My favorite emotion, anger. Or frustration to the point of screaming, what's the difference. It seems I have not been beaten down by life enough to make me completely docile and non-reactive.
Today, for the fuckteenth time, I accidentally sent out my "death notification email" while in the process of resetting the date on my automatic email program. It is completely my fault. Me, me, me. It's like when you hit the enter key while composing a message and, boom, it's sent before you can proofread it or even finish the sentence you were working on.
What frustrates me about this is that I have to then email my 2 contacts and explain/apologize for the false alarm and try to convince myself that it's even worth it to have an automatic email program. I keep telling myself, "it's not for me, it's for the pets." They don't deserve to die of starvation because I go months without anyone worrying enough about me to physically check up on me.
Having it in place is one less obstacle in my path should I choose to end my life deliberately. At least I know I won't be murdering my pets through abandonment. My 2 contacts have assured me that they will look after the animals in the event that I am deceased. If my contacts somehow die, and I am unaware of it, it is all for naught. Nobody checks on anybody that often. One of my contacts doesn't post on Facebook or call or email and is living in Oregon. Not sure who is going to come for the dogs, but she's the one who said she'd be taking care of it, even if by proxy.
Why is it that an emotion like anger can easily break into my self-pitying sadness routine, but happiness or joy or any other positive emotions never do? I honestly hate this life. I hate how it is set up and run and the storyline and the laws and physics of it. Fuck the universe. I've had enough of it or maybe it's had enough of me. I'd blame God, but I'm over that archaic human construct. Fuck whomever and whatever, and just fuck it all.
Merry Christmas!
No comments:
Post a Comment
I've changed my comments settings to allow for anyone to comment. All comments are welcome, even spineless potshots from anonymous posters. Please, by all means, give me the tongue lashing I so richly deserve. I promise not to hunt you down and melt your keyboard with my plasma cannon. I won't, however, promise not to pout and make that face you can't stand.