My Groundhog Life: The 5 stages of Grief, Learned Helplessness and Conversion Disorder

 https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Learned_helplessness

I've fallen and I can't get up. The hole I'm in, psychologically speaking, is deep and convoluted. I must have hit a couple of bends along the way, because I can't even see daylight above me. Now I'm supposed to trust that it is there because other people tell me that "it gets better" or "life goes on." The worst is "what you're experiencing is normal." I guess the new normal is what I'm supposed to be accepting (the final stage of the grief process).

I think of Sharon often, and how much tenacity she had in clinging to life. And yet, in the end, it didn't matter. She had to accept that it couldn't go on. I'm sure she had to go through all the stages (denial, bargaining, anger, sadness) before arriving at the final acceptance stage. But what does that say about life? We are all helpless in the end, death wins. Whether we go down swinging or die with our boots on, we are going down.

I'm apparently not mentally OK, because I recognize this fact and am acting accordingly: depressed, shut down, resigned. It would be much better for my mental well being if I lived in denial, the place most humans spend their lives. I've tried my share of bargaining and anger. Sadness is where I currently spend most of my time. Acceptance equals death, so I'm not quite there yet. I'm not making a distinction between accepting the idea of one's mortality and the actual giving up on life itself. Sue me.

I've learned that no matter what I do, I will die. And in the meantime, while waiting for this inevitability, no matter what I do, I can only briefly hold back entropy, and this only with a herculean effort. If I sit back and go with the flow I will arrive in the ocean just as surely as if I swim with all my might against the current. There's no escaping the river, both sides are insurmountable cliffs reaching to the sky.

Someone gave me a crock pot. Actually an "Instant Pot" as a Christmas gift. I'll give you a hint: they stayed at my house recently and had a little trouble with my ancient crock pot. I know I'm the most difficult person in the world to deal with, maybe that's why they left it on the front porch without ringing the bell. They did call the night before, so I wasn't unprepared for them to show up. However, I was as relieved that I didn't have to answer the door as they probably were that I wasn't in the living room at the time.

I'm touched by fact that someone cared enough to give me a gift, even if they did feel obligated because of the whole fire evacuation housing thing. I tried a faint protest on the phone, but I wasn't able to be mean enough to say "no" to someone who just wanted to thank me for what they perceived as my hospitality. I'm really not so gracious, I'm just weak and unable to put up much of a fight anymore. I may have to ask them to take it back. It is way too expensive of a gift and I'm pretty sure I'd never use it. I don't want to hurt anyone's feelings, though, so I dunno.

Many opportunities exist in this world for me to be a better person. To not be so pig-headed and think of others for a change. I just have a hard time with getting out of my own way. So I've developed a physical component to my mental disorder. I can't do this because "XYZ" condition is acting up. When it was my intestines, I was sidelined. Then my liver or kidneys, I don't know which. Now my low blood pressure and eye conditions keep me from actively doing much.

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Conversion_disorder
https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Somatic_symptom_disorder


I have a routine, a daily ritual which keeps me locked in a vicious cycle of "I can't do this because..." It starts in the morning with my taking an hour to get out of bed. Then my little exercise routine, my Perry Mason, 45 min omelette cooking followed by 1 hour breakfast in front of the TV. Now it's noon or so and I haven't even showered yet. I do that, brush my teeth and get dressed and now it's close to 1 o'clock.

I need to go for a walk before it gets too late. I go for an hour walk, but occasionally two hours if I decide to make it interesting. I try to get back to watch "The Rifleman" at 3 o'clock. Why? Who knows. It's just a routine that I have, to get me from one hour to the next. Then at 4 pm I will start feeding the dogs and cleaning the cat box. This takes 15 mins and now I settle down to watch the rest of "Wagon Train," another old-timey western show that barely holds my interest.

I may pick up the guitar during these TV show and fiddle with chords that I never seem to make into anything cohesive or definitive. Just experimenting with what might sound good. Anyway, no goal, no accomplishment.

By five I have to get up and do something, anything, to kill the next hour without the TV. "Charlies Angels" is on and I really don't want to watch it. If I have anything to do on the computer I will, or if I have any laundry to fold, or dishes to attend to I'll do that. Even a little target practice with the BB gun will be better than giving in to watching more mindless TV. Despite my pathetic choice of weaponry, my kill ratio is actually improving. I wouldn't want to be a tin can on my property thinking it's gonna get away with standing upright on a tree stump or a trash can lid.

By six I've exhausted my  limited chores. Sure, there are a multitude of things I've been avoiding and will continue to avoid. Like "de-cluttering" or whatever I'm supposed to be doing to "move on" or "get closure" or such. Even the most obvious tasks like fixing the leaky faucet in the guest bathroom are put off indefinitely, short-circuited by the mentality of futility that I've adopted. Keep to the daily routine, no varying it up. No extra expenditure of energy for tasks with unknown reward factors.

Which makes me wonder, why am I wasting this energy right now? I'm not getting much out of it. Time to make my same ol' dinner of chicken and salad and try to figure out what to watch on TV or the computer to pass the hours before I can go to sleep. If I get really lucky I will dream. Either way, I will wake up in this Groundhog Day scenario again tomorrow. Rinse, repeat.