Pissing in the wind

I have come to the conclusion that all my efforts, my struggles to fight the entropic nature of life are just so much pissing in the wind. I don't know how to give up, though. It seems that life wants to live, even if I don't care much for it. So, what's got my goat today? Let's see...

I became aware of an abundance of yellow star thistle growing on the periphery of my normally viewed property. I investigated, only to find that it has invaded and virtually taken over every area where I'd pitched my battle with it the previous year. Last year, I thought I'd gotten to it before it had gone to seed. I'd carefully plucked them out by the root while the ground was still soft enough to do so and burned them.

Apparently, not the right solution. The burn piles were the most prolifically populated areas this year. Fire is apparently a fertilizer or something for these devil's weeds. 

So, for the last two days I thought I'd take a stab at getting out early and putting in an hour or so with a shovel and a rake. I'd knock them down at the root and throw away the remains in my garbage can. Finally put that thing to use, since I pay for it and rarely throw away anything but cat shit. So environmentally conscious, I am.

It is for this reason that I don't want to use Roundup. I've noticed little birds that feed on these seemingly useless weeds. Tiny little finches, lesser goldfinches, I was told. Very cute. I don't want to feed them this poison, just as I don't want to eat GMO foods myself. So, I'm stuck with the idea that I have to try to control it naturally.

The real solution would be to irrigate the areas in question. Star thistle prefer dry soil, and they can outlast any spring grasses that they compete with. If the grasses are watered and mowed, the star thistle will get waterlogged and give up the fight as the grasses choke them out. Unfortunately, I don't have the irrigation water set up to reach all of the infested areas. Not to mention we are in a drought, and I feel it would be irresponsible to utilize that much extra water just to make my property a little more to my liking.

Solution? I don't know. Keep knocking them down because I need the exercise?  Enjoy living on a star thistle preserve? These are questions I don't have answers for just yet. Moving is not on the table. I'm intractable on this point. If it came down to it, I'd sleep on a bed of star thistle before I move from here. I've lived through a fire, this ain't shit but another little country inconvenience. It's not even as bad as poison oak. That was one battle that I won, but I wasn't as averse to using Roundup at the time.

In other news...I have an eye condition called entropion in my right eye. It is where the eyelashes point in an inward direction and rub on the conjunctiva of the eye, causing irritation and infection. This appears to be due to aging and sagging of the eyelid. Solution? Surgery. Fuck. Eye surgery is right up there with dentistry on my list of things to avoid in my lifetime.

As I see it, I have three choices. I can live with the irritation of something constantly poking at my eye, treating the occasional infection and generally attempt to ignore it, or I can go in for surgery. Wait, that's only two choices. What is the third?

You guessed it. Good old suicide. The nuclear option. A one button solution for all of life's problems. Push it and it all goes away. Isn't depression great? That little cheerleader of mine is always saying "Give up! Give up! Your a loser! Just go die, why don't ya?" Nice pep talk, me.

But would suicide really solve anything?  I'm not entirely clear on the whole afterlife situation. I could be just exchanging one set of problems for another. Like the star thistle, I might just keep coming back to re-infest the world with my plague. And I might have to start off from some less desirable starting point, like losing a video game where you don't get to save your progress and have to go back to the beginning. Worse, I could just wind up right here, facing the exact same challenges, like some tailor-made Twilight Zone version of hell.

So, for now, I guess I'm going to just keep pissing in the wind. Death will come eventually, regardless. But when you happen to be out in the wind, and you really have to pee, well, I guess that's what you do. It's messy and fucking annoying, but what is the alternative?