I've included both original and extra-crispy recipes.

1. We admitted we were powerless over alcohol—that our lives had become unmanageable.

1. Continue to tell myself that alcohol really has no bearing on my unmanageable life (because it doesn't). I can quit any time. See, I already have! Sure, I'll miss it like a friend, but it wasn't really my best friend anyway. More of an associate.

 

2. Came to believe that a Power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity.

2. Continue to be skeptical as to the existence of any higher Power or their ability/desire to assist me in any way with my sanity, or anything else for that matter.

3. Made a decision to turn our will and our lives over to the care of God as we understood Him.

3. Skip this step. See step 2.

4. Made a searching and fearless moral inventory of ourselves.

4. Make a selective and highly redacted moral inventory of myself, skipping over the bad points and heaping credit on myself for the character that I've created in my mind.

5. Admitted to God, to ourselves, and to another human being the exact nature of our wrongs.

5. Skip this step. Too hard and entirely unnecessary as predicated in steps 2 and 4.
 

6. Were entirely ready to have God remove all these defects of character.

6. Sure, why not? As long as I don't have to admit any of these alleged defects to this fictional being or do any actual work to change anything. Go ahead, God, do your worst. Zap away!


7. Humbly asked Him to remove our shortcomings.

7. I'm not going to humbly do anything. Next.

8. Made a list of all persons we had harmed, and became willing to make amends to them all.

8. Making a list of all the people I've wronged and addressing them all individually would mean having to admit to the defects that I've clearly avoided in step 4, so...Next.


9. Made direct amends to such people wherever possible, except when to do so would injure them or others.


9. Unnecessary step. No defects, no list, therefore, no amends. Continue to treat people in the manner to which they have become accustomed.

10. Continued to take personal inventory and when we were wrong promptly admitted it.

10. Continue to insist on my own blamelessness and never admit to anything, even if shown evidence.

11. Sought through prayer and meditation to improve our conscious contact with God as we understood Him, praying only for knowledge of His will for us and the power to carry that out.

11. Blah, blah, blah. God, prayer, "His will." Please! We've been over this in the previously skipped steps. No.

12. Having had a spiritual awakening as the result of these steps, we tried to carry this message to alcoholics, and to practice these principles in all our affairs.

12. Continue to wait for the the never to be achieved, fabled "spiritual awakening" until hell freezes over while living my life exactly as I always have. The end. Tell a friend.