Bupropion: Day One

 

11:05 AM. Took my first dose of Bupropion 150 XL (generic for the anti-depressant Wellbutrin). I lumped it in with all of my morning supplements so as to minimize the psychological impact. What's one more little pill, right? I will be eating breakfast momentarily. I will check in throughout the day to monitor my progress and/or descent into madness.

11:30 AM. I finished breakfast without incident. I feel myself flushing just a tad. It might be the garlic or the Tapatio. We’ll see if it persists.

12:40 PM. No noticeable effects as yet. Still waiting for the lightning in a bottle to kick in. I have a pleasant after breakfast feeling, kind of sleepy, if anything.

So far, I don’t feel anything abnormal, anxiety or otherwise. I also don’t feel particularly motivated to do much, so I’m wondering how long it takes to feel the first effects.

I may wind up doing the facilitator job again at group this evening. Jason texted me and asked if I could fill-in for him if he can’t make it on time. He has to put his cat down. I am hoping not to be too revved up or anxiety-ridden when the time comes.

2:15 PM. Still no noticeable side effects. I’ve been drinking plenty of water, just to prevent some of the more obvious ones. Dry eye. Constipation. Those will take a few days to show up.

I don’t feel any particular sense of agitation or restlessness. I did, however, just play the drums for 10 minutes. I took a load of laundry to the washer, and now I am about to go outside and get my small amount of daily activity in. I will be missing out on my walk this evening, unless I go super late.

Jason texted me again, and he will be missing the meeting tonight. This will leave me as Facilitator, with L____ as my back up. I am hoping that I still feel somewhat normal by then. I don’t wish to have an episode while hosting the meeting. Although, as far as safe and appropriate places to have a meltdown, a support group would be about as good a place as any.

3:50 PM. Just came in from the outside. I hauled three loads of wood from various places on the property. This isn't necessarily a result of being medicated. I did some similar work outside a couple of weeks ago. I just wanted to see how this would go. A couple of times, logs fell off the back of the wagon. I did muster up a “fucking piece of shit” or two, but it was half-hearted. I don’t feel agitated or extra irate, just the normal amount. Possibly a little less, since normally I put my whole heart into a good curse-out.

8:33 PM. I am out on my walk, near the turnaround point. That’s also the spot where it is most convenient to relieve myself. I hydrate quite a bit while walking these days. I started to walk late, but I’m determined to not let my daily footsteps total diminish just because it is Thursday and I had a meeting that lasted until 7:30 PM. I brought along a flashlight, so I don’t step on a snake or into a pothole.

I don’t know if it is the medication or not that is making me this stubborn. I’ve done all these same things before without medication. I don’t want to give it credit that it does not deserve. I will say that I have a decreased appetite, which for me is not a benefit but rather a detriment. I am hoping that this walk will stimulate some sort of appetite for dinner. I am usually plenty hungry by the time I get back from my walk.

Well, that was a nice relieving pee. I am about a mile down a dirt road and there are no houses in sight. OK, I’m turning around, and I’m turning my audiobook back on. I will check in with you after dinner.

9:50 PM. I just arrived home and finished making dinner, which I am now sitting down to eat. I have a raging headache, possibly from not eating dinner sooner. I’m still drinking plenty of water. It feels good just to sit down and close my eyes. Not good as in “good,” but better than trudging 5 miles in the dark. Stubborn, stubborn stupid man.

10:30 PM. Finished watching Young Sheldon and eating my dinner. My headache has more or less subsided. I really wasn’t hungry, but I wasn’t revulsed by eating food, either. I do feel a little overstimulated, like someone has wound my spring up extra tight, and it is taking a long time for me to unwind. This would be the time of the night where I would traditionally have sipped some wine and smoked some weed, easing myself into the mindless transition to sleep. 

I don’t want to rely on those particular crutches, nor do I want to enhance or change the effect of this drug that I am just starting out on. I simply want to evaluate it for what it is and decide whether or not it is helpful, harmful or none of the above. 

12:05 PM. Showered, teeth brushed and ready for bed. The shower always relaxes my gut muscles, so I always feel better afterward. I am horizontal, but far from sleepy. I won't blame it on the Bupropion, since I've been averaging 1:30 to 2:00 AM for bedtimes recently. If anything, I blame the warm summer-like weather we've been having, which makes me tend to favor the nighttime hours.

I should mention that group went well tonight. Third week in a row that I've been facilitating. I felt pretty comfortable, for the most part, except for near the end, when I really had to pee, but didn't want to excuse myself to go off camera. So I just let go and let God. Went right there in my chair, I did. 

Haha, no, I didn't. I strained and scrunched until I just couldn't take it anymore. The meeting was over, but a couple of people were still hanging around chatting. I snuck away real slick-like and it was no big deal. Next time I'll work on my hydration timing. I'm not that old that I can't hold it, but geez!

1:30 PM Still not sleepy, but I'm going to initiate shutdown protocols. I'll turn off the TV/monitor and put on an audiobook with a 15 min sleep timer. I do better when I don't have something droning on all night, but it does help me to drift off. Goodnight.