Who gives a fuck, really?

Can you tell the new med isn't working? I don't feel any better. Not even a blip. It certainly can't prevent me from ruminating on the kinds of things that make me feel like shit. If anything, I'm more depressed, since it's another failed expectation.

Yeah, I know. Give it time. Use your cognitive therapy tools. Feelings aren't everything. Fuck feelings. I wish I never heard of them. I can't have good ones, but I'm welcome to sample all the negative ones from the buffet that I want. 

I took this med because I want to feel good. Whatever that even is. I seem to remember it as something that I've experienced but is now unavailable to me. 

And relating to others, ie. group, or even one on one chats with people, there is this underlying sense of phoniness that I feel. For one, no one can truly "get" another person. There's always these hidden compartments. If I wore one tenth of my true feelings on the outside, people would recoil. So I make nice, like everybody else. 

I need to have another talk with God. Really curse out that motherfucker. Again. Whoever, whatever He might be. Even if He's just a fiction in my mind, it'll do. Someone has to exist to blame. If it's me, well, that's the biggest joke of all. Who in their right mind would create such a world of suckiness?

Don't talk to me about the beauty in the world. Or the bright side. Or fucking gratitude. I wanna punch a gratitude preacher in the face. 

Maybe I'm just on the rag. Hmm. So, I should wait a few days and see if it gets any better? It's been fucking YEARS, my friend. This is the seat on the bus that I've got. A seat by a window smeared with shit, looking at a slum of a decaying planet, full of death and disappointment. I guess I'll probably just get over it, right?

The truth is this: nothing I do even matters. No one really gives a shit. Oh, sure some people have "hopes and wishes" for me, but really, how feeble is that? Ain't nobody going to wish me out of this. It's a ride we're all on, some just choose to ignore the awful bits and the ultimate meaninglessness of it all. 

Nobody gives a shit because it doesn't matter. Nothing matters. Giving a shit only leads to pain anyway, so why do that? 

Feelings. Fuck feelings. I'm repeating myself, but who the fuck gives a fucking fuck? At all. Ever. 

Yeah, doc. I think you sold me a bum batch. This fucking shit doesn't work at all. Anhedonia is off the charts. Melancholy, depressive, angry, stupid me. I can't change my spots. This is who I am. And even I can't stand me. Trash it all. Burn it. Fuck it. I'm done.